Battle of the Sexes
by Sillabub 429
Summary: A.C. 198. What do you get when you take the Vice Foreign Minister, add some Gundam pilots, throw in a couple of female friends and one overprotective older brother, and send them all on vacation together? A battle that WON'T be appearing in history books.
1. Chapter 1 : Prelude to War

Battle of the Sexes

Chapter 1 - Prelude to War

Disclaimer: As much as I wish it did ('cause I'd be rich!), Gundam Wing doesn't belong to me!

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A.C. 198

Relena Darlian sighed happily and glanced outside the window of the small airplane that she and her friends were riding in, smiling at the clear, sunny sky that greeted her. It had taken a number of weeks full of planning, working around appointments, and convincing her friends to accompany her (although some needed no convincing whatsoever), but the young blond diplomat had finally managed to take time out of the busy schedule that was usual for a Vice Foreign Minister for a much-needed vacation. The very thought of spending a week away from the emotional tension that accompanied formal titles, exhausting speeches, and stressful meetings made Relena feel happier than she had been in a long time.

The sky outside the window, clear and blue as it was, was a perfect illustration of the feelings of joy that she was beginning to experience and hoped she would be experiencing for the next week. But as much as one may wish for it to, the sky can never stay sunny and cloudless, for small, gray rain-clouds always manage to somehow creep in from out of nowhere and obscure the sun.

In Relena's case, there was only one little gray rain-cloud blocking the light of the sun -- and he was sitting right behind her. Her smile fading slightly, the young woman turned her head just enough to look at the man behind her out of the corner of an eye.

Milliardo.

Relena sighed and slumped down ever-so slightly, looking back out the window. She knew that her big brother had been watching her very closely since the beginning of the flight when a certain former Gundam pilot had taken the vacant seat next to her, and she knew, as much as she hated to think about it, that he would continue keeping her under close scrutiny for the rest of her vacation. And while she was grateful to Zechs for the extent of his caring, deep down, the over-protective big brother act was beginning to aggravate her.

Besides, she really didn't see why Zechs had to be so protective about his innocent little sister just because of the young man sitting next to her. Sure, at one point he may have been a dangerous soldier who had threatened to kill her on more than one occasion, but Relena knew that the young man known as Heero Yuy had really changed since the war. Now, instead of being a cold, rigid, emotionless weapon of destruction and death, he was a cold, rigid, emotionless human being.

Of course, that was just how MOST people saw him. But not Relena. The young Vice Minister knew Heero better than anyone else did, and ever since she had first met him, she had been the only one to recognize and embrace the lonely soul behind the perfect soldier. And he, in return, had fulfilled his promise of protecting the young woman by becoming her permanent bodyguard, and through guarding her had grown to understand her as much or more than Zechs did, which Relena was sure contributed somewhat to her brother's excessive distrust of the former Gundam pilot.

The happy smile that had been erased from Relena's face moments before returned almost immediately as she quickly glanced at the young man next to her. A quick glance was just that, though, a quick glance, and Relena's smile slipped once again as the sound of Zechs clearing his throat disapprovingly from behind her reached her ears, causing her to freeze and turn her gaze abruptly away.

_Still watching . . . _she thought, sighing lightly and shaking her head. She didn't have to turn around to see her frowning older brother gazing disapprovingly out at her through narrow, ice-blue eyes, and she could practically feel those probing eyes boring through the head support of her chair to stare at her, watching her every move. Relena let out her breath again, heavily this time, and she rested her head on her hand, propping her elbow up on the armrest.

"Yep," she muttered to herself. ". . . Like a hawk."

Heero glanced at her and raised an eyebrow, but other than that, he remained motionless.

Relena was not surprised. The young politician was about to flash him a bright, cheery smile, but an incredibly loud smacking sound accompanied by the even louder sound of painful wailing caused her to stop short.

Everyone in that section of the plane paused in what they were doing and turned to look at a confused stewardess, a howling Duo, and a very pissed-off Hilde standing up in the aisle between rows of seats. Just looking at the scene alone was enough for everyone to figure out what had happened, and the group of young men and women grew quiet as they watched the scene with knowing expressions.

Hilde, her eyes furiously narrow, glared frighteningly at Duo, who was holding the side of his face in pain from her slap. "YOU!" she exclaimed, grabbing his shirt with both hands and lifting him up so that his feet dangled above the ground, which was a rather funny sight considering the fact that she was a bit shorter than he was.

"H-Hilde . . ." he stammered, sniffling.

"You are such a PIG!"

The pretty stewardess next to them timidly started forward. "Um, miss . . ." she spoke up hesitantly, tapping Hilde on the shoulder.

"WHAT?"

The petite young woman turned to glare daggers in the taller stewardess's direction, and the other woman cowered and backed fearfully away.

"Never mind, miss."

Duo sniffled and looked at his girlfriend through the huge, tearful eyes of a wounded animal. "Hilde . . . baby, what did you slap me for?" he asked, pouting.

Hilde let go of him so that he was once again standing up in the small walkway between the rows of seats on the plane, her fuming scowl never slipping for a minute. "You were hitting on her!" she replied angrily, pointing a finger at the timid stewardess.

Duo sniffled again, rubbing the red mark on the side of his face. "Me?"

"Yes, you!"

"Miss?" the stewardess tried to say again, but Hilde would have none of it.

"You stay out of this!" she shouted, balling her hand into a fist and shaking it threateningly.

The stewardess gulped. "But, miss, I need you to . . ."

"Listen, lady, you'd better shut up!"

Straightening, the stewardess looked down at the shorter woman. "There's no need to yell, miss," she said firmly. "Now, if you would, please, I need you and your boyfriend to take your seats. You're blocking the aisle."

Hilde, her angry expression melting away into a somewhat calmer one, blinked. "Oh. Sorry."

The stewardess smiled pleasantly as Hilde took Duo's arm and dragged him back to their seats, and after they sat down, the stewardess began to walk away. Before she left their compartment, however, the stewardess paused, turned her head, and sent a flirtatious wink in Duo's direction. Flushing slightly, he grinned at her retreating form, but then froze as Hilde grabbed his upper arm in her hand and dug her nails into his flesh.

"I saw that, hot shot," she said under her breath, glaring at her whimpering boyfriend.

Despite the pain she was causing him, Duo managed an innocent grin. "Saw what?"

"You know what I saw!"

"I do not!"

"Do too!"

The two of them squabbled back and forth for a few minutes, but by then, the spectators in that section of the plane had grown bored of watching them and went on with their own conversations.

Wufei wrinkled his nose up at Duo. "Weakling," he snorted, crossing his arms. Sally blinked at him, but said nothing.

Quatre sighed sadly and looked at Trowa. "Why can't we all just get along?"

Trowa said nothing.

Suddenly, a different stewardess walked by, her hips swaying as she made her way down the aisle. Duo took a look at her and let out a loud, shrill wolf-whistle as Hilde stared at him in shock.

"Man!" he exclaimed. "She's even hotter than the first one!"

"Don't you even start . . ." Hilde began indignantly, a hint of a growl in her voice.

But he wasn't listening.

"Hey, pretty lady!" he called, waving a hand at the stewardess. "I need one of those bags of complimentary peanuts over here!"

"DUO!"

Relena watched as the inevitable happened and another quarrel broke out between the two of them, then she sighed, shaking her head and smiling slightly. She looked at Heero, who was, this time, looking back at her, and she grinned at him. He returned her grin with a small smirk of his own, but then they both stopped short at the sound of Zechs' loud, warning cough. Heero and Relena turned away from each other immediately, and Relena sighed once again, propping her chin up on her hand.

It was going to be a long flight.

* * *

"Three thousand, five hundred, and eighty-six bottles of beer on the wall, three thousand, five hundred, and eighty six bottles of beeeeeeeeeeeeer . . ."

"Shut up, Duo!" Hilde shouted angrily.

Duo paused in his obnoxious, off-key singing to stare at the dark-haired girl, his violet eyes wide. "You're not still mad at me, are ya, Hildey-babe?"

Hilde massaged her temple in a sign of frustration, sighing loudly. "No," she said through gritted teeth. "Of course not."

The brown-haired boy grinned. "Good."

Hilde looked at him in exasperation and crossed her arms, but remained silent as the other occupants of the fifteen-passenger van that they were riding in continued carrying on small conversations to help pass the time that it would take to reach their destination.

Of course, Duo didn't want to make small talk in order to pass time, oh, no. Despite the fact that he was usually the one to talk 24-7, he had apparently lost all interest in his usual one-sided conversations for the time being and had suddenly gone for other ways of passing time.

Hilde winced and glared crossly at Duo as he continued singing.

"Take one down, pass it around, three thousand, five hundred, and eighty five bottles of beer on the . . ."

"Shut up, Maxwell!" someone yelled.

Hilde blinked. So, she WASN'T the only one who was being negatively affected by the unpleasant sound of Duo's singing. How nice.

Duo took a glance at the source of the outburst and winked. "C'mon, Wufei," he said, grinning at the Chinese boy. "You can sing, too, if you really wanna. I know you know the words."

Wufei glared at him. "I will not sing, Maxwell. And you shouldn't, either, if you know what's good for you."

"Hell," Duo continued, ignoring the other young man, "I bet even Trowa and Heero know the words to THIS song! Come on, everybody, sing!"

Heero only glared at Duo, while Trowa said nothing.

"Aw, geez. Doesn't ANYONE know the words?" Duo asked, letting out a loud groan.

Quatre perked up and smiled. "I do, Duo! But I always substitute the word 'beer' with 'pop.' I don't like alcohol."

Duo's wide grin began to get larger, which no one thought was possible at the time, and he laughed. "Way to go, Quatre! We can sing together, buddy!"

Suddenly, letting out a loud, strangled yelp, Duo tensed and lurched backwards as Wufei grabbed a hold of his long braid and jerked his head back. In a flash, the young Chinese man's katana appeared, poised to cut off the large mass of hair, and Duo began to wail like a little girl. Quatre, who had actually considered singing along only seconds before, paled as he stared at them, and everyone on the bus, except for Sally, who was driving, turned in their seats to watch the scene.

"Leggo!" howled Duo, waving his arms about as he struggled to free himself from Wufei's grasp. "Leggo my hair!"

Wufei's black eyes held a dark, evil spark in them as the sharp blade of his sword edged dangerously close to the precious locks of hair, causing Duo to scream like a dying cat. "I will NOT let go," he hissed, "not until you promise to stop that meaningless singing."

"I'll stop!" wailed Duo. "I promise! I'll be good!"

"I doubt it," Hilde whispered crossly to Dorothy and Cathrine, who nodded in silent agreement.

Relena forced a small smile on her face and looked over at her. "Perhaps he really will this time," she suggested calmly.

"Please," groaned Hilde, frowning at her blond friend. "You don't live with him."

Relena silently thanked God that she didn't.

"Will you stop?" Wufei asked forcefully, giving Duo's braid a short, painful jerk and causing him to yowl loudly. "Can I really trust that you'll stop singing?"

"Yes! Yes!" screamed Duo, digging his feet into the floor of the bus and struggling harder to free himself. "No more singing!"

Wufei seemed satisfied for the time being and released his hold on Duo's braid. Duo, still trying to escape from the Chinese boy's grasp, slipped and fell flat on his face the minute his braid was free, and a few of the bus's occupants chuckled quietly at the sight of the brown-haired boy sprawled painfully on the floor. Duo quickly rolled over and leapt back up to his feet, his braid clutched protectively in front of him as he looked at Wufei, who had returned to his seat and was currently in deep meditation.

"Geez," muttered Noin, looking at Zechs. "I'm glad THAT'S over."

Zechs sighed and shook his head. "Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to let Relena invite them," he said, frowning and Duo and Wufei. His gaze traveled from face to face of each of the young men and women on the bus before finally resting on the face of the brown-haired young man seated next to Relena.

Noin chuckled softly and put her hand on Zechs' arm, smiling knowingly as he turned back to her. "Relena knew what she was doing by inviting each of them," she insisted gently, resting her head on his shoulder.

Zechs wrinkled his nose up and looked at her. "All but one," he corrected.

Noin snorted quietly as the pale-haired man turned to frown at Heero, who returned the frown with a glare of his own. "Zechs," she said, squeezing his arm so that he turned to look at her. "I think you've made it very clear that you'll kill Heero if he tries anything."

Zechs frowned slightly for a moment before letting out a sigh, relaxing. "Yeah, I know," he admitted. He turned his head to look at an annoyed Wufei and a suddenly mischievous-looking Duo and sighed again, shaking his head as he looked at them. "But I think that there may be some bloodshed later," he said, gesturing in the direction of the two young men.

"Without a doubt," Noin replied, chuckling.

And just as they finished speaking, a loud, obnoxious series of off-key screeches were heard, and every person on the bus winced.

Duo was singing again.

"Three thousand, five hundred, and eighty five bottles of beeeeeeeeeeeeer . . ."

"MAXWELL!"

The rest of the bus ride was unusually peaceful and quiet, and the occupants were finally able to relax and experience hours of tranquility. Wufei and Hilde, in particular, were enjoying the silence, which was occasionally interrupted by the whining grunts that came from a painfully tied-up and gagged Duo who was lying on his side on the floor in the back of the bus, but no one really minded. Even though it was early in the evening, most of the passengers were dozing off, so most of Duo's groans and complaints weren't even acknowledged.

After a little while, Heero was the only one who was still awake. The young pilot was sitting tensely in his seat, staring straight ahead with Relena sleeping quietly next to him, her head resting gently on his shoulder. Try as he might to stay awake, the peaceful atmosphere was beginning to make Heero's eyes drift slowly shut, and while he determinedly clenched his jaw and tried to keep his eyes open, he was failing miserably in his battle against sleepiness.

Since he was so distracted by trying to stay awake, it was no wonder that it took a few moments for Heero to realize it when the bus came to a stop. For a minute, he figured that Sally had fallen asleep at the wheel, but when realized that they were all still alive, he looked towards the driver's seat and not only found that the tall woman was very much awake, but that she had intentionally stopped the bus.

Sally turned around in her seat to look at her sleeping comrades. Her eyes fell on Heero, and she smiled. "You're the only one awake, I see," she said cheerfully. Gesturing with an arm, she turned towards the window and looked outside. "Time to eat."

Heero also looked out the window and saw the small restaurant that they had stopped at. "Hn," he nodded.

Sally looked at the other sleeping people for a moment before turning her gaze back to Heero. "I guess we should wake them, huh?"

"Hn," Heero replied, nodding again.

Sally grinned again and began to wake the others as Heero slowly turned his head to look at the quietly sleeping Relena. He stared at her for a few moments, studying the peaceful face of the Vice Foreign Minister, and there was a hint of a smile on his face.

"Relena," he said softly. Relena moaned softly and shifted, nuzzling her face into his shoulder. Heero sighed and reached out, shaking her gently.

"Relena, wake up."

"Mmm . . ." Clear blue eyes slowly drifted open, and she looked up at him. "Heero?" Relena yawned and lifted her head off of his shoulder, blinking as she looked around. "Oh. Are we there already?"

"No," Heero replied, watching as she sat up and looked out the window. "Sally said this is where we're stopping to eat."

"Oh." The blond diplomat smiled and turned back to him as the other young men and women began to awake from their peaceful slumber and look sleepily around, taking in their surroundings with sleepy, half-closed eyes.

After a few minutes had passed and all of the bus's occupants were now wide awake, the group quickly made their way off the bus and gathered in the parking lot for a moment before beginning to make their way over to the entrance of the restaurant. Suddenly, Quatre halted.

Trowa turned to the blonde, stopping. "Something wrong?"

Quatre, who was frowning to himself and looking confused, turned towards his friend. "Are we missing something?" he asked.

By then, the others had stopped as well and were looking back at the two young men.

"Missing?" Dorothy asked, frowning. "What do you mean?"

Quatre turned towards the group, shrugging. "I don't know, " he replied. "It just felt like . . . I dunno, like something's missing."

The others frowned and thought about this for a moment.

"You're right," Relena said thoughtfully. "It does feel like we've left something behind."

"Something," Noin agreed. "Something . . . loud."

"Yeah," said Sally. "It's quiet."

"Too quiet," Hilde frowned.

It only took a few seconds for the young men and women to realize just what it was that they were missing, and as the answer hit each of them at the same time, a general outcry arose from the group.

"Duo!"

Relena looked horrified. "You mean we left him on the bus?"

"Yeah," Wufei said, smiling quite happily. "He's probably still tied up, too."

"And gagged," Zechs added with a grin.

"Oh . . ." Hilde said softly, an expression of remorse on her face. "I can't believe we forgot Duo."

Cathrine frowned. "I thought you were mad at him."

"I AM," Hilde answered, looking back towards the bus. "But that doesn't mean I wanna leave him on the bus while we go eat."

Skeptical expressions met her gaze, and she cleared her throat, moving her shoulders upwards in a small shrug. "We need to get him," she explained. "I mean, when he wakes up later he'll be hungry and he'll complain the whole time and drive us crazy."

"Actually, that makes a lot of sense," said Heero.

"Go get him, Hilde," Quatre said, smiling kindly. "We'll wait right here for you."

"Thanks," replied Hilde, running back towards the bus. "I'll be right back."

* * *

**Not much happening yet, but trust me, there shall be chaos and (hopefully) some hilarity.**


	2. Chapter 2 : Take the Cake

Battle of the Sexes

Chapter 2 - Take the Cake

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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The restaurant was a small one, nestled in a somewhat secluded area on the outskirts of a nearby city, but its size and location didn't seem to affect its popularity. It was a serene little place where people came to enjoy peace and quiet while eating food of the best quality; a place to relax after a hard day of work or just to get away from the noise and commotion of the city nearby. Yes, indeed, it was a place of tranquility.

"Whoo-HOO! Let's eat, guys! I'm STARVED!"

Every head in the restaurant turned to stare in annoyance at the source of the outburst, which appeared to be a young man with a huge, long braid hanging down his back. His companions merely gazed at him for a moment as he skipped childishly ahead of them towards a large, empty table before following, murmuring amongst themselves as they followed the perky boy to the table he had plopped down at.

"Hey, waiter!" Duo cried, waving a hand as the others took their seats at the large table.

A few people in the restaurant grumbled angrily at the loudness of the young man as the waiter made his way grudgingly over to their table and handed menus to each of them. A few moments later after drinks had been ordered and distributed to each of the young people at the table, the waiter took their orders and took up their menus before walking away, grumbling to himself.

Relena smiled to herself and looked around the small restaurant. "It's so nice here," she commented.

"Yeah," Hilde agreed, stirring a straw through her drink absently, watching as the ice cubes knocked against the inside of her glass. "Nice and peaceful."

Duo grinned mischievously at her from across the table and tore the very top of the paper off of his straw, leaving the rest of the wrapper on it. He casually looked around to make sure no one was watching before brining the straw up to his mouth and blowing on it.

The paper flew off of the straw and sailed across the table, scoring a direct hit on Hilde's forehead.

"HEY!" Hilde cried, grabbing the straw paper and crumbling it up as a few people around them glared at her for being so loud. "Duo!"

The brown-haired boy looked at her with an innocent, wide-eyed expression. "What's wrong, Hilde?"

Squaring her jaw angrily as she glared at him, Hilde wordlessly held up the crumbled paper tube. Duo took one look at her face and began to laugh hysterically. Hilde could only scowl at him, which made him laugh harder.

"Oh, you think this is funny, do you?" Hilde asked under her breath, her hands clenched in frustration at her sides. She glared at Duo as he continued laughing, then she looked around at each person at the table. Finally, her eyes rested on the face of someone who she knew could help her in her moment of need.

"Hey, Wufei," she whispered across the table. "Can I have your straw?"

The Chinese boy nodded and handed it to her. "I don't use straws," he muttered. "They're for weaklings."

Hilde rolled her eyes before tearing the top of the straw paper off and pointing it in Duo's direction. She paused, taking careful aim, then took a deep breath and blew the paper off the straw.

The straw paper flew swiftly past Duo's head and embedded itself in the curly gray hair of an old lady who was seated nearby.

Everyone at the large table stopped what they were doing and looked at a wide-eyed Hilde before silently turning to stare at the paper projectile sticking out of the old lady's hair. The old woman was oblivious to the white tube of paper sticking out of her head and went right along eating her mashed turnips as if nothing had happened.

No one spoke. Even Duo, who had been laughing uncontrollably only seconds before, was silent.

Then . . .

"AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA!" Duo howled, clutching his stomach as he laughed. "Hilde, you have SUCH bad aim!"

A few of the others joined in laughing as Hilde's face began to redden and her eyes began to narrow viciously. "Duo . . ." she growled, clenching her fists at her sides. "Shut up . . ."

"Y-you couldn't even hit ME when I was right across from you!" he continued, laughing so hard that tears began to fill his eyes. "Why, I bet you couldn't hit the broad side of a . . ."

"DUO!" Hilde screamed. "THAT'S ENOUGH!"

Duo stopped laughing almost immediately. Hilde looked satisfied for a moment as everyone else who had been laughing grew silent as well, but then she froze as someone tapped her shoulder.

"Miss," the waiter said slowly, a look of severity on his face, "I'm afraid that you're being too loud over here. If I hear another outburst as loud as that one, I'm afraid that I will have to ask you to leave. Understood?"

"M-me?" Hilde asked innocently.

"Yes, Miss."

Duo let out a loud snort as he tried desperately not to laugh again, and Hilde glared at him angrily before looking back up at the waiter and smiling nervously. "Oh, yes," she replied. "Of course, I understand."

"Good," said the waiter, still frowning at her for a moment before turning to the others seated at the table. "Here are the plates for those of you who ordered the buffet," he said, setting a stack of plates on their table. "As for the rest of you, your food will be ready momentarily."

As he walked away, Duo looked innocently at Hilde, who was staring angrily at him again. "Hey, Hildey, um . . . honey . . . uh . . ." He paused as Hilde growled at him, and everyone who was sitting by her backed a few inches away. "Oh, boy!" Duo suddenly exclaimed, leaping to his feet and snatching the plate off of the top of the stack of plates. "All-you-can-eat buffet! Here I come!"

As he ran off in the direction of the buffet bar, everyone else who had ordered the buffet quickly grabbed their plates and followed after him, leaving the girls and Quatre behind to wait for their food.

Relena looked at the fuming Hilde and patted her shoulder gently. "Now, Hilde," she said soothingly. "You mustn't hold a grudge against Duo because of this."

"I know," Hilde replied, her shoulders slumping down. "But still, just once, I'd love to really get the best of him."

"Want me to throw a knife at him?" Catherine offered, smiling a little.

Hilde smirked at her. "I'll let you know."

Noin grinned. "I think she'd rather do it herself."

Up at the buffet, Duo was piling mashed potatoes onto his plate. "Geez," he chuckled, grinning at Trowa. "Did you see Hilde's face?"

Trowa nodded. "Yeah."

Duo poured a scoop of peas onto his mashed potatoes before putting a few pieces of chicken on top of that. "That old lady probably doesn't even know that straw paper's in her hair."

"Probably not."

Grinning victoriously to himself for getting the normally silent boy to say three words so far, Duo grabbed a handful of rolls and pushed them into the huge pile of food on his plate. "You don't think that Hilde's gonna still be mad at me, do you?"

"I don't know," replied Trowa. "She has good reason to be."

Duo's eyes widened. He was on a roll! A few more comments like that and Trowa could be talking as much as him! He was about to make another remark to Trowa again when something caught his eye.

Duo's mouth dropped open as he turned to stare wistfully at the huge section of the bar with cakes and cookies all over the top of it. "Oh . . ." he sighed, drooling. "The dessert bar . . ."

"Your plate looks too full to hold anything else," Zechs noted, eyeing the food heaped on the braided boy's plate.

But Duo didn't seem to hear him. Making his way slowly over to the dessert bar like a moth drawn to a flame, he approached it with wide, glistening eyes. "Look at all the cakes and cookies . . ." he said, drooling. "They're so beautiful . . ."

Heero, who had witnessed Duo under the influence of sugar firsthand, frowned. "Duo, step away from the dessert bar."

"Yummy . . ." breathed Duo, oblivious. "Must have yummy cakes . . . Huh?"

Duo's eyes widened at the small card that was sitting next to a huge plate of chocolate cake, and he carefully picked it up, reading the words written upon it in a pretty, spirally script.

"What is it?" asked Zechs.

"'Two piece limit per customer?'" Duo cried indignantly. "What the hell! This is an all-you-can-eat bar!" He angrily put the card back on the plate of cake. "What is this, Nazi Germany? There shouldn't be a LIMIT! "

"Those pieces of cake are huge," Wufei commented, frowning at the brown-haired young man. "Two pieces seems like enough for anyone . . . even you, Maxwell."

"But STILL!" Duo whined, looking at the Chinese boy. "There's not supposed to BE a limit! This is . . . this is injustice!"

Wufei raised an eyebrow.

Heero walked past him, scowling. "Get over it."

Wufei shook his head at Duo and followed Heero back to their table. "Weakling," he muttered.

Duo's eyes narrowed into violet slits as the other young men walked back to their table. He looked around quickly to make sure no one was watching him and snatched four pieces of chocolate cake from the huge stack of sweets on the buffet, then quickly stuffed all four pieces into his pockets before hurrying after his comrades.

By the time they arrived back at their table, the others had already gotten their food and had begun eating. Much to the relief of the other people in the restaurant, the large group was a quite a bit calmer and quieter than they had been earlier during the straw paper incident, and the young men and women were happily enjoying a peaceful meal. Hilde, in particular, had seemed to have gotten over her anger towards Duo and was contentedly chewing on a piece of chicken while watching her braided boyfriend smother everything on his plate in ketchup, then mix it all up into a big, messy pile.

Quatre eyed Duo's plate uneasily. "Um, Duo," he said, wrinkling his nose up a little. "Why are you mixing all of your food up like that?"

Duo grinned broadly at the blonde boy and shoveled a heaping scoop of it into his mouth. "You kidding, Quatre? This is the only way to eat."

"But, Duo," Quatre frowned, leaning closer to his friend's plate and examining the contents. "You've got mashed potatoes, peas, chicken, French fries, and corn all mixed up together with ketchup and four rolls on top of that!"

Duo blinked, swallowing his mouthful of food. "So?"

Heero looked over at Duo. "It's disgusting," he said bluntly, stabbing his fork into a potato.

"Yes," Quatre agreed. "I don't mean to be rude at all, Duo, it's just that it's a bit, well . . . abnormal."

"Well, how do you like that?" Duo muttered, crossing his arms and pouting, looking hurtfully at Quatre. "Here I thought you guys were my friends and then you go and call my eating habits 'disgusting' and 'abnormal.' I'm so hurt."

Quatre stopped, his eyes widening. "Duo, I never meant that . . ."

"Oh, sure, now that I say something about it, you want to apologize." Duo sighed mournfully and shook his head, poking at the pile of food on his plate with his fork. "I'll just sit here, eating my disgusting, abnormal food, and think about how mean my friends are."

A thick eyebrow rose as Heero looked at Duo. "I never said I was your fr . . ."

"I'm sorry, Duo!" cried Quatre.

"Er, Quatre . . ." Duo started, looking alarmed.

"Duo," Hilde sighed. "Be nice to Quatre."

Duo threw his hands up defensively. "Hey, it's not MY fault he's so . . . OW!" He yelped as the tip of Hilde's shoe made direct contact with his shin under the table, and Duo rubbed painfully at the sore spot, glaring across the table at his girlfriend. After a few seconds of angry glaring, though, he had to stop from exhaustion, briefly wondering how in the heck Heero managed to scowl like that all the time.

"Geez," he muttered, frowning at Hilde, who narrowed her eyes at him. Duo stopped and sighed, then looked over at his friend. "It's okay, Quatre," he grinned. "I know you didn't mean it."

Big turquoise eyes looked at him. "Really, Duo?" Quatre asked hopefully. "You forgive me?"

"Of course I do, buddy," replied the other boy, grinning as Quatre smiled and relaxed. "Heck, I know you'd never say anything mean to any of us." Quatre nodded happily, and Duo continued, making sure the blonde felt no more remorse, "And, like . . . you'd never ever hurt or fight or try to kill any of us either, you know?"

Heero and Trowa both raised their eyebrows. Well, Trowa raised his only visible eyebrow.

"Uh, not intentionally, at least," added Duo hastily. "I mean, unless you count the time you went crazy and blew up all that stuff and killed all those people and almost . . . killed . . . Trowa . . . and . . ." He stopped, sinking down in his chair as everyone else glared at him.

Quatre froze where he was sitting, the expression on his face unreadable.

"Damn . . ." grumbled Heero, scooting away slightly. "He's either going to start crying or go insane."

"Quatre . . ." said Relena softly. "Are you okay?"

Still Quatre didn't move. His eyes were wide and unfocussed as he stared ahead.

"O-okay, Quatre," Duo said nervously, patting the boy on the shoulders. "Snap out of it, I mean, you didn't really kill anyone . . . Well, don't get me wrong, you did kill a bunch of people, but you didn't kill anyone that we KNEW . . . at least, not that I know of."

Quatre finally decided whether he was going to cry or go crazy and promptly chose the former, much to Heero and Trowa's relief. Duo cringed as the blond boy started to cry.

"Geez, Maxwell," growled Wufei. "You shouldn't say such things to weaklings. He's as bad as a woman!"

Sally smacked him upside the head as everyone continued glaring at Duo.

"Great job, Duo," said Noin.

"You're only making it worse, you know," Dorothy commented around a mouthful of salad.

Duo glared at them. "Don't you think I know that?" he growled, still patting the sobbing Quatre's back. Ooh, those girls were gonna get it for nagging at him so much . . . especially Hilde. Sure, he loved her, but she DID kick him just a moment before, and to Duo, kicking him was an unforgivable sin. No, he frowned, not unforgivable. Just . . . a really, really bad sin. But he'd get them later. Right now . . . well, he had to find a way to stop Quatre's crying.

"Oh, c'mon, Quatre," he said, trying to smile. "There's nothin' to cry about."

"How can you say that?" whimpered Quatre. "I killed innocent people!"

"And some of us have, too," replied the other young man. "But you didn't do it on purpose!"

Quatre sniffled.

"I mean, come on," continued Duo. "You've never tried to kill any of us on purpose while you were sane, which is more than I can say for quite a few people in this room."

Quatre looked up at him through his tears. "But . . . but . . ."

"Hey, don't worry about it," grinned Duo, putting a hand into one of his pockets. He frowned for a moment, then brightened as he pulled out a piece of chocolate cake.

"Here," he said helpfully, opening Quatre's mouth and shoving the whole piece of cake in it. "Eat this and you'll feel a whole lot better."

Quatre's cheeks bulged out as he tried to chew the chocolate cake without choking. Duo grinned at him as the others frowned.

"See? It's good, right?"

"Yrsh," replied Quatre, smiling a bit.

"Duo . . ." Hilde peered quizzically at him. "Where'd the cake come from?"

"Uh . . . the buffet."

Wufei looked suspiciously at him. "I didn't see you grab any cake. How many pieces do you have?"

The braided boy put his hands protectively over his pockets, frowning. "Enough," he replied.

"You grabbed more than two, didn't you?" asked Wufei.

"No," Duo lied. "I took one."

"You lie!"

"Really!" insisted Duo. "I only grabbed one!"

"Then why didn't you have it on your plate?" asked Heero.

Duo quickly looked down at the half-eaten pile of food on his plate. "I . . . didn't have enough room."

"Sure . . ." muttered Wufei.

Duo looked offended. "You guys don't believe me, do you?" he asked, frowning. "What, is it 'Pick On Duo Day'? I can't believe you guys! First I have weird eating habits, now I'm a liar."

"Duo . . ." warned Hilde as Quatre sniffled.

"We believe you, Duo," said the blond boy, looking around at everybody. "Don't we, guys?"

Of course, they all had to agree with him.

Duo grinned at them. "Well, _thanks_, guys. I'm glad you feel that way."

Hilde frowned at him and shook her head, sighing heavily.

He glanced at her. "Now, what was that, Hilde?" he asked, frowning. "You don't trust me?"

She only peered suspiciously at him and continued eating. Duo's eyes narrowed as he watched her eat, and suddenly a sly, evil smile suddenly began to curve his lips. He knew how to get her back for kicking him . . . and how to get the other girls back for nagging at him.

"What are you smiling about, Duo?"

"Oh, nothing."

As they all continued eating, he grinned to himself and resumed shoveling food into his mouth, hardly even bothering to breathe between the huge mouthfuls. The minutes went peacefully by as everyone finished their meals, and soon they were all waiting for the desserts they ordered.

Hilde raised her eyebrows and looked at Duo as their waiter walked away. "Why do you keep smiling like that?" she asked suspiciously. "You're making me nervous."

Duo tried to look solemn. "Was I smiling?"

"Yes."

The grin suddenly sprang forth again. "Can't help it," laughed Duo. "Guess I'm just happy, that's all."

Relena glanced at Hilde, smiling. "Well, there's nothing wrong with that."

The other girl didn't look convinced. "You're up to something," she accused, pointing a finger at her boyfriend. "Aren't you, Duo?"

Wide cobalt eyes blinked innocently at her. "Who, me?"

"You're right," Sally said, looking at Duo's face. "He's up to something."

Duo's shoulders slumped down. "What makes you say that?" he asked, frowning.

"Oh, Duo wouldn't do anything," Quatre insisted, smiling and pointing at Duo. "Is that the face of someone who's up to something?"

As if on cue, Duo's eyes grew huge and glassy, welling up with tears, and he pouted, his chin quivering convincingly.

"Yes."

"Well, then," said Dorothy, grinning to herself as she leaned forward and rested her chin on top of her folded hands. "What, pray tell, are you up to?"

Duo had no chance to reply, because it was at that time that the waiter brought the tray full of desserts to their table. The sight of those desserts, though, made Duo's insane, evil little grin return.

Oh, yeah. He was gonna get 'em.

So, looking very pleased with himself, Duo sat back and waited for the right opportunity to unleash his little plan. He also waited, fork poised, for the right opportunity to steal a bite of Hilde's cheesecake.

"Wow," said Relena, chewing on a mouthful of cake. "This stuff is really good."

"Yeah," replied Noin, stabbing a fork into a slice of pie. "No wonder this place is so popular."

Hilde jabbed her fork into Duo's hand as he tried to reach across the table and snatch some of her cheesecake. "Don't you dare," she said warningly as he yelped and clutched his hand. "This is mine."

"But Hilde!" he whined.

Hilde's eyes narrowed as she pulled her plate of dessert a little bit closer to her. "You should have ordered some if you wanted it," she said. "Besides, I thought you had cake."

He put a hand on one of his pockets and felt the bulge from the three slices of cake in it, then pouted. "I gave it to Quatre, remember?"

Wufei looked at him. "It seems unlikely that you'd only grab one piece," he commented.

"Ah, geez, Wufei," Duo frowned. "Stay out of this."

The Chinese boy snorted. "Weakling."

Sally raised an eyebrow. "Gee, I've never heard THAT one before."

"Quiet, woman!"

"I don't care, Duo," Hilde said, taking another bite of her dessert. "You're not getting any of my cheesecake."

Duo couldn't help glaring angrily at Hilde after that. Then he made his decision. To hell with waiting for the right opportunity to get her and the other girls back -- he was gonna do it now!

Clearing his throat dramatically, Duo rapidly tapped his fork on his glass for attention, then slowly rose to his feet, drawing stares from everyone in the restaurant.

"Duo," hissed Hilde, "what are you doing?"

"Oh, he's making a toast!" exclaimed Quatre. "Be quiet everyone!"

"This ought to be good," whispered Noin to Zechs, gently nudging her fiancé with her elbow.

"I don't know," he replied quietly, studying Duo's conniving expression. "For some reason, I seriously doubt it."

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?" Duo requested loudly, making a few people, including the old lady who still had the straw paper in her hair, frown at him.

"Uh-oh," muttered Hilde. "Duo's NEVER that formal."

"Well, perhaps he's just . . ." Relena started, but then she stopped. No, optimism wasn't going to do this time. He WAS up to something.

"First of all," Duo began, smiling slightly at the people seated at the tables around them. "I'd like to say that the food here is very good. But that's not why I'm getting your attention."

Duo's small smile grew into a huge, evil grin as he continued, "The reason I stood up was to point something out to you. Over there," (and he pointed) "at the buffet bar, there's a little sign by the desserts that limits two pieces of cake per customer, even if you order the all-you-can-eat bar."

"What, is he complaining?" Catherine whispered to Sally, who shrugged.

"I, for one, have honestly obeyed that rule," continued Duo. "However . . . I know of some who haven't."

Heero slapped a hand to his forehead, catching on.

His grin disappearing into a solemn, serious expression, Duo gestured towards their table. "I regret to inform you all that these six young ladies," (and he paused to point at them) "have each taken . . ."

He paused for another moment, fighting back a grin.

". . . FOUR pieces of cake . . ."

Everyone in the restaurant stared at him in silence.

". . . APIECE!" he finished dramatically.

Everyone in the restaurant gasped loudly.

Sally, Noin, Dorothy, Catherine, Hilde, and Relena (who was about to take a bite of her cake) froze where they sat, their eyes bugging out as they stared up at Duo.

"Wha . . . ?" started Noin.

"Yes," Duo said mournfully to all who cared to listen. "It IS a horrible crime which I am sure they will regret when they all get fat and have huge tummy-aches later . . . But this is just a small reminder to all of you that although the war is over, criminals are always with us." Hiding his grin as he bowed, Duo said, "Thank you," and sat back down.

Everyone in the restaurant began to talk at once. Everyone, that is, except for the girls, who still remained motionless, and the guys, who were fighting back grins as they looked at the girls. The long moment of awkward silence finally gave way to the outraged cry of six angry voices.

"DUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Duo tried to look innocent. "Yes?"

"What do you think you were DOING?" Noin cried.

"Doing?"

"Yes!" Catherine growled, grabbing her steak knife and thrusting it menacingly at him. "You'd better answer if you don't want me to throw this knife at you, and believe me, I will!"

"Yeah," Trowa agreed quietly. "She has good aim."

The curly-haired girl turned her glare (and her knife) on her brother. "Quiet!"

"Why, what do you all mean?" Duo blinked innocently. "What did I do?"

"Don't give us that crap!" Sally exclaimed. "You just made us look ridiculous!"

The braided boy stared for a moment before laughing victoriously, pointing a finger at the group of angry girls. "Oh-ho-HO!" he laughed loudly, grinning maniacally and waggling his fingers at them. "You thought I'd let you get away with nagging at me earlier? Not likely."

"But--but--but . . . DUO!" Hilde sputtered angrily. "You made us look like PIGS!"

"Did I?" Duo grinned. "Well, I guess you'll think twice before KICKING me next time, won't you, Hilde?"

Hilde gritted her teeth angrily together and narrowed her eyes. "Hold still," she growled, "so I can kick you HARDER!"

"N-now, Hilde," interrupted Relena, who was being the most level-headed of the girls about this situation at the time, "let's not resort to violence."

"Miss Relena!" Dorothy exclaimed crossly. "Are you not angry at Duo?"

"Well . . ." Relena admitted, "I AM rather mad . . . But this situation doesn't require causing pain to one of our friends, does it?"

Hilde looked carefully at the blond diplomat. "You're right," she said lowly. She turned to Catherine and grabbed the steak knife that the other girl had been threatening Duo with and held it menacingly. "We should kill him now and get it over with!"

"Yes!" shouted Sally, Noin, Dorothy, and Catherine.

"No!" exclaimed Relena. "You mustn't kill Duo, Hilde! He doesn't deserve it!"

"KILL HIM!" shouted the other four women.

Duo gulped and leaned away from them in his chair. "Quatre," he whispered, "help me, buddy."

But instead of looking fretful like Duo had expected him to, Quatre was hiding a few quiet chuckles behind his hand. "I'm sorry, Duo," he giggled. "But this really is quite a funny situation."

"Funny?" exclaimed Duo. "I don't see anything FUNNY about the fact that they're about to kill me!"

"Sure, you don't," said Heero, the closest thing to a grin on his face that Duo had ever seen the usually emotionless pilot display. "But that doesn't mean that the rest of us aren't finding the humor in this situation."

"You . . . you . . . you TRAITOR!"

"Hey," chuckled Wufei. "You brought this upon yourself."

"Trowa!" Duo whined as the knife clutched in Hilde's hand edged closer and closer to his throat. "Help me!"

But Trowa was hunched over in his seat, laughing hysterically, and couldn't reply.

Heero smirked at Duo. "Looks like you're on your own, pal."

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

The ride was another unusually quiet one, but this time, more of an awkward, angry silence was in the air as the girls moved away from Duo to sit at the very front of the bus. But even the rows of seats separating them didn't stop the girls (with the exception of the calm, composed Relena) from shooting furious glares at the object of their anger, who sat in the back with the other guys.

Zechs chuckled as Duo cowered fearfully at the barrage of scowls being sent his way. "You really overdid it this time, Maxwell," he smirked. "They all hate you now."

"All of them but Relena," replied the braided pilot. "And the only reason she's not mad is because she doesn't ever GET mad, does she, Heero?"

Narrow blue eyes peered skeptically at him as a dark eyebrow rose slightly. "What makes you say that?" Heero asked.

"Oh, come on," said Duo, slumping down in his seat and crossing his arms. "I bet you've never seen her angry before, have you?"

One of the corners of Heero's mouth curved slightly upwards into a tiny smirk. "You'd be surprised."

Zechs frowned and studied the brown-haired pilot for a moment before turning back to Duo. "Relena only gets mad when she has a good reason," he said.

Duo sighed heavily as Wufei smirked. "Well," the Chinese boy commented. "Those other women obviously think that they have a good reason to be mad."

"Yeah," replied Duo, grinning slightly and punching his friend lightly on the shoulder. "But that's because they're weaklings, right, Wufei?"

Black eyes narrowed at him. "Don't touch me."

Duo held his hands up defensively, scooting away. "Ooh," he said teasingly. "Wuffie's gonna hurt me!"

Wufei merely glared at Duo for a moment before quickly flashing out his katana, and Duo's eyes grew wide at the sight of the sword.

"Maxwell," the black-haired pilot said calmly, "do you want to keep that braid of yours?"

Duo tried to slide away from the Chinese boy, but he only succeeded in crushing Quatre against the side of the bus, which wasn't a good idea considering Duo still had a total of two pieces of chocolate cake in his pocket (he had eaten one of them earlier when no one was looking). "Y-yes," he replied shakily, clutching his huge chestnut braid in both hands and trying not to make a face as he felt his cake smoosh against the side of his leg.

"Then leave me alone."

Zechs stared at them for a moment before chuckling and shrugging to himself. "Well, we're all just one happy family, aren't we?"

Up at the front of the bus, Relena was frowning at Hilde, who had turned around once again to glare at Duo. The blonde sighed quietly. "How can you still be so mad?" she asked her friend.

Hilde's blue eyes sparked red as she turned her angry gaze in the blonde's direction. "How can you NOT be mad?" she replied.

Relena's eyes widened slightly. "Well, there's really no reason to be, Hilde," she said calmly. "No one knew who we were, and the possibility that we'll ever see any of those people again is pretty slim. Even though it was embarrassing for Duo to say all of that about us, it's over now and in the past."

"Miss Relena," Dorothy said, turning cool blue eyes towards the Vice Foreign Minister. "If someone had known who we were -- or at least, who _you_ were -- would you not be angry?"

"If that was the case, perhaps," Relena replied with a smile. "But since it's not, I have no reason to be angry. And neither do you, Hilde."

Hilde's expression didn't change as she gazed at Relena. "So . . . why am I not supposed to be mad, again?"

The blonde's shoulders dropped slightly, and she opened her mouth to reply when she felt a slender hand touch her shoulder.

"Don't worry yourself over it, Relena," said Noin, smiling slightly as the younger girl turned to her. "It's no use."

Relena sighed and looked seriously at the tall woman. "Are you still angry, Noin?"

"Yes," the female pilot replied honestly. "But I'm sure I'll get over it soon."

Relena sighed again, this time shaking her head. "I just hope that all this anger doesn't lead to anything big."

"Anything big? I doubt that. We'll all just be a little mad about it for a while, but then we'll forget all about our anger and just have a good time."

"Perhaps . . . but irritated attitudes like these often lead to war."

"War? Like what, the 'Death to Duo War'?"

"Very funny, Miss Noin, but yes, actually. I'm afraid that if I don't do something to stop their anger, it may very well lead to a larger conflict between everyone."

"Relena, aren't you overreacting?"

"I don't believe so. And it IS my duty to prevent such a situation."

Noin looked at Relena for a moment before bursting out laughing. When the blonde blinked widely at her friend, the dark-haired woman only laughed harder.

"Miss Noin?"

Noin recovered from her sudden laughing fit and grinned at Relena, wiping her eyes and chuckling. "I'm sorry," she giggled, "but you're just so serious about this! Relena, we're all on this vacation with you to leave our duties behind, yours included. You don't have to worry about keeping the peace or anything else, for that matter."

A pretty smile graced the face of the young Vice Foreign Minister, and she laughed out loud. "You're right," Relena replied. "I'm being silly, aren't I?"

"Yep."

"Well, you know what, Noin? I'm just gonna sit back and let everyone's anger go away on its own. There's nothing more I can do."

"Good idea."

Relena suddenly grew serious and stared at Noin for a moment before quickly asking, "So, are you still mad?"

Noin laughed. "Not as much as I was before, thanks to you."

Relena grinned.

Unnoticed by them, Hilde turned around to glare at Duo again, then settled back into her seat with crossed arms, clenched fists, and furrowed brow. "We'll just see about this war, Relena. We'll just see."

**

* * *

**

**Sorry for turning Quatre into a bit of a crybaby this chapter, guys. I love him, I really do, as I love all of these characters (even Wufei), so don't take it to heart. Please review!**


	3. Chapter 3 : Bear Necessities

Battle of the Sexes

Chapter 3 - Bear Necessities

Disclaimer: GW isn't mine. As if you didn't already know.

* * *

Hilde sighed and flopped down on the bottom bunk of one of the beds. "Finally!" she groaned. "It took FOREVER to get here." She rolled onto her stomach and propped herself up on her elbows, watching with slight interest as Relena neatly unpacked her belongings and made up the bed above hers. 

Relena climbed up onto the top bunk, peering cheerfully down at her friend. "You sound like you're in a better mood," she said, stretching a pink sheet over her mattress.

"Nah," commented Catherine from the set of beds next to theirs. "She's just glad that the boys are in a separate cabin."

Relena frowned, tucking a strand of blond hair behind an ear as she pulled a pink pillow case over her pillow and glanced briefly at Catherine. "Well, naturally they're in a separate cabin," she said, raising an eyebrow. "We don't wish to encourage any scandals that could be used against me in the future. I'd like to keep my job for a few more years."

Catherine blinked. "Well, I know that, I mean . . . you know what I meant!"

"I know, Catherine, I'm just playing."

"Hey, Relena," Hilde called, stretching a slender arm out towards the young politician's suitcase and pulling out a small, plushy item. "What's this?"

Large blue eyes widened. "Hey!" Relena exclaimed, throwing herself down on her mattress and stretching towards Hilde, her upper body hanging off of the bunk as she tried to snatch the brown, furry thing out of her friend's hand. "Don't touch that! Give it--EEEP!"

Five pairs of eyes widened to the size of small dinner plates as Relena Darlian fell out of the top bunk and hit the floor with a loud, unceremonious thump.

Noin clapped a hand over her mouth. "Relena!"

Relena sat up quickly, grabbed the furry item of interest out of Hilde's outstretched hand, stood up . . . and promptly fell on her face.

Sally frowned and knelt down beside Relena, reaching for the Vice Foreign Minister's leg. "Here, Relena, let me look at that."

"No!" squealed Relena, hugging the brown, plushy thing against her chest, guarding it from the probing eyes of the other women in the room. "You can't have it!"

The blond doctor peered down at Relena, raising an eyebrow. "I was talking about your ankle."

Her eyes popped open, and she sat up, squishing the furry thing into her chest. "Oh. Of course."

Hilde cocked her head to the side and studied Relena's face as Sally examined her leg. "What are you hiding from us, Relena?" she asked mischievously.

Relena looked alarmed. "What do you mean?" she asked, hiding the small, furry article behind her back.

Dark eyebrows arched above dangerously glinting blue eyes. "Relena," grinned Hilde evilly. "You don't by any chance sleep with a teddy bear, do you?"

Relena's eyes widened even more, and she tried to look offended. "NO!"

Noin suddenly smiled secretively. "Oh, it's THAT teddy bear, isn't it, Relena?"

"Noin!" shrieked Relena, feeling her face grow hot as the others stared at the ex-lieutenant.

"THAT teddy bear?" questioned Catherine and Dorothy.

"THAT teddy bear," Noin nodded, hiding a grin.

"NOIN!"

Sally sighed to herself and held Relena's ankle in one hand. "Okay, Relena," she said calmly, reaching out to touch the swollen skin. "Does this hurt?"

"OW!"

"Guess so."

"C'mon, Relena," cooed Hilde teasingly, rubbing the top of the blonde's head. "Let's see the sweet teddy."

"No!" squealed Relena, hugging the stuffed bear to her chest and shaking her head vigorously. "No! No!"

"So it IS a teddy bear?" Catherine blinked, sitting back and cocking her head to the side.

"Of course," replied Noin, grinning at Relena, who was still shaking her head vigorously and clutching the teddy bear. "She's been sleeping with it every night for nearly three years now."

Relena's head shot up. "NOIN!"

"Aww . . ." grinned Hilde. "That is so CUTE!"

"Noin!" Relena exclaimed, her eyes wide and surprised. "H-how did you know about . . ."

"What, you sleeping with that bear every night?" finished the other woman. "Simple. Zechs told me."

"MILLIARDO?" shrieked Relena. "How does HE know?"

"He only knows that you hardly let go of that thing when no one's around and that you always keep it in your office or on your pillow in your room. He IS your brother, after all." Deep violet eyes sparkled mischievously, and Noin grinned. "But don't worry," she added quickly. "He doesn't know who gave it to you."

"NOIN!"

Four pairs of eyes widened at this information, and Hilde, Sally (who was still holding Relena's swelling ankle), Dorothy, and Catherine leaned forward to stare at Relena and Noin.

"Ooh," grinned Hilde. "And WHO gave the pwecious teddy to you?"

"Nobody," Relena insisted nervously. Sally sighed and went back to examining the young girl's ankle.

"Why bother asking?" she questioned calmly. "Isn't it obvious who gave it to her?"

"SALLY!"

"Ack, not in my ear, Relena."

"What do you mean?" asked Hilde, frowning. "I mean, the only person who . . ." Then her eyes widened as it dawned on her. "Oh. Oh!"

Relena looked warningly at her, still hugging the bear fiercely.

Hilde grinned widely. "So it was HIM."

"Who?" asked Dorothy and Catherine together.

"NO ONE!" Relena exclaimed.

Noin smiled sweetly at her. "It's okay, Relena," she grinned. "They'll find out eventually."

"Who are you talking about?" asked Dorothy, looking quite mischievous as if she already knew the answer to the question. "I mean, Miss Relena wouldn't get that embarrassed about the teddy bear unless somebody like, oh, I don't know, _Heero_ gave it to her . . ."

A slender hand flew up to Dorothy's mouth as Relena narrowed her eyes. "Oh, my!" she cried in fake surprise. "Did he . . . ?"

Catherine gasped. "You're not serious!"

"Uh . . ." Relena began, stuttering slightly.

"HEERO gave it to you!"

Relena hung her head and clutched the teddy bear closer to her chest, nodding slightly.

"Oh, my God!" exclaimed Catherine.

"I knew it!" grinned Hilde, winking mischievously at the flushed Relena. "No WONDER she sleeps with it every night."

Relena's face reddened. "Hilde!"

Dorothy studied the small object still clutched in Relena's arms. "May I see that?" she asked, frowning.

Relena looked nervously at her. "Why?"

"Don't worry, Miss Relena," assured Dorothy, smiling slightly. "I won't hurt it."

Clear blue eyes peered at the furry face of the small brown bear for a moment before glancing up to look at Dorothy. Relena sighed in resignation and slowly handed the stuffed bear to the other girl.

Dorothy took the bear gently and held it in her hands, studying it carefully.

"It looks like a normal teddy bear to me," commented Catherine, who was looking at the stuffed object over Dorothy's shoulder.

"Yes," she agreed, turning the bear over and squeezing it in various places. After a moment of examining, Dorothy sighed and nodded, looking slightly disappointed. "It doesn't appear to be rigged with explosives," she commented. "Nor does it appear to be dangerous in any way."

"So it's just a normal teddy bear, huh?" Sally asked, wrapping Relena's ankle.

Relena looked slightly annoyed. "Of course it is."

"Still," grinned Hilde," I think that if the bear HAD been rigged with something, we certainly would have found out about it before."

"True," smiled Noin.

Relena crinkled her nose up and tried to ignore the pain from her ankle as she snatched the bear back from Dorothy and snuggled it close. "What do you mean?"

Hilde smirked. "Well, I don't doubt that the poor little teddy has been hugged, squeezed, kissed, and probably dressed up or something, so anything dangerous would have occurred by now."

"'Dressed up?'" blinked Noin. "Now, I think you're just picking on the poor girl."

"Yes," agreed Relena firmly. "I would NEVER dress up a teddy bear." But her face was a shade darker than it had been before.

"Are you sure about that?" asked Hilde, grinning in a very scary manner that made the girls realize just how much Duo had rubbed off on her.

"Yes."

A thin arm snaked into Relena's pink suitcase for the second time that day. "Then what's this?"

Relena's jaw dropped. "HILDE!"

The other four women never had the chance to see what Hilde was holding up on display, because at that moment, the angry pink blur that had once been respectfully known as Relena Peacecraft whirled towards Hilde, snatched the tiny teddy bear outfit out of her outstretched hand, and had it wadded up and shoved away into the bottom of a suitcase before any of them could blink.

"Your leg mustn't hurt too bad if you can move like that," commented Catherine.

Relena tossed her hair and settled back down, placing her injured ankle back into Sally's gentle grasp and sitting up straight, obviously trying to appear as if nothing had taken place.

Noin leaned towards Hilde. "What was it?" she asked quietly.

Hilde grinned. "I didn't get the best look at it," she said, her voice loud enough for the others to hear her quite clearly, "but it appeared to be a small, green tank top with little, black, teddy bear-sized Spandex shorts to go with it."

"Oh, my . . ."

A series of giggles coming from the girls was heard, and Relena calmly straightened and tried to ignore them, but she knew that she was failing miserably by the way her face was burning.

Sally grinned up at the blushing girl and finished wrapping her ankle. "Would you like a diagnosis?" she asked.

"Yes, thanks," replied Relena calmly.

"A slight sprain," reported the older blonde. "Nothing that should hurt you too terribly or take too long to heal, but you shouldn't try to put much weight on it for a few days."

Relena's face fell. "So . . . how will I get around?"

"Hobble," said Sally, then, grinning mischievously, she added, "unless Heero wants to carry you around."

"SALLY!"

"I'm kidding. Besides, Zechs would never allow it."

"You're right. I don't think Heero would want to, either."

"I dunno . . . Bodyguards do awfully strange things when they're in love with the woman they're protecting."

"Sally!"

"I'm kidding!"

The other girls, having gotten over their giggles, grinned and sat back up.

"The mature Vice Foreign Minister Darlian sleeps with and dresses up a teddy bear given to her by a dangerous soldier whom her brother despises, but she's obviously in love with," commented Dorothy, grinning slightly. "This slightly undermines my perception of you as a political icon."

Relena lowered her head as the others laughed at this. "Leave me alone," she muttered, holding her teddy. Raising her head back up, she looked seriously at her five companions, who were all grinning like Cheshire cats.

"Not a word of this," she warned, "will leave this room. Understood?"

Dorothy opened her mouth to question this, but Relena held up a hand to silence her.

"Not a word to the press . . ."

Noin was about to speak, but Relena wouldn't let her.

". . . OR Milliardo . . ."

Hilde, Sally, and Catherine began to say something, but Relena would have none of it.

". . . AND ESPECIALLY NOT HEERO!"

The other girls, obviously disappointed, frowned. A few moments of silence passed as the injured Relena stood shakily up and wobbled over to her neatly made-up bed, carefully placing her little brown teddy bear on her pillow. The others watched her in amusement as she turned back around and looked at them.

"Okay," she said calmly. "Are we all set?"

Sally stood up, walked over to the small food cooler in one corner of the room, and opened it, carefully surveying the contents. The others watched her with slight interest as she turned around, her nose wrinkled up. "I don't think so," she answered. "Unless we want to live off of wilted salad, old, curdled milk, and molded cheese that looks and smells like it's from AC 100."

"Give it to Duo," said Hilde.

"We could go to a store," Noin suggested, leaning on one of the bunks and crossing her arms. "I think we passed one on the way here that's pretty close."

"Yeah," Sally agreed. "That would probably be our best bet. Besides, we need to get ice for Relena's ankle."

"Um . . . I think you may be right," Relena, who was trying to put on a shoe, commented. "I'm having trouble putting on my shoe with the way this thing's swelled up." Sighing and putting her sneakers away, she removed a different pair of shoes. "Guess I'll have to wear sandals."

"What about the guys?" asked Catherine. "Should we see if they want to come? They're probably no better off than we are in the food department."

"Good point," said Hilde. The girls arched their eyebrows and looked at her.

"Huh?"

"Oh, don't get the wrong idea," added the dark-haired young woman. "I meant that they can come, as long as we tie Duo to a tree, gag him, and leave him here."

The others nodded. "Okay."

Relena limped over to them, wincing, but whether it was at her pain or Hilde's words, they weren't sure. "We can't do that," she said. "I mean, it's been a day already since that happened, right?"

"My contempt has only grown stronger," Hilde replied simply.

Relena sighed, then hobbled painfully over to the door, clenching her teeth. "This hurts," she said, flinching as she put weight on her swollen ankle.

"You're lucky it's not broken," commented Sally. Relena nodded in agreement.

"Yeah," added Hilde carelessly. "'Cause then Heero would probably want set the bone for you himself."

Everyone raised their eyebrows at this.

Relena blinked. "What do you mean?"

"Uh . . . story Duo told me. Nothing big, but he probably wouldn't let you have any anesthetic."

Relena sighed. "I don't think I wanna know."

"You don't. It still gives Duo nightmares."

". . . Okay."

Noin chuckled and stood up straight. "So," she grinned. "You guys wanna go?"

"Yeah."

"Sure."

"I'm game."

"As long as we don't bring Duo."

"Hilde!"

Laughing, the group of girls made their way to the door of their small cabin, Relena hobbling along behind them. Noin smiled at her future sister in-law and grabbed Relena's arm, pulling it around her neck and helping the injured girl limp after the others. Hilde looked back at them and grinned.

"Hey, Relena, are you sure you don't wanna bring your widdle teddy bear along?"

Relena growled to herself as Noin disguised a chuckle with a cough.

"Leave me alone."

**

* * *

Short chapter, I know, but _bear _with me here. Get it? _Bear?_ Ha, ha, ha! Er . . . just kidding. Review, review!**


	4. Chapter 4 : Brush Up Your Shakespeare

Battle of the Sexes

Chapter 4

Brush Up Your Shakespeare . . .

Disclaimer: Still not mine.

* * *

"Man!" exclaimed Duo, flopping back onto Heero's bunk and sighing loudly. "Those girls are STILL mad at me!" 

"Naturally," snorted Wufei from the bottom bunk that was next to the one Duo was sprawled upon. "They're women."

Duo flipped himself over onto his stomach, rolling his eyes as he turned towards the Chinese boy, his arms dangling off the edge of the bed. "Oh, of course," he said sarcastically, sending an exasperated expression in Wufei's general direction. "I figured you'd say somethin' like that."

Black eyes narrowed at the boy sprawled across the small mattress on the bunk next to his. "And what is THAT supposed to mean?"

Duo laughed in reply. "Interpret it however you'd like to, Wuffie."

"Maxwell . . ." Wufei growled.

Duo, choosing to ignore the warning tone in his friend's voice, let out another loud laugh. "Lighten up, man! You're so predictable."

"Maxwell . . ."

"Hey, look at me!" Duo exclaimed, glaring angrily and stretching the skin around his eyes with his fingers in an expression that perfectly mirrored the angry scowl on Wufei's face. "Justice this, justice that, Nataku, Nataku, the weak shouldn't fight, women suck!"

"Hey!" giggled Quatre from one of the top bunks. "That sounds like YOU, Wufei!"

Zechs raised an eyebrow. "I think that was the point."

"Maxwell . . ." growled Wufei again.

Duo chuckled to himself, relaxing his face and letting his knuckles brush against the dusty floor as he dangled an arm off the bed. "And don't say you don't sound like that, Wuffie, 'cause ya do."

Wufei only growled again and tried to ignore his cheerful fellow pilot as Heero walked over to the bed that Duo was draped across. He stopped and looked down at the young American, his blue eyes narrow as he scowled.

"That's my bed," he said flatly.

Duo sat up and grinned at the brown-haired pilot. "Yeah, I know," he replied, violet eyes twinkling for a moment before darting to look at the small laptop clutched tightly in one of his friend's lanky arms. "And that's your laptop, right?"

Before Heero could reply, Duo had quickly snatched the computer from his grasp and was carefully beginning to open it to take a quick peek at the screen . . .

"Duo!"

The other four men in the room turned to watch as Heero leaped onto his friend and began to wrestle the small laptop from the other pilot's grasp. Kicking and punching at one another, the two wrestled over the laptop, Heero grunting angrily and Duo laughing the whole time, until finally, it looked as if the Perfect Soldier had managed to pin Shinigami down and was about to win the small battle.

There was a bright flash of light that caused Heero's glaring, narrow eyes to dilate momentarily, and it was at that moment that Duo snatched the laptop back from his friend. Rubbing hard at his eyes for a moment, Heero looked up at the other men before turning to glare at the expressionless Trowa.

"Photo opportunity," the young acrobat said calmly, tucking the camera back into his pocket.

A pale, glowing light from next to him stopped Heero's angry glare, and he quickly turned towards Duo, who had opened his laptop and was now staring wide-eyed at the screen.

"Duo . . ." growled Heero, his hands balled into tight fists at his sides. The American only continued to stare motionless at the screen, his violet eyes huge and unblinking.

A few moments of silence passed.

"No . . . way . . ." Duo finally breathed, breaking the silence. Heero only continued glaring at him as the braided pilot turned the laptop upside-down and peered carefully at the screen as if he was unsure of whether what was displayed on it was real or not.

Curiosity getting the best of him, Quatre stole calmly over to the edge of the bunk, peering over Duo's shoulder to catch a glimpse of the screen. The blonde boy smiled.

"Solitaire?"

Heero only glared at them through narrow, gleaming eyes. "Hn."

Holding back a humorous grin, Zechs crept up behind Quatre and chuckled as Duo began to burst out laughing. "Wow," he commented. "So, the Perfect Soldier likes to play games, does he?"

Heero's scowl only darkened. "Hn."

"Hee-hee-hee . . . That's great!" exclaimed Duo, his eyes watering with laughter. "And here I figured you had a shrine to Relena or something saved on that thing the way you're always staring at it!"

Heero raised an eyebrow as Zechs' smile disappeared. "Um . . . no . . ."

Trowa looked at Heero, his face deadpan. "Highest score?" he asked blankly.

"700," replied Heero in an equally impassive voice. "You?"

"695."

"Hn."

The laptop forgotten, Duo rolled around on the bed, laughing and holding his stomach. Everyone watched him in silence for a moment. Finally, Heero let out an impatient snort.

"It's not that funny."

"Yeh-heh-hes . . . it IS!" Duo choked out between his fits of laughter. "Like I said, man . . . Hee- hee . . . Maybe, like, battle strategies . . . hee-hee . . . or pictures of Relena . . . ha-ha-ha . . . or . . . a schedule . . . or SOMETHING . . . b-but solitaire! YOU! AHA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

Trowa looked at Heero. "You're right. It's not that funny."

Blond eyebrows furrowed above crystal blue eyes as Zechs snorted, glaring at Heero. "You DON'T have pictures of my sister on your computer, do you, Yuy?"

"No," replied the younger man, also scowling darkly. "What makes you think I would?"

"Duh," giggled Duo, his laughter decreasing slightly as he tried to catch his breath. "You WOULD do something like that . . . I mean, you're her devoted bodyguard . . . and you gave her that teddy bear . . . and you're obsessed with her . . . and . . ." Duo couldn't finish speaking; he had collapsed into a helpless fit of laughter.

Two different pairs of eyebrows arched upwards dangerously, one pair belonging to Heero, the other to Zechs.

"Duo . . ." growled Heero. "I told you not to say any . . ."

"YOU'RE the one?" Zechs exclaimed. "YOU'RE the one who gave her that bear that she drags around all the time? YOU GAVE MY SISTER THAT DAMNED TEDDY BEAR?"

"Well done!" Duo managed to choke out between giggle fits. "Only took you . . . like, three years to figure THAT one out, Zechs!" Rolling over and holding his stomach as he laughed, Duo turned to Heero, winking an eye and playfully punching out at the glaring pilot. "Did ya hear that, buddy? 'Lena must really like that bear of hers if she 'drags it around all the time'. . . doncha think?"

Heero glared at Duo as Zechs spluttered angrily and clenched his fists at his side, trying to suppress the urge to strangle the younger pilot. The other three pilots stared at Heero, looking quite surprised.

"A . . . teddy bear?" Quatre asked, blinking at Heero, who turned and gazed levelly at the blonde. The surprise on the boy's face suddenly melted, and Quatre grinned. "How sweet. I always knew you'd realize how you felt about her."

Duo let out a gurgling noise from the bed and began to laugh even harder. "'Sweet,'" he gasped. "'Sweet,' he says . . . hee-hee . . . Heero's 'sweet'. . . "

Heero scowled. "I'm not sweet."

"But you're not denying you love her," Quatre pointed out with a small smile. "Are you?"

Heero turned towards the blonde with a glare.

"ARE you? Quatre repeated, grinning knowingly.

Heero opened his mouth, then closed it abruptly, turning away and clearing his throat awkwardly.

"How sweet . . ." cooed Quatre teasingly.

Wufei let out a snort. "God, Yuy, I thought you had more sense than that." Black eyes scornfully regarded the brown-haired pilot before sliding shut. "Teddy bear . . ." he muttered.

Heero looked from Wufei to the grinning Quatre then to Zechs, who was looking more and more like he wanted very much to kill him. In fact, after the tall man let out a low growl and steam began to come from his ears, Heero became quite certain Zechs was thirsty for blood. HIS blood. Heero paled slightly.

"'SWEET!'" Duo screamed in laughter, clutching his side as he turned over, kicking his legs hysterically. "WA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

Another laugh, a bit quieter, suddenly rang through the air, causing the other young men bar Duo to turn and stare at the source.

Trowa was doubled over in laughter.

"Trowa?" Quatre blinked, looking worried.

The tall boy merely hunched over further as tears of laughter began to stream from his eyes, and he clutched at his stomach as he let out a string of laughter that rivaled the loudness of Duo's giggles. "Hee--Heero . . . Ha-ha-ha . . . Duo . . . SWEET! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

Quatre let out a squeak and jumped back as Trowa collapsed to the ground in a fit of helpless laughter.

"Oh, God," Wufei muttered, covering his face with his hands. "My nightmares have come true. Maxwell's contagious."

Duo, whose laughter was beginning to cause him a great deal of pain, let out a loud, strangled sound. "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow . . ." he gasped, rolling over on his side. He sat up briefly and turned towards Heero, holding one hand out to the glaring boy and putting the other over his heart while donning a wistful, melodramatic expression. "O Heero! Sweet Heero!" he swooned. "Wouldst thou bring a teddy bear to thine lady love?"

Heero clenched his fists angrily, glaring at the boy. "Duo," he hissed through gritted teeth, "SHUT UP."

Trowa laughed harder, kicking his legs out as he rolled on the ground. "SWEET!" he shouted again. "HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

"O, noble, mighty man, thou hast stolen my heart, thrown it to the earth, and trampled upon it like the brutish stallion you are!" Duo cried in a high falsetto. "Alas, my sweet Heero hath become nothing more than a vicious curd who would not kiss the ground beneath mine lovely feet."

"'Cur,' Duo, 'cur,'" Quatre corrected him, shaking his head sadly. "Not 'curd.'"

"When I sayeth 'curd,' I meaneth 'curd!'" Duo countered dramatically. "Do not question me, for the knowledge within mine mind doth be true . . . eth."

"Duo, Duo," said Quatre, closing his eyes briefly, as if in pain. "Do you realize by mocking Shakespeare you're insulting one of the most brilliant literary . . ."

"The lady doth protest too much!" interrupted Duo.

Quatre scowled.

Zechs sighed heavily, watching the scene unfold. "A dog in the house of Maxwell moves me," he muttered flatly.

"Something's definitely rotten in the state of Denmark," Wufei agreed, shaking his head as Duo swooned some more.

"We're not in Denmark."

"I know, but it sounded good."

"Sweetness, thy name is Heero!" Duo exclaimed, flailing an arm towards Heero.

Heero growled and clenched his fists. "Okay, Duo, you can shut up now."

But Duo wasn't listening. "To be, or not to be? That is the question!"

A strong hand reached out and grabbed the braided boy by the collar of his shirt, and, snarling, Heero hauled Duo up until he was at eye level. "Enough with the freaking Shakespeare!"

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind toOOOO -- urk."

Heero grabbed him by the throat, silencing him.

"What part of 'enough with the freaking Shakespeare' DON'T you understand?"

"What is going ON here?"

The men froze, turning to stare at Sally, who was standing in the doorway with an appalled expression on her face. The blonde looked from soldier to soldier, her eyes wide.

"Uh . . . how long have you been standing there?" asked Heero cautiously.

"Long enough," Sally replied. Apparently having gotten over the shock of walking in on the chaotic scene, she turned to look at Duo, who was still dangling from Heero's grasp. "Duo . . . how do you know Shakespeare?"

Duo tugged on Heero's hand, which was rapidly cutting off his air supply, and he made a strangled sound. "Just some stuff I read once."

Sally looked mildly surprised. "Really?" She frowned, eyeing Duo. "I didn't know you could read."

Duo glared at her as Wufei and Zechs began to laugh. "Shut up," Duo gasped, kicking his legs out at Heero, his face turning blue.

"Alright, alright," Sally said, looking amused. "Anyways, I just stopped in to tell you that Relena sprained her ankle."

Heero promptly dropped Duo, eyes wide. "What?"

Zechs raised an eyebrow at him, then turned to Sally. "Is she okay?"

"She's fine, she's fine, she just . . . had a little accident." Sally tried not to smile at the memory.

"'Accident'?"

"She fell off her bunk. Nothing big. But we need some ice for it, and we need some food and stuff for our cabin anyways, so we're going to the store. The girls suggested that you guys come along too."

Duo looked surprised, and he looked up at Sally from his place on the floor as he rubbed his neck, wincing. "You mean they're not mad anymore?"

"Oh, no, they're all still mad except Relena, but that's normal," Sally said pleasantly. "Actually, they suggested tying you up, gagging you, and leaving you here, but Relena told them not to."

Duo sighed in relief, then grinned up at Heero. "Heero, buddy, your girlfriend is a good person."

Heero scowled at the same time Zechs turned and bellowed, "GIRLFRIEND?"

"Whoa, touchy," Duo winked. "Just kidding, Zechs, just kidding. As if Heero's actually got the balls to make a move . . ."

Sally rolled her eyes at them and gestured towards the door. "So are you guys coming, or not?"

Duo leaped up and ran out the door just as Heero and Zechs began to advance on him. Sally shook her head and glanced back at Wufei, Quatre, and Trowa.

"Come on, guys, before Heero and Zechs kill him."

"And that would be bad?" Wufei asked flatly.

Sally looked thoughtful. "Well, it would actually solve a lot of problems . . . No! No! It would be bad."

Wufei looked slightly disappointed. "But . . . it'd be so much quieter."

Sally shook her head as Quatre frowned and said, "Duo's our friend, guys."

"Don't worry, Quatre, we're just kidding," Sally said, smiling sweetly at him.

Wufei scowled and crossed his arms, then Sally elbowed him. "Oh, yeah," he said tonelessly. "Kidding."

Sally rolled her eyes.

* * *

**I know it was short-ish, but come on, Shakespeare has to be taken in small doses! Hope you liked it, please review! Pretty please?**


	5. Chapter 5 : Trouble in Paradise

Battle of the Sexes

Chapter 5

Trouble in Paradise

Disclaimer: Never gonna be mine.

* * *

"Okay, guys," Sally said as the group slowly filed out of the bus. "We're not pressed for time or anything, but try not to take too long in here, alright?"

Nods and small grunts of agreement answered her, and Sally sighed. The awkward, tense silence had lasted the entire ride to the grocery store, in which all the girls and Heero sat in the front of the bus and the rest of the guys sat in the back. There was much glaring in general going on during the ride, mostly because the girls were still very angry with Duo and Zechs was still very angry with Heero. Much to the amusement of the girls, the moment Heero saw Relena limping to the bus, he was at her side, helping her walk, making sure she was comfortable when she was sitting down, and propping her leg up on the seat in the van. Zechs kept a very disapproving glare on the former pilot of Wing Zero the entire time, but Heero hardly seemed to notice.

It was with this tension in the air that Sally drove the group to the grocery store. The fifteen minute drive seemed to take hours, and Sally was very thankful when they finally reached their destination.

Sally forced a smile on her face as she turned to the group following her through the sliding glass doors of the grocery store. "Everyone just grab what you need and meet up at the front in about twenty, okay?"

Her only answer was more nods and grunts, except for Relena and Quatre, who both smiled serenely and replied, "Okay."

Sally watched as the group split up and began to roam the store, and she sighed and grabbed a shopping cart. "Why do I feel like I'm a camp counselor?" she muttered.

Noin, who was walking with her, grinned. "Well, someone has to play chaperone. Even though you wouldn't think that the kids responsible for saving the world would _need _a chaperone."

Sally smirked at her "That's true," she admitted as she grabbed a few boxes of instant macaroni and put them in the cart. "But I wouldn't call them kids. They're more mature than that."

Noin shot her a skeptical look, raising an eyebrow. Catching on, Sally grinned.

"Well, most of them," she added.

* * *

Duo skipped merrily down the toy aisle, his braid flying wildly behind him as Quatre, a little farther behind, watched somewhat warily.

"Duo, why are we looking at toys?" he asked carefully.

Duo turned around to face the blond, grinning widely. "Why not?"

Quatre frowned a little. "Um . . . because we're here to get food."

"Pssh," said Duo, waving a hand. His eyes brightened as he spotted something on the shelves. "Ooh, look!" he cried, pointing madly at a pack of toy guns on the shelf.

"Duo, those are guns," said Quatre, faintly alarmed.

"Naw, see?" said Duo with a grin, pointing at the label on the package. "They shoot water! Isn't that awesome?"

Quatre smiled slightly. "Well, it's better than bullets."

"Ooh, I'm so getting some of these," said Duo happily, grabbing a package of squirt guns.

"What for?" blinked Quatre.

As Duo only laughed and grabbed more squirt guns, Quatre was suddenly overcome with an intense feeling of doom.

* * *

Meanwhile, Hilde, Dorothy, and Catherine were wandering through the meat department, looking at the strange assortment of processed bits of animals.

"Oh, look, pigs feet," said Dorothy mildly, pointing at a package. Hilde and Catherine shuddered.

"That's disgusting," said Hilde. She paused and looked down at another package. "Pork brains! Why would a store sell this stuff?"

Dorothy shrugged. "I suspect people eat them."

"No way," said Catherine, wide-eyed as she prodded a mysterious, plastic-wrapped grey lump that bore the label "Liver Mush" on it. "No one could eat something like this."

"Oh, there's a package of chicken's feet," Dorothy said, looking down at another package of meat and looking rather bored.

"Ugh," said Hilde in disgust. "Even Duo would get sick if he came in contact with something like this."

The three girls stopped immediately and stared at each other.

* * *

"Relena, let me help you."

"Heero, for the last time, I'm perfectly capable of walking on my own," Relena said with a frown.

Heero glared at her.

"Not that I don't appreciate it, of course," she added with a warm smile.

"Hn," Heero said. He followed after her as she teetered toward the magazine rack, scowling at the sight of her limping so feebly in front of him.

They stopped (of course) at the magazines that published articles on politics and world news, and Heero stood glumly by her side as Relena seized one and began flipping through it. Knowing she'd be a few minutes, the Perfect Soldier sighed and began to idly glance over the magazine titles.

A fashion magazine. Shallow. Pedantic. Waste of resources.

A bridal magazine. Flat-out bloody terrifying.

A tabloid magazine. Annoying. Invasion of privacy. He was glad Relena was smart enough to avoid landing on the cover of those silly things.

Heero's eyes widened as he looked closer at the magazine.

Wait a minute . . .

Relena raised her eyebrows as Heero suddenly seized her by the arm and gently pulled her away from the magazine stand. His brow was furrowed, and his eyes were darting around in a fidgety sort of way.

"Heero?" she asked in concern, setting the magazine down and following after him. "What is it?"

Heero cast a glance back at the magazine rack and then looked back at her, obviously trying to look as if nothing was wrong. "You don't want to look at magazines, Relena," he said, clearing his throat and running a hand through his bangs.

Relena raised an eyebrow. Was it her imagination, or did Heero look . . . _nervous?_

"I don't?" she asked.

"I'm certain you don't," he replied, steering her away from the magazines.

Relena looked suspiciously at him. "Why don't I want to look at the magazines?"

Heero's eyes darted back over to the display as he coughed uncomfortably. "Because . . . er . . . because you want to come with me to make sure Duo's not defiling the toy aisle."

With that, he began to steer her in the direction of the toy aisle, and although Relena could hear the sound of Duo's loud laughter coming from that area, she knew Heero was hiding something from her and she was determined to find out what. She limped after Heero for a moment, then, when she was sure Heero thought she wouldn't turn back to the magazines, she did just that, hobbling with surprising speed toward the display.

"Relena!" protested Heero weakly.

As Relena approached the display she froze in her tracks, not because of Heero, but because of what she found herself looking at.

There, on the cover of a tabloid magazine, was a photograph of her from that stupid restaurant where Duo had played the joke on them. The other girls weren't in the picture, but Relena certainly was, her mouth wide open and a rather large chunk of cake on her fork, poised to eat.

Underneath the picture, in huge letters, was this declaration:

_THE VICE FOREIGN MINISTER STUFFS HER FACE!_

And beneath it, in smaller letters:

_Relena Darlian has her cake and eats it too!_

"Wha . . . wha . . . wha . . . wha . . . ?" stammered Relena, pointing a shaky finger at the magazine cover.

Heero stood quietly beside her. "Um . . . Relena . . . don't get mad . . ."

She whirled to face him, eyes blazing. Heero immediately backed away, and she limped past him toward the toy aisle. Seconds later, Heero heard a very familiar voice shriek, "DUO!"

"Shit," he muttered.

* * *

"Shit," Duo said, about fifteen minutes later. He looked crankily at Heero, who was sitting beside him in the bus. "I thought she never got mad!" 

"Relena gets mad when she has a good reason," Heero said pointedly. "And she has a good reason."

"What, so she landed herself on the cover of a celebrity gossip magazine," groaned Duo, rubbing a sore spot on his head. "Big deal. Not my problem."

"Oh, but it is," Zechs said. "It's your fault that her picture was taken in the first place, remember?"

"So what?" Duo scowled. "I mean, you guys thought it was funny."

"Hilarious," Wufei said, smirking at the memory.

A betrayed look crossed Duo's face. "Then why aren't they mad at you for laughing a them?"

"They ARE mad," Quatre said, raising an eyebrow. "They're just a lot angrier at you."

"And for a good reason," Trowa added quietly.

Duo scowled.

Zechs sighed and sat back in his seat. "Oh, well," he said. "Just give them time, I'm sure they'll cool down before they do anything drastic."

At the front of the bus, the girls were clustered around Relena, who was quite grumpy-looking.

"So, how's that 'Death to Duo War' sounding to you now, Relena?" Hilde asked, eyebrows raised.

Relena was sitting tensely in her seat, eyes narrow and glaring straight ahead. "I'm not angry," she said in a low voice. "I'm not. I won't dwell on the situation. Peace is the only way to solve this problem."

Dorothy smiled. "Sweet as that little mantra may sound in your head, Miss Relena, thanks to Duo, your political career is in jeopardy."

Relena frowned at her. "I wouldn't go that far."

"Oh, but I would," Dorothy said, eyes flickering. "Just think of the turmoil your career may suffer over this travesty. Instead of seeing you as a saint or an angel, citizens who once worshiped and admired you may perceive you as something of compulsive overeater. They may hesitate in voting for you during the next political election because they do not want a leader who may or may not turn to fattening desserts during times of stress."

Relena was staring at Dorothy, expressionless.

Catherine blinked over at Noin. "Can Dorothy not talk like a normal person?" she asked quietly. Noin shrugged.

Leaning forward so she was looking Relena directly in the eye, Dorothy said, very slowly, "You may even become the laughingstock of the entire Earth Sphere."

"Stop it!" squealed Relena suddenly, clapping hands over her ears. "That won't happen."

"It could happen," Dorothy said reasonably.

"But it won't," Relena said, scrunching her eyes shut. "I've worked too long and too hard for things to go wrong now."

"But just thinking about it makes you angry at Duo, does it not?" Dorothy asked softly.

"Yes," whispered Relena.

"Doesn't it make you want to get even?" Dorothy asked, looking excited.

Relena stared at her, looking uneasy.

"Of course, it does," Hilde answered for Relena. They turned to look at her as she grinned. "Isn't that how we all feel about the situation?"

"Yes," the other girls answered. Relena looked uncomfortable.

"Duo humiliated us all," Hilde said. "He made us look like pigs, and what's worse, he did indeed put Relena's political career in jeopardy. We have to do something about it."

Relena froze as Noin, Catherine, Dorothy, and Sally (who was still driving) went silent and waited for her to continue, looking interested.

"I say let's fight back," Hilde said lowly.

"Excellent idea!" Dorothy said happily.

"Fight back?" Relena asked in alarm.

"No harm will come to any of the men," Hilde said reassuringly. "At least, no physical harm. I can't promise egos will remain unharmed but if revenge is what we're after, it's a risk I'm willing to take."

"Me too," agreed Catherine, Sally, and Noin. Dorothy was beaming. Relena looked slightly ill.

"But . . . but . . . Hilde, what are you suggesting?" she asked worriedly.

"We beat them at their own game." Hilde turned to face her friends, blue eyes flashing in a scary sort of way. "What Duo did was immature, spiteful, and completely uncalled for, and not only did the other men find our embarrassment amusing, they were actually supportive of it! And now Duo thinks we're going to back down because he got the best of us. Are we going to do that?"

"No!" cried Dorothy, Sally, Catherine, and Noin.

"No, indeed!" said Hilde, rallying. She began to pace the floor like a general giving out orders to her troops. Relena was suddenly overcome with an impending feeling of doom. "We need to let them know who they're dealing with, and in order to do that, we need to exact our revenge perfectly. While Duo may be our main target, that doesn't make it wrong to bring down the other men too!"

"Yes, it does," Relena murmured quietly.

"No!" cried Dorothy, Sally, Catherine, and Noin.

"Regardless of relationship," Hilde said, staring the girls down, "we're taking them all. I don't care if he's your brother, friend, bodyguard, boyfriend, or fiancé! We take no prisoners!"

"That's right!" cheered the other girls (bar Relena, who only sat there uncomfortably).

Quatre suddenly popped his head up from the back of the bus. "What are you girls yelling about?" he asked curiously.

Dorothy fluttered her eyelashes at him. "Never you mind. Please return to the back of the bus with the other pigs."

Quatre blinked at her, then shrugged and shuffled back to his seat. Relena sighed heavily and looked at Hilde.

"What are you suggesting, then, Hilde?" she asked glumly. "I will not stand for violence."

Hilde turned to her and grinned. "Simply put," she said, "we need to fight fire with fire."

The meaning of her words sank in, and a hand flew up to Relena's mouth.

"Pranks?" she asked shrilly. "Sabotage?"

"If you want to call it that," Hilde said, eyebrows raised.

Relena shook her head. "Sorry, but not my area of expertise," she said flatly. "Need a peace treaty? I'm your girl. But practical jokes are another story!"

"Even if that's what it takes to get your revenge?" Catherine asked innocently.

Relena's cheeks colored, and she didn't reply.

Catherine grinned at her. "That's what I thought."

Shoulders tense, the Vice Foreign Minister looked around at her female friends, who were all regarding her with knowing expressions. She took a long moment to stare at them, then, as if making a decision she knew she wouldn't like, her shoulders slumped.

"I can't believe I'm stooping this low," she said glumly.

Hilde grinned widely. "Don't think of it as stooping. Think of it as getting even."

"I am," mumbled Relena.

"So what's the plan?" Sally asked.

A wicked smile curved Hilde's lips. "I was hoping you'd ask."

After about five minutes of Hilde explaining her plan, there was not a girl on that bus who was not secretly terrified of Hilde and what she would do to get revenge. They sat there in silence for a moment as Hilde grinned around at them.

"So, any suggestions?" she asked.

Dorothy looked thoughtfully at her. "What we need is a double-agent," she said.

Hilde smiled. "I like the way you think," she said. "But who?"

"Well . . ." Dorothy paused, tapping a finger against her lower lip, ". . . we need someone trustworthy who won't be opposed to helping us subject his comrades to total and utter humiliation."

Noin grinned. "I know just the person."

Sally looked at her, raising an eyebrow. "Noin, you don't really think . . . ?"

"He'd do anything for me," she grinned, waggling the ring finger of her left hand, where her engagement ring sparkled.

As they reached the cabins and Sally parked the bus, the girls sat in wait for the perfect moment. The men all gathered their belongings and purchases and filed slowly out of the bus, murmuring amongst themselves. Zechs brought up the rear, and he blinked as he found himself being watched by six pairs of eyes.

"Hey, girls," he said, slightly nervously, edging toward the door.

Before he could exit, Zechs was suddenly seized by the arm and tugged aside, where he found himself staring at six evilly grinning women.

"Sweetie," purred Noin, trailing a finger down his jaw line, "we need your help."

And when they explained the plan to him, he burst out laughing.

* * *

**Mwa ha ha . . . what could they possibly be planning? Well, I'll let you guys know soon! Review, please!**


	6. Chapter 6 : Hook, Line, and Sinker

**I'm sorry! I'm sorry! It's been forever! I don't know if anyone's still reading this, but I'll say this anyway . . . I SUCK AT LIFE!!! I never meant for this chapter to take so long, and I've been busy, so at the risk of sounding too whiny and apologetic, I'll get to this long-overdue chapter! Enjoy!**

* * *

Battle of the Sexes

Chapter Six - Hook, Line, and Sinker

* * *

It was lunchtime, and the dining room of the girls' cabin was still. What should have been a peaceful time of dining was instead deathly quiet as the menfolk sat at a table, chewing quietly on their food and avoiding eye contact with the girls, who were sitting at a table nearby and acting strangely . . . secretive? Mysterious? Smug? It was hard to tell. Heero, who had been watching them closely, couldn't decide if they were still pouting over their public humiliation, comforting Relena, or suffering from severe indigestion. Little did he know that the girls were silently plotting against any person in the general vicinity who had a Y chromosome.

Duo, who was sitting beside Heero, was chewing messily on the remains of the cake he had purchased at the store. Ten minutes ago it had been a whole cake, oozing with chocolate goodness, and now it was a lop-sided pile of brown mush that was one-quarter its original size and steadily shrinking. Heero was disgusted by him, but he was not, apparently, the only one.

Hilde turned her head and peered derisively at her boyfriend, wrinkling her nose at the rapid intake of food. "If you choke on that, I won't do anything to stop it," she said flatly.

Duo paused for a second, blinking over at her, then he smiled, revealing chocolate-coated teeth within the chocolate ring that used to be his mouth. He swallowed, then said sweetly, "You want some?"

She blinked, taken aback. "Huh?"

He shrugged and peered innocently at her. "It's just . . . well, I know how much you love cake and all." Duo paused, then added slyly, "Of course, the whole _world_ knows that now."

Hilde glared at him. "Shut UP!" she shouted, violently hurling the remains of her sandwich at Duo's head. Like a frisbee-catching Jack Russell terrier, Duo leaped from his seat and caught the sandwich between his teeth, laughing hysterically the whole time.

"Impressive," remarked Sally flatly. "He can catch things in his mouth, but is he house-trained?"

The other girls were carefully watching Hilde, who was quivering in rage as she glowered at her chortling boyfriend. Her face was growing rapidly redder by the minute, and it looked as if she was either going to explode, kill Duo, or both. Then an intervention came in the form of the sound of a phone ringing in Zechs's pocket.

"Excuse me for a moment," said Zechs as he put a hand to his pocket and removed the ringing cell phone. As he left the room to answer it, he tossed a wink in the girls' direction.

The girls exchanged sneaky glances. Revenge was on its way.

As planned, Hilde looked around at everyone, looking nervous. "Who would be calling here?" she asked softly. "We're on vacation."

"Zechs brought his phone just in case there was an emergency and he needed to be contacted," Noin replied, looking uneasy. "Lady Une's the only one who would be calling."

Sally frowned. "I hope nothing's wrong."

The boys were sitting in silence, alert and obviously uneasy. The girls stifled grins as they looked at each other. After explaining their plan to Zechs and nominating him as their "double agent," Zechs had suggested enlisting the help of a higher power to help their prank look more legit. After all, he had reasoned, Heero and Trowa weren't fooled that easily.

"I'm sure it's nothing, ladies," Quatre said, smiling in sweet reassurance (although there was a slight waver in his voice). "Don't worry."

"But what if it's something serious?" sniffled Catherine, turning to him with huge, watery eyes. "I don't want anything to happen to us!"

Dorothy patted her arm. "We'll find out as soon as Mr. Milliardo returns."

As if on cue, Zechs strode into the room with his phone clutched in one hand and a grim expression on his face.

"Milliardo, what's wrong?" asked Relena, looking concerned.

Zechs swallowed and responded in a very grave voice, "I've just received some troubling news from Lady Une."

"Out with it," said Heero abruptly.

"It appears," began Zechs with a quick glance at Noin, who nodded at him, "that a dangerous criminal has escaped from a nearby prison."

The girls all gasped and cowered in fear, but the ex-Gundam pilots looked flatly at Zechs.

"And . . . ?" asked a bored Wufei.

"He's extremely dangerous," said Zechs dramatically. "And he's headed in this direction."

Heero and Trowa exchanged stoic glances as the girls began to whimper, as planned.

"Oh, no, I'm scared!" cried Catherine, hugging Hilde's arm.

"Milliardo," said Relena nervously, "how dangerous is he?"

Zechs swallowed hard, and the girls had to admire him for his acting abilities even though being a man, he was the enemy. "You girls have nothing to worry about," he said in a hushed voice.

"What are you talking about?" asked Dorothy, blinking widely.

"The escaped convict's primary target is . . . young men."

Quatre was beginning to look nervous. "Young men? What do you mean?"

Only Noin noticed the corners of Zechs' lips twitch for a brief second. "Well," he said very gravely, "this particular convict is a sexual predator who likes to sodomize young men."

Duo stopped talking.

Quatre grabbed Trowa's arm and whimpered.

Trowa's mouth dropped open.

Heero grew pale.

Wufei began chewing his fingernails.

The girls were trying desperately not to laugh.

Zechs managed to wink at them without the boys noticing.

"So . . . what should we do?" asked Duo quietly.

Zechs turned to him gravely. "Stay inside," he said. "Keep your guns handy. And most of all, _keep your pants up_."

Catherine nearly sniggered, but she managed to turn it into a slightly high-pitched cough before it was noticed. There was a long moment of silence as the girls surreptitiously watched the men, gaging their reactions to this news -- however false the news was. They were not disappointed; even Trowa looked pale, nervous, and jittery as they sat in tense silence.

"Uh . . . okay," said Heero, deciding to speak first. "Well . . . I think the best thing to do is just . . . um . . . barricade ourselves in our cabin."

"But your cabin is across the path outside, and it's night," said Dorothy slyly. "We're in the middle of the woods, secluded from civilization, and there's a sexual deviant on the loose. Do you _really_ feel safe doing that?"

Duo let out a squeaky, "Sure, let's go!" and dashed toward the door, pausing in the doorway only to wave and say, "Night, girls!" before he zipped across the path into the boy's cabin, leaving a trail of dust behind him.

Quatre blinked and stood up, looking around at them. "Well, um, I guess we should go before it gets too late and . . . um . . . dark." Wufei, Heero, and Trowa also rose to their feet and moved toward the door.

Hilde snorted, but covered it up nicely. "Okay, you guys," she said, fighting back a grin. "Run fast."

Relena went to Heero's side and, with a furtive glance at Zechs to see if he was watching (he wasn't), pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek. When she withdrew and he looked at her with raised eyebrows, she did not meet his gaze, instead lowering her face so that he couldn't see her blush. "Do be safe," she said softly. "Everything will be fine."

"Relena?" he blinked at her, bringing a hand to touch the spot on his face.

She turned and went to stand beside Hilde and Dorothy, and Heero frowned as he followed Trowa and Wufei out the door. Relena watched him go, feeling guilty for the worry he'd exhibited over the supposed "criminal" on the loose. True, he was a man, and as such he was the enemy, but she loved him and felt bad pretending in front of him.

"Goodnight, gentlemen," said Dorothy, waving cheerily after them. "Try not to turn your backs on any strangers!"

Trowa, Wufei, and Heero shot her withering looks as Quatre grimaced. "Um . . . sure thing, Miss Dorothy," he replied in a strained voice. He turned and nodded at the others. "Goodnight, ladies."

Zechs followed them, tossing a wink at the girls and mouthing the words "Good job" as he exited. Noin moved to his side.

"I'll walk you boys out," she said with a kind smile. "Perhaps I can offer a certain amount of protection, hmm?"

Zechs choked back a grin as he put his arm around her and they went out the door. The moment they were gone, the five remaining girls collapsed in a heap of giggles.

"'Try not to turn your backs' . . ." choked out Hilde, wiping a tear of laughter from her eyes, "Dorothy, that was brilliant!"

Dorothy chuckled and bowed. "Why, thank you," she said. "Well done, everyone. And Miss Hilde, I must say, your plan is working quite well."

Sally snorted. "Did you see the looks on their faces?" she asked. "All five of them were scared out of their wits, even Wufei!"

"I still feel a little guilty about it," said Relena, who was the only one who did not seem to be enjoying herself. "This deception goes against my principles."

"Come on, it's good, harmless fun," said Catherine. "Besides, it's human to want revenge after you've been humiliated!"

"I suppose," muttered Relena, crossing her arms.

"Come on, ladies," said Hilde, rallying, "it's time for us to prepare for the next phase of attack!"

As the girls giggled and began to prepare, Noin was walking her fiancé outside. Making sure the other menfolk were inside the cabin and out of earshot, she took Zechs by the arm and whispered to him, "You think this will work? The boys aren't so gullible, you know."

Zechs patted her shoulder. "Don't worry. I think they fell for it."

She smiled. "Really?"

"Yep," replied Zechs with a mysterious little smirk. "Hook, line, and sinker."

Noin kissed him goodnight, and, when he was quite certain she wasn't turning back, the tall man strode quickly back to the cabin where five young men were waiting for his return.

As soon as he was inside and closed the door, an absolutely devious grin curved his lips. "Nice acting, men. They bought it."**  
**

* * *

**BAH! I know this was short, and I apologize, but I didn't really have time for a long chapter, and this one's overdue as it is! Even though there must be hatred for my lack of punctuality among those of you still reading this, be the bigger person here and . . . um . . . review, please? (hides behind a nearby bush) Pretty please?**


	7. Chapter 7 : The First Attack

Battle of the Sexes

Chapter Seven - The First Attack

* * *

Three hours after their devious plan had been put into action and they were all quite sure the enemy was asleep, the girls were preparing for the final phase of attack. Clad in black and carrying an odd assortment of weapons and items, they were slinking through the darkness, nearly invisible, and as they approached the cabin which contained their enemies, a feeling of smugness swept over them because they knew there was absolutely no way their plan could go wrong.

Well, to everyone but Relena.

"I hope you girls realize that this is totally against my principles," she whispered from where she was crouched in the bushes.

Hilde, who was pulling a black ski-mask over her face, turned a scowl on her friend. "Principles, schminciples," she hissed, waving a hand. "Who cares about that when we're after revenge?"

Relena looked around at each of the girls, sighing. "No one here, apparently," she mumbled uncomfortably.

"The Vice Foreign Minister stuffs her face!" declared Hilde dramatically. "Relena Darlian has her cake and eats it too!"

Relena's uncomfortable expression hardened. "Right. Let's go."

"You got the knife?" Hilde asked Catherine.

"Duh," replied the curly-haired girl, whipping one out of her pocket and tossing it to her. "I've got a few more if this one doesn't work for you."

"Catherine, that's a little scary," commented Sally wryly.

Catherine grinned at her. "Yeah, well so is that semi-automatic machine gun you thought no one saw you sneaking into the back of our van."

Sally shrugged. "Hey, you never know when you'll need one of those things."

Hilde, now wearing a black ski mask and black gloves and wielding the knife Catherine had given her, turned to the girls. "Alright, ladies. Is everyone ready?"

"Affirmative," replied Dorothy, who was dressed like a cat-burglar and carrying a spotlight.

"Yes," said Sally, Noin, and Catherine.

They all turned to the silent Relena, who sighed in resignation.

"Ready," she grumbled. She couldn't shake off the feeling that by agreeing, she had just sold her soul to the devil.

A glint entered Hilde's eyes as the petite girl nodded firmly. "Right," she said. "Relena and Catherine, you three stay concealed and keep a close lookout for any signs of disturbance or counter-attack from our enemies. You have your walkie-talkies and know what to do if things go wrong, right?"

"Run away," replied Relena glumly.

"'Retreat' is the proper word," Hilde corrected her. "No troops of mine are going to run away."

Relena nodded, feeling that all-too-familiar sense of doom as Hilde put her hands on her hips and surveyed the other girls.

"Sally, Noin, Dorothy, you know what to do?" she asked.

Dorothy, clutching her spotlight and positively beaming, nodded and Noin and Sally, looking quite serious, saluted Hilde crisply.

Hilde looked somberly at them and nodded. "Huddle," she said. The six girls gathered in a tight circle with their heads together as Hilde looked around at each one of them, her bright blue eyes filled with the fires of revenge. "I'm not going to make an elaborate speech or anything," she said quietly. "You girls know what we're about and what ideals we're fighting for. Justice. Equality. Fairness to the fair sex." Hilde paused and began to pace the ground. "The battle of the sexes has been raging on for years, and this attack, if it proves to be successful, will be a milestone in that battle. People will tell stories about it for years, and it may just change the entire outlook on gender roles in the world we live in today."

The girls stared silently back at her. Hilde glared around at them, saying, "I'm proud of each of you, whether we win or lose this battle. Just remember what we're fighting for, and remember that although this may be a losing battle, it's a battle we must fight. And remember this . . ."

She took a very long pause, then said very quietly and profoundly, ". . . Everything I just said is pure bullshit. The only thing we're after is revenge!"

There was a long moment of silence. Then, Relena raised an eyebrow at Hilde.

"Are you quite done?" she asked.

Hilde shrugged. "Yeah, let's go."

As she, Sally, Noin, and Dorothy approached the boys's cabin, Relena and Catherine took cover in the bushes and behind trees, close enough to keep watch but far enough away to retreat if they had to. After they were all situated and Hilde's voice crackled over their walkie-talkies, telling them to get ready, silence swept over them, like the calm before the storm.

Sally and Noin crouched down on the ground beneath one of the cabin windows, which was dark and indicated that the boys were, indeed, asleep. Dorothy was huddled on the ground two yards away, holding the battery-powered spotlight in the ready position. Hilde approached Sally and Noin, who had their hands raised in a position to boost Hilde up to the window, and she nodded at Dorothy. The spotlight flashed on, and they commenced their attack.

With the beam of white light streaming from the spotlight through the window into the boys's cabin, Hilde stepped into Noin and Sally's clasped hands, knife held at the ready. Very slowly, they raised Hilde up, and, just as they had planned, her silhouette began to appear on the wall inside the cabin. Relena couldn't help but marvel at her friend; if she had been inside the cabin, she would have been terrified at the sight of the knife-wielding figure at the window.

With careful precision, Hilde raised the knife and began to slide it across the glass of the window. Slowly, slowly, the knife screeched eerily across the glass as it slipped lower and lower, edging toward the bottom of the window frame. Carefully, Hilde slid the knife under the window and wiggled it around, suppressing a victorious smirk when she heard the telltale click that told her she had tripped the lock.

As planned, Hilde began to open the window, and as she did so, Noin held up the tape recorder she had brought along and pushed the play button. Immediately, the deep, sinister laugh of a man (which was actually Dorothy's voice under the influence of voice-altering technology) echoed through the opened window, and as Hilde raised the knife again, the voice spoke.

"Hello, little boys," it said, very creepily. "I have some candy for you."

Relena had to suppress a giggle. As much as she disapproved, she couldn't help but think that what she was seeing through the window (and what the boys were seeing) was enough to scare even Heero. Perhaps that was why neither she nor the other girls saw it coming.

Suddenly, the window flew open and a black-clad arm clutching a handgun shot out, pointing directly at Hilde's forehead. Her eyes flew open as Duo grinned at her.

"Hey, baby," he said with an evil smirk.

Screams erupted from all around as Noin, Sally, and Dorothy were suddenly ambushed, Zechs, Wufei, and a reluctant Quatre tackling them to the ground and holding them at gunpoint.

"Counter attack!" shrieked Hilde from within Duo's grasp. "Counter attack! Retreat now!"

"Go!" hissed Relena to Catherine, who scampered off, wide-eyed and panting. Out of the corner of her eye, Relena saw a gun-wielding Trowa dart from around the cabin and chase after her.

With her heart racing as she knew who was going to be searching for her, Relena backed quietly away, turned, and raced through the dark forest.

* * *

A dark figure crept silently through the nighttime shadows. Using stealth that could only be obtained through years of training, he stole quietly through the blackness with the cat-like grace of a highly trained assassin. Clothed in black and cloaked in shadows, he darted out from behind a bush and stole towards a large tree, his gun gripped tightly in one hand. A long, slim finger involuntarily tightened over the trigger.

There was his target.

Drawing in a deep breath and bringing his gun closer, the soldier crept out from behind the tree and silently approached his target from behind without her even noticing.

"Hello, Heero."

His eyes widened slightly.

How come she always knew it was him?

"Relena," Heero said quietly, speaking the name carefully. She didn't turn to face him, nor did she acknowledge the tip of his gun brushing the back of her neck as he pointed it at her.

"Your plan failed," he reported calmly.

"I know."

Relena turned to face him, her eyes falling on the gun clutched in her bodyguard's hand. Those beautiful, fearless eyes that had first captivated him years before rose to meet his.

"You're going to kill me, aren't you?"

The simple question that had become a joke between the two of them was suddenly much more serious, and Relena found the answer in the small smirk that curved Heero's lips.

"Yes."

Relena sighed, suppressing the urge to roll her eyes and say, "What, you mean for REAL this time?" Instead, she only looked him dead in the eye and smiled that tiny, gentle smile that had caused him to lower his defenses many times in the past.

"Do so, then," she said calmly.

Heero's eyes suddenly lost some of their coldness, and the hand holding the gun lowered slightly. "Do you want me to kill you?" he asked softly.

"Pardon?" Relena's smile slipped.

"I asked if you want me to kill you."

Relena stared at him a moment before letting out a light giggle. "Of course not, Heero," she replied. "Why, do you still want to kill me?"

All Heero could do for a moment was stare at her. The emotionless expression that was usually on his face remained unchanging, even as he lowered his gun and edged closer to her, never breaking eye contact, even as he wrapped his arms around her slender figure and pulled her closer.

Relena's eyes widened, and Heero said softly, "You know I could never kill you."

A smile curved Relena's lips, and she gently returned the warm embrace, burying her face in Heero's shoulder. Then, just as sudden as it had happened, the hug ended, and suddenly Relena found herself staring down the barrel of a gun. She looked at Heero, eyes wide, as he smirked at her.

"However, this _is_ a war," Heero said, his finger tightening on the trigger.

A feeling of panic seized Relena for a brief moment as, heart hammering away, she watched Heero's slim finger pull the trigger.

The outcome was definitely NOT what she had been expecting.

Instead of a bullet, a stream of ice-cold water suddenly shot from the end of the gun and sprayed Relena right in the forehead. She could only stand, stunned, as he shot her repeatedly with the squirt gun and allowed himself a quiet chuckle of victory. Then, when he was done and was left grinning at her, Relena began to quiver in anger.

"You . . . you . . ." she sputtered.

Heero's eyes widened as he realized his error: he actually made Relena, the most peaceful individual he had ever met, angry. The Perfect Soldier felt his blood run cold as Relena raised a shaking finger and pointed it at him, murder in her eyes.

"You'd better start running, Heero Yuy," she hissed, every syllable full of venom, "because when I catch you, you're going to wish you were DEAD."

* * *

**Bum-bum-BUM! What's gonna happen? You just wait and see . . . more to come soon, I swear! I won't make you wait so long!**

**Merry Christmas!**


	8. Chapter 8 : The Plot Thickens

Battle of the Sexes

Chapter Eight - The Plot Thickens

Disclaimer: Still not mine.

**AN: It's been forever. Again. College is a bitch right now. Please don't hate me . . . and if you do hate me, at least let me try to win you back with this new, long-overdue chapter. Read on!**

* * *

"I hate men!"

The door of the cabin slammed loudly, and the five women sitting on the floor looked up at the speaker, a quivering, red-faced Relena Darlian. Her hair was disheveled with leaves sticking out of it, and every muscle in her small body was taut as she glared down at them. Even Dorothy felt like slinking away and hiding from the terrifying look on the face of the Vice Foreign Minister.

Noin, the only one brave enough to make eye contact with Relena at the time, patted the spot beside her on the floor. "Come sit," she said glumly. "We all hate men."

Her tense muscles relaxing as she signed in resignation, Relena made her way over to the group of girls, shuffling her feet as she went. After she plopped down beside Noin, she looked around at them, surveying the damage the men had done to her comrades.

They all looked discouraged, a little haggard, and quite angry, some with torn clothes, others with dirt on their faces. Catherine cast Relena a sideways glance and wordlessly handed her a spoon. It was then that Relena noticed the large bowl sitting in the middle of the circle of girls.

She peered at its contents and looked back at Catherine. "Cookie dough?" she asked in a tired but hopeful way. Catherine nodded, and Relena silently dug a large chunk of cookie dough out of the bowl and began to chew on it.

There were several moments of silence before Hilde looked around at them.

"Consider this a minor setback," she said. "I still say we're out for revenge."

"Of course," said Dorothy flatly. "Those silly little boys need to be put in their places."

Hilde nodded, and that evil spark began to glimmer in her eyes once more, that gleam of insanity that first inspired them to take their revenge. She surveyed the girls as if they were her troops (and indeed, they were), and slammed her fist into her palm, raising to her feet.

"Right!" she said loudly. "We're not giving up this easily. It takes more than a couple of water pistols to dampen our spirits! If it's a war they want . . . then it's a war they're gonna get."

"Absolutely," said Sally. "Especially that damned Zechs." She paused and looked at Noin, who hadn't reacted to this. "Erm . . . sorry, Noin."

"Don't be," Noin said, waving a hand. "I may love him, but if that idiot's going to marry me, he has GOT to learn who he's dealing with."

"Then let's fight back," Relena said.

They all looked at her in surprise. "Say what?" asked Hilde.

"It's personal now," Relena said, digging her spoon once again into the bowl of cookie dough. "I no longer care about peace between our two groups. Those men have crossed the line and must be taught a lesson."

The other five girls looked around at each other, a little taken aback. There was a moment of silence as they tried to decide how best to approach this new, violence-embracing Relena. Finally, Dorothy grabbed the glass of water that was sitting beside her on the floor, took a bit of water on her fingers, and flicked it on a surprised-looking Relena.

"The power of Christ compels you!" Dorothy cried dramatically. "Out with thee, demon!"

Hilde burst out laughing, and the other girls chuckled. Even Relena cracked a smile.

"Thanks, Dorothy," she said, wiping her face on her sleeve. "But I'm not possessed. This is me speaking."

Dorothy sat back, shrugging. "Worth a shot."

Noin blinked over at Relena. "I don't understand something, Relena," she said in interest. "You were completely against this a few hours ago. What changed your mind?"

Relena scowled darkly, grabbed the entire bowl of cookie dough, and dug in violently, muttering in a heated response,

"Heero Yuy."

* * *

"They're pissed," commented Zechs, peering out the window to the girls' darkened cabin.

"Of course, they are," Wufei said, crossing his arms. "They're women. They don't know how to take a joke."

"I don't know," Quatre said, running a hand through his bangs. "The ladies have proven to have a good sense of humor in the past, but now they have a sufficient reason to be angry."

Zechs turned to look at him, frowning. "This isn't over, is it?"

"Sure it is," said Duo, who was stretched out on his bunk and grinning. "We showed them who was boss. They'd be crazy to fight back now that we have the upper hand."

Zechs sighed and turned back toward the window, frowning. "Heero and Trowa aren't back yet."

"Yeah," said Quatre, moving to his side. "I can't imagine there's anything wrong, though. They're probably just making sure everything's secure."

"Really," snorted Duo, raising his head to smirk at them. "You think two guys like Trowa and Heero were defeated by a couple of girls? Not likely."

"Still . . ." started Zechs, still looking out the window.

"Merquise, what's going on?" asked Wufei, black eyes glinting suspiciously over at the tall man. "You don't seem to be appreciating this victory."

"That's because I'm not," admitted Zechs glumly.

"Why is that?" asked Quatre.

Hesitating as if afraid to admit it, Zechs sighed heavily and massaged his temple, grumbling, "I betrayed Noin."

Duo chuckled, playing idly with the end of his braid as he swung his legs over the edge of his bed. "You should have thought about that before you decided to play double-agent."

Wufei's suspicious look had turned to disdain, and he snorted as he regarded Zerchs. "You're going soft, Merquise," he said. "Three years ago you couldn't care less who you betrayed. Now you're scared of upsetting a woman?"

"Now, Wufei, you've seen his woman," said Duo, sitting up and grinning widely at them. "Noin could kick ANY of our asses all the way to X18999. You're probably scared of her yourself."

"Nonsense," said Wufei, looking away. "No woman can intimidate me."

Duo let out a loud cough that sounded distinctly like "Sally."

The Chinese boy's muscles tensed, but instead of exploding at Duo, Wufei merely peered at the American and said, "Let me know if you have a death wish, Maxwell. One of these days, I may just kill you."

As the others carried on, Zechs peered out the window. A frown was beginning to spread across his face as he stared out the window, eyes narrowing as he focused on something. Quatre was watching him, eyebrows raised.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Is that . . . ?" started Zechs, and without finishing, he moved to the door. The others stared as he grabbed the handle and opened the door.

There stood Trowa, supporting a limp, bruised, bleeding Heero.

"What the hell happened?" said Wufei.

Trowa walked in, half-supporting, half-dragging the wounded Heero as the others stepped away from the door, giving them room. "I found him in the woods, unconscious," explained Trowa quietly.

Quatre immediately moved to his side, pulling Heero's other arm around his shoulder as he and Trowa moved Heero across the room. "Heero, are you okay?" asked Quatre.

Heero moaned. One of his eyes was swollen shut, there were bruises and cuts all over his face and arms, and he appeared to be missing a shoe.

"Holy shit," commented Duo, eyes wide. "Heero, you look worse than you did that time you blew yourself up."

Heero mumbled incoherently as Trowa and Quatre moved him to a chair, where Heero sat down gingerly, wincing in pain.

"What happened?" asked Quatre worriedly.

The Perfect Soldier glared miserably at him through the one eye that wasn't swollen shut.

"Heero?" said Quatre.

He looked in the other direction, scowling.

"C'mon, pal," said Duo with a frown. "What happened to you?"

A reluctant look crossed his face as Heero looked down and muttered incoherently.

"What was that?" asked Quatre.

"Relena," muttered Heero through swollen lips.

There was a long moment of stunned silence. Then Duo let out a hysterical, disbelieving laugh.

"You're joking," he chortled. "That sweet, angelic little pacifist did this to you? Yeah, right!"

Heero's one-eyed Death Glare was enough to convince Duo that Heero was not, in fact, joking.

"Wow," said Zechs, suppressing a grin.

"A woman kicked Heero Yuy's ass?" asked Wufei in disbelief. "And I used to admire you, Yuy."

"Looks like Noin and Sally aren't the only ones to be scared of," chuckled Duo.

"You forgot Dorothy," said Quatre unexpectedly. The others stared at him in mild surprise over the fact that the sweet blonde was speaking ill of someone, but he just blinked around at them. "What?" he asked.

"While I'll agree that Dorothy's one crazy piece of work," said Duo slowly, "I didn't expect to hear you agree."

Quatre frowned as he walked to the refrigerator. "Well, she's scary, violent, and a little too good with a fencing foil. I still have the stab wounds to prove it."

"Bitter, party of one," smirked Zechs.

The frown on Quatre's face grew a bit as he turned back to them. "I don't mean to say she's not a good person or I haven't forgiven her or anything," he said hurriedly. "I only meant that she's an intimidating person. To me."

"Sure," said Wufei, rolling his eyes. "Why don't we just go ahead and say they're all scary? That won't undermine our positions as men."

"What do you say, Heero?" asked Duo with a large grin. "You think we should be scared of all the girls now? I mean, you're obviously scared of Relena."

Heero merely grumbled and accepted the bag of ice Quatre brought him. After pressing it to his eye and wincing miserably, he sighed, "This isn't over, is it?"

"Don't count on it," replied Trowa quietly. They turned to him as he glanced out the window. "I think this is just the beginning."

* * *

"Ouch," said Sally, wincing. "You really did that?"

Relena nodded, and without the slightest bit of remorse replied, "Heero taught me the self-defense himself, and it was enough to take him down without a fight."

"Then again, he'd never hurt you," said Noin pointedly. "He's obsessed with you."

Relena's hard look slipped a little. "I know that, but I was so mad . . ."

"No need to feel bad about it, Miss Relena," said Dorothy with a serene smile. "Anger is human. Saintly as you may be, you desire revenge, and no one can begrudge you for that."

That seemed to stiffen Relena's resolve, and she squared her shoulders. "That's right."

Catherine blinked and nudged Sally. "Now she's listening to Dorothy?" she whispered.

"Relena must _really_ be pissed," replied Sally quietly. "But I guess Dorothy's actually growing on all of us."

"Yeah," whispered Catherine, smirking a little. "Like a fungus."

Hilde chose that moment to stand to her feet, erect and tense like a drill sergeant as she looked for a brief moment out the window, then turned back to the girls. "It seems our enemy is asleep," she reported. "Which means it's time to get ready for the next attack."

"Do you happen to have any more battle strategies in that crazy head of yours?" asked Sally.

Hilde grinned. "Naturally."

The girls watched with a renewed sense of hope and revenge as their fearless leader moved to the refrigerator, opened it, and removed a few messy, revolting-looking food items. An evil grin spread Hilde's lips once more as she looked around at them and said,

"Let the games begin."

* * *


	9. Chapter 9 : Hell Hath No Fury

Battle of the Sexes

By Sillabub429

Chapter 9 - Hell hath no fury . . .

**Aaaaaaaand it's been forever. Again. I suck, I know, but at least the story's still going, right? I'm not quitting on you, I promise! Especially now that it's summer, I have more time! So read on, you sillies!**

* * *

The next morning rolled around without further incident. The girls awoke with sunlight streaming into their cabin and mischievous smiles on their faces, and they giddily got out of bed as they anticipated the next step of their brilliant plan.

In the other cabin, the men woke in a slightly more wary and (at least, for Heero) pained manner, trying their hardest as they rose from their beds to ignore the sense of oncoming doom that had entered each of them. The girls were devious. Much more than the guys had ever thought possible. They knew, although none seemed willing to talk about it, that this wasn't the end.

Duo was the only one who brought it up, and as the entire situation was his fault in the first place, he was met with general annoyance and mild hostility.

"They're gonna fight back, you know," he had commented quietly over a game of poker (anything to stay away from the women), eyeing each of them warily.

"Let's not discuss it," muttered Heero, squinting through his one eye that wasn't black and blue at his hand. He paused, then put a couple of chips on the table. "Raise."

"But still," said Duo, tapping his cards on the table. "We need a strategy, right? Or are we going to just thwart whatever they decide to throw at us?"

"This 'thwarting' you speak of was only possible because they enlisted my help," grumbled Zechs, tossing a few more chips into the pile. "They're not going to trust any of us now."

"We have no idea what they're going to do next, Duo," said Quatre shrewdly. "And if you don't mind, I'd rather not dwell on it." He stopped, peered glumly at his cards, at the pile of chips, and at his cards again. "Fold," he said, lowering his hand.

Duo looked at them in amazement. "You guys actually don't care? You're not going to plan an attack or anything?"

They didn't reply, instead staring across the table at Trowa, who was taking time deciding on his call. He finally threw a couple of chips on the pile.

Duo let out a growl of frustration. "We can't let them get the best of us!" he cried. "We can totally beat them! Don't tell me you're afraid of a bunch of girls!"

"Don't be stupid," snorted Wufei.

"Then we have to do something!"

"It's funny how you keep saying 'we,'" said Zechs, "considering all of this was your fault in the first place."

"Oh, look who's talking, Mr. Double Agent," shot back Duo.

"Duo!" said Quatre.

Duo rounded on him. "Don't tell me not to argue, Quatre, I'm not gonna let those girls get the best of me!"

Quatre blinked. "Um, no. It's your turn."

Duo stopped. "Oh." He hadn't been paying attention to the game. He looked down at his very meager hand, shrugged, and laid the cards down. "Fold."

There was a moment of silence as Heero pondered the game. Then, just as it looked as though he had made a decision, Duo cut him off by bursting out, "HOW CAN YOU ALL BE SO CALM?"

"My God, Duo, SHUT UP!" yelled Trowa.

They all stopped what they were doing and stared at Trowa, who had frozen in deadpan. He looked back and forth at each of them, cleared his throat very calmly, and tried to look as if nothing unusual had happened even though a shout from Trowa's mouth was much like silence from Duo's. Which, oddly enough, was exactly what happened next. Duo sat back, crossed his arms, and glared moodily across the table until the poker game ended in peace.

"Yuy gets his ass kicked by a girl, Barton's shouting, and Maxwell's quiet," commented Wufei. "Will wonders never cease?"

"As long as Relena's out for blood, I doubt it," said Heero glumly.

* * *

"Pickled pig's feet?"

"Check."

"Hog jowl?"

"Check."

"Pork brains?"

"Ch-check."

"Sardines?"

"Check."

"Liver mush?"

"Ew. I mean, um, check."

"Good." Hilde looked proudly at the girls and the disgusting array of items that no surely human would see fit to digest. Hilde, Catherine, and Dorothy had snuck the items back from the grocery store the day before, certain that the nasty bits of smelly animal proteins would come in handy, and come in handy they would for Hilde had devised a plan that they were ready to set into motion.

"All weapons accounted for," said Hilde, sounding very pleased. She grinned over at Relena, who was standing stiffly and seriously beside her.

"Are you ready for your part, Agent Darlian?" asked Hilde.

Relena nodded grimly. "Yes."

"And you, Agent Catalonia?" asked Hilde with a smirk at Dorothy.

Dorothy, who was clad in a fluffy pink towel with her copious amounts of hair piled in a mound atop her head, smiled gracefully and brandished a very realistic-looking plastic snake as if it was a sword. "I am willing to die for this cause."

"Let's not go that far," grinned Noin nervously.

"And the rest of you ladies?" asked Hilde, looking around at them. Sally and Noin were wearing plastic gloves and clutching waterproof plastic bags full of the meat items, and Catherine had just finished planting more of the realistic-looking plastic snakes, as well as several large fake spiders and bugs, around the room.

"Ready," said Catherine brightly.

"Ready," said Sally and Noin.

"Then it's time," said Hilde gravely. She looked at Relena and said, very somberly, "Best of luck, Agent Darlian. We're counting on you."

Feeling a little nauseous about her task yet completely willing to do what was needed for the sake of their cause, Relena turned and walked to the door, trying to shake the feeling she was in the midst of undoing every noble thing she had ever accomplished. As she walked out into the bright sunshine and across the dirt clearing between the two cabins, she hung her head and tried to appear as remorseful as possible.

It turned out, she was better at the pretending than she thought, for as soon as she knocked on the door of the boy's cabin and a very angry-faced Zechs answered the door, his face immediately softened at the forlorn expression on his little sister's face.

"Relena?" he said worriedly. "Is something wrong?"

Relena sniffled convincingly and stared down at her feet. "Hello, brother," she said in a tiny, sad voice. "May I please speak with Heero?"

"Yuy?" said Zechs sharply. "Why?"

Relena's bright blue eyes raised up to meet her brother's, and she bit her lip. "Please don't sound so angry, brother," she said. "I've just realized that I need to speak with him about what happened."

"Why?" asked Zechs, stepping out onto the porch and shutting the door behind him.

Rubbing at her eyes in a rather pitiful manner, Relena hung her head again and shuffled her feet guiltily. "I feel very bad about what I did," she said. "I used what he taught me against him, all of the self-defense, and he would never have hurt me the way I hurt him."

Zechs's eyebrows drew together in a frown. "Frankly, Relena, I'm very proud of you," he said, and then, grinning, he added, "You . . . well . . . you kicked his ass."

It wasn't the reaction he had been hoping for; instead of giggling, Relena's face crumpled up and she covered it, crying convincingly into her hands. "B-brother!" she wailed. "Don't say that! I'm not proud of what I did!"

Zechs didn't have time to notice that no tears were streaming from Relena's eyes as he let out an alarmed sound and tried to hush her crying. "Stop, Relena, I was just trying to cheer you up."

"Then let me talk to Heero," sniffled Relena. "I must apologize. I have to make peace with him. Surely you understand how important this is to me?"

Zechs honestly_ didn't_ understand, but he smiled reluctantly and put a hand on Relena's shoulder. "I'll go get Heero," he said, forcing himself to sound as if he didn't mind at all.

Relena sniffled, nodded, and rubbed her eyes as Zechs disappeared behind the door, and inwardly she felt a sense of smug giddiness over what she had just achieved. The guilt she felt beneath that, well, she was learning to suppress it just fine.

Zechs reappeared a moment later with a bruised and grumpy Heero by his side. Relena immediately looked down and sniffled again, even as Zechs said, "Make it quick, Yuy," and walked back into the cabin.

Heero was staring hard at Relena, his expression unreadable.

Meanwhile, the girls in the opposite cabin were crouched around the window, watching as Relena and Heero spoke for a moment, and then Relena led Heero away from the cabin into the woods, following the dirt path as they took a walk, as planned, so that Relena could "apologize" to him. The girls felt a surge of pride at Relena's abilities and her success at immobilizing who they all considered their biggest threat, and as Relena and Heero disappeared from sight, Hilde regarded Noin and Sally.

"Agents Noin and Po," she said gravely, "gather your weapons and get ready for Phase Two."

Sally and Noin quickly gathered their bags of disgusting food products and exited the cabin, watched by the other three girls as they edged toward the other cabin and hid themselves among the bushes. A moment later, Sally's head emerged from a bush and she flashed them the thumbs-up sign.

"That's our signal," said Hilde gravely. "Agent Catalonia, into position."

Dorothy saluted and, clutching her towel and the plastic snake, walked across the room and into their small bathroom. A moment later, Hilde and Catherine heard the shower running, and they grinned at each other.

"Ready, Agent Bloom?" said Hilde.

"Ready, Leader," said Catherine.

A moment later, high pitched, excruciatingly loud screams echoed through the woods, and the men in the cabin stood up in alert.

"Was that Hilde?" asked Duo worriedly.

They all sat very still, and the screams sounded again, this time much louder.

"Catherine too," said Trowa.

The five guys got up from their seats and stepped out of the cabin, and they were all surprised to see Catherine bolting towards them, hysterical tears (actually water) running down her face. She skidded to a halt in front of Trowa, panting heavily.

"What is it, Miss Catherine?" asked Quatre worriedly.

"In the cabin . . ." panted Catherine, ". . . everywhere . . . snakes . . ."

She looked in alarm toward the cabin as Hilde ran out of it, screaming hysterically and darting towards them, flinging herself into Duo's arms.

"Dorothy's still in there," she whimpered. "One was in her shower and . . ."

Dorothy's high-pitched shriek sounded from inside the cabin.

"Oh, God!" squealed Hilde, burying her face into Duo's shirt. "It got her! I HATE nature!"

"Get rid of them, get rid of them, get rid of them," sobbed Catherine, grabbing Trowa by the shoulders and shaking him rapidly.

Gingerly removing her hands from his shoulders, Trowa patted her head awkwardly. "We'll take care of it," he said, striding toward the cabin. Quatre and Zechs followed suit, but Wufei and Duo stayed behind. Wufei was looking skeptically at the girls, trying to find a hint of truth to their words, while Duo was comforting Hilde as best he could.

"Are you okay, babe?" he asked gently. "Did you get bitten?"

Hilde shook her head, panting madly. "Please, just go get rid of them."

Duo nodded. "Of course, babe."

He grabbed Wufei by the arm and dragged him after him, and Hilde and Catherine watched in satisfaction as the five men disappeared into the cabin. A moment later, Dorothy screamed again and streaked, completely naked and dripping water, from the cabin, shrieking hysterically about demon-possessed snakes as she bolted towards them and hid in the safety of the men's cabin. Sally and Noin snuck in after her, clutching their bags full of animal protein products, and they found Dorothy sitting on Quatre's bed, wrapped in one of his blankets.

"You could have kept the towel on," observed Sally. "You didn't have to be naked."

Dorothy shrugged. "I wanted my performance to look authentic. When one is face to face with death, one doesn't bother with having the time to grab a towel and preserve her maiden modesty."

"Maiden modesty?" said Noin incredulously. "Dorothy, do you even HAVE that?"

Dorothy snorted and ignored her, peering at Sally, who was looking out the window. "There go Hilde and Catherine back into the cabin." observed Sally. "That should stall them for about two minutes."

"I shall keep watch," said Dorothy, pointing in the direction of the bathroom. "Do your duty, girls."

It took a total of one minute for Noin and Sally to fill the bathtub with sardines, the toilet with liver mush, the sink with hog jowl, and the refrigerator with pork brains. They reappeared just as Dorothy said, "Here come Heero and Relena," and they quickly took the pickled pig's feet and dumped them into each of the guys' shoes.

"Let's go, quickly," said Sally.

They emerged from the cabin, supporting Dorothy, who was staggering dramatically, wide-eyed and shaky as they walked to the girls' cabin.

The guys chose that moment to emerge, with the other three very confused-looking girls.

"We found Dorothy running around naked in the woods," said Noin. "We didn't think that was all that unusual until we found that she was hysterical and dripping wet."

Dorothy snorted, then tried her best to turn it into a panicky wheeze. She failed, and instead succumbed to a coughing fit.

"What happened?" asked Sally, thumping Dorothy on the back.

"Someone tricked us!" cried Catherine, somewhat madly. "The whole cabin was full of snakes and spiders!"

"Are you okay?" asked Noin worriedly. "Did they bite you?"

"They were fakes, all of them," said Wufei flatly. "I'm sure those girls planted them to make us worry."

"Why would we do that?" squeaked Hilde, eyes wide. "Surely you don't think we wanted to scare the shit out of _ourselves_?"

Wufei blinked, and Quatre cut in hastily, "Now, now, we're not blaming you girls. I actually would say that the possibility of you planting the fake snakes _was_ likely . . . except for the fact that Dorothy ran so . . . um . . . uninhibitedly from the shower . . . as she did . . ." His voice trailed off as his face grew red.

"Miss Dorothy's a lady," said Relena, "why would she fake such fear just to run around naked?"

"That's right, I'm no exhibitionist," said Dorothy firmly. "I wouldn't run about naked without a verygood reason."

"Let's not talk about any of those reasons," said Duo quickly.

Relena was looking around at them, her eyes wide. "Why on earth were there fake snakes in our room?" she asked worriedly. "Who would do such a mean thing?"

"I don't know," said Wufei, still not seeming convinced. "Maybe one of your crazy female comrades?"

"Oh sure, blame us!" said Catherine bitterly. "You don't know what it's like to have your cabin filled with what you think are deadly creatures, you don't know what it's like to have your safety stripped away, every bit of your vacation ruined . . ." She stopped and began to cry into her hands.

The guys exchanged uncomfortable glances.

"Don't cry, Cathy," said Trowa quietly. "We'll figure this out."

Catherine grabbed her brother tightly and squashed him in a furious embrace, bawling convincingly into his shirt. Trowa stood there, a deadpan expression on his face and a "why me?" look in his eyes.

"So who did it?" asked Hilde suddenly, looking around at the guys. They all stared back at her.

"Say what?" asked Duo.

"Well, it's clear we didn't do it," said Hilde. "So which of you planted those things in there?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," said Duo, stepping back. "You're not trying to say that WE . . ."

"Of course, you did!" cried Hilde. "You would just love to get us back, wouldn't you, Duo?"

Duo blinked. "Well, yeah, but . . ."

"You admit it!" shrieked Hilde. "I knew it!"

"Babe, you're being crazy," said Duo.

"Crazy?" said Hilde hysterically. "Crazy? You'd be crazy too, mister, if you were in _my_ position!"

Duo was about to retort again, but Relena stepped forward.

"Enough, both of you," she said. "Arguing is going to get you nowhere."

Quatre nodded. "I agree. We'll figure this out rationally."

"I'm through with reason," said Hilde hotly. "I'm going inside."

She strode heatedly back into the cabin, followed closely by Catherine and Dorothy. Duo, on the other hand, let out a frustrated groan, threw his hands into the air, and strode in the opposite direction to the guys' cabin. Trowa and Quatre turned and also walked back to the boy's cabin as, Noin and Sally, as planned, sympathetically watched them before exchanging glances and turning to follow their three retreating companions, leaving Relena as the sole girl standing with the remaining three men. Wufei was staring at Relena in suspicion, black eyes narrowed and glinting. Zechs's eyes were narrowed too, but he kept looking from Heero to Relena and back again, both eyebrows furrowed in scrutiny.

After a long moment of silence (in which Relena knew Duo, Trowa, and Quatre would soon discover the massacred bits of animal flesh strewn about their cabin), Relena cleared her throat, nodded at the men, and smiled gently at Heero.

"Thank you for hearing me out, Heero," she said primly, "and I do hope you'll accept my apology."

Heero's one visible eye followed her as she began to walk back to the girl's cabin, and it looked as though he was about to speak to her when suddenly, the other cabin erupted in shouts.

"WHAT THE HELL?" screamed Duo's voice.

Zechs, Wufei, and Heero stopped short and turned towards their cabin.

"OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN HERE? WHAT DID THEY . . . HOW DID THEY . . . _SHIT_!" screamed Duo, louder.

"EW!" came Quatre's disgusted cry.

Wufei's suspicious look melted into one of loathing as he glared at Relena, muttered, "I knew it," and dashed toward the cabin, followed closely by Zechs. Heero only stared at Relena, looking puzzled as if he had seriously miscalculated something and was trying to figure out where he went wrong.

"Relena," he started, "did you . . . ?"

"HOLY SHIT!" came Zechs's repulsed shout.

In response to the question he never finished, Relena looked haughtily back at Heero, tossed her hair, and strutted away into the girls' cabin, leaving the Perfect Soldier no choice but to face the unknown carnage that awaited him.

Back in the girls' cabin, the five female deviants were huddled in glee by the window, and as soon as Relena walked in they let out an ear-splitting cheer.

"Relena, you kick ass!" shouted Hilde, slapping the skinny politician on the back. "Great work, soldier!"

Relena grinned. "You know I can't take the credit for your brilliant ideas, Hilde," she said. "I believe that _you_, in fact, are the one who . . . what was it? Oh, yes. _You_ kick ass."

"But you totally kick SO much more ass than I do!"

"On the contrary, Hilde, I believe . . ."

"Enough!" shouted Dorothy, striking a pose that was meant to look gallant but ended up looking rather silly as she was only clad in a blanket. "We _all _kick ass!"

"Yeah!" cheered the others.

Sally grinned and looked out the window. "They haven't come out yet," she said with a grin.

"Of course not," snorted Noin. "We mutilated their cabin. They're going to be finding bits of animal products in their stuff until we go back home."

The others laughed at this idea, but Catherine, who was peering out the window cried, "Look!"

Outside the boys' cabin, looking very sorry indeed, was Duo, wielding what appeared to be a white piece of fabric tied to the end of Wufei's katana, blowing in the wind like a flag.

"They . . . they surrender?" asked Hilde incredulously. A look of delight spread across her face. "They surrender!"

"Are you sure?" asked Sally.

"Maybe he's just trying to catch our attention," said Dorothy.

Hilde pried the window open and stuck her head out. "DUO!" she bellowed. "DO YOU SURRENDER?"

Duo shouted something back, but none of them could make it out.

"WHAT?" screamed Hilde.

"I SAID, WE'RE NO MATCH FOR YOU!" shouted Duo. "COME OUT SO WE CAN TALK PEACE!"

"Finally!" cried Relena, looking relieved.

Dorothy looked most disappointed as she crossed her arms. "I can't believe it."

"Believe it, Dorothy," grinned Hilde triumphantly. "We _won_."

Dorothy frowned.

"Do you really like conflict that much?" asked Catherine curiously.

"I thrive on it," replied Dorothy simply.

"Oy," said Catherine. Then, her eyes widened. "Hilde, Relena, where are you going?"

"It's time for this to end," said Relena. "We need peace."

"And Duo takes battle too seriously for this to be a bluff," said Hilde confidently. "We can trust that they've really surrendered."

They went outside, followed closely by the other girls bar Dorothy, who was sulking on the porch.

Duo trotted up to them, grinning appreciatively. "You girls are quite the adversaries," he admitted. "I didn't think you had it in you."

"Well, now you know," said Hilde, gloating.

Noin and Relena were both craning their heads to see into the guys' cabin, while Sally asked, "Are the others coming out to talk peace too?"

Duo grinned and nodded, then turned to the cabin and called, "Guys, get out here!"

That was when all hell broke lose.

The cabin door burst open and Heero, Zechs, Wufei, Trowa, and even Quatre dashed out, all clutching some of the disgusting food products as they hurtled towards the unsuspecting girls.

Zechs got there first. Tackling Noin around the waist, he dragged her to him, pressed a furious kiss on her lips, and smashed a whole handful of pork brains into her hair, rubbing it in and laughing hysterically. Noin shrieked indignantly and kicked out at him, but Zechs was out of reach and Noin's short hair was matted with pork brains.

Heero reached Relena next. In about three seconds flat, the Vice Foreign Minister found herself covered in bits of liver mush, with a few sardines stuffed down her shirt for good measure. Heero grinned at her and ran after Zechs, leaving Relena pale and trembling in fury.

Sally and Catherine both found themselves being pelted with pickled pig's feet as Trowa and Quatre threw them, the slimy little bits of pork bouncing off the girls and leaving foul-smelling wet spots all over them. Sally and Catherine covered their heads with their arms and ran, yelling in alarm, into the girl's cabin, where Dorothy was waiting and watching with a look of glee on her face. That look of glee, however, was quickly erased by the piece of raw hog jowl that Wufei hurled at her, smacking her across the face and making her fall to the ground.

Hilde watched in outrage as Duo, who had looked so sincere a moment before, grinned sweetly at her, pressed a kiss to her cheek, and danced away, arms flailing like an autistic ballerina. As Hilde stared on, red-faced and furious, Duo did an impressive pirouette, twirled around some more, and yelled, "FIRE!"

Hilde was pelted from every angle by liver mush, sardines, pork brains, and pig's feet. Screaming indignantly at the men for ruining everything she had plotted and planned so hard for, she covered her head and darted into the cabin, leaving the six men hooting and cheering and gloating in victory.

"GODDAMN IT!" screamed Hilde, bursting into the girls' cabin. The smell in the cabin was overwhelming, and she nearly gagged but managed not to in order to survey her troops.

Relena, Noin, Sally, Catherine, and Dorothy looked back at her, anger etched into every feature of their faces (except Dorothy's, which was mingled with a little bit of crazed anticipation). Hilde knew without having to ask what they were thinking, and she knew that when she said what she was about to, she would be met with nothing but approval. Nevertheless, she spoke anyway.

"They may have won this battle, but now it's _war_."

* * *

**Seriously. It's been like five months. This won't happen again. It's now summer, I only have work to worry about, and I'm gonna FINISH THIS STORY! YEAH! So expect many more updates. But before that . . . REVIEW! Please boost my pitiful ego?**


	10. Chapter 10 : Oh, What A Tangled Web

Battle of the Sexes

By Sillabub 429

Chapter Ten – Oh, What a Tangled Web . . .

_Sorry it's so late again! But it's almost over, only two chapters after this one!_

* * *

Everything was silent. 

Every woodland creature, every bird, every bug, every living thing that dwelled in the woods surrounding the two cabins was completely quiet, as if the sheer animosity between the men and women was so overwhelming that the world around them reflected those very feelings.

The girls were the angriest, and understandably so; Hilde and Relena especially couldn't seem to speak of the guys without getting red-faced and indignant about the attack that had taken place earlier that day . . . which made planning any sort of retaliation difficult. Even Dorothy was wary around Relena, and although she would never admit to anyone else she was a bit scared of the Vice Foreign Minister. However, she had no problem admitting that she was incredibly proud of Relena.

"And just think, Miss Relena," she was saying as the group of girls walked toward the lake; the day was warm and sunny, and what better way to plan out revenge than sunning on vacation? "Just think of how your campaign would have benefited from this attitude of yours! Why, by utilizing all the rage and powers of manipulation you've been hiding from the rest of the world, you could easily rule the entire Earth Sphere!"

Sally and Noin exchanged glances, while Catherine, her eyes wide behind her sunglasses, merely stared at Dorothy in amazement. Relena smiled, although it was a slightly thin-lipped smile.

"Yes," she said calmly, "yes, I realized that a long time ago."

Dorothy seemed disappointed. "Why not use your gifts and talents to become more powerful?"

Relena stared determinedly ahead as she replied, "As an advocate of peace, and I have no intention of becoming such a hypocrite in my line of duty."

"You seem to have no problem with that in your personal life," pointed out Hilde.

Relena turned to her with raised brows as Hilde said, "What? It's true."

"There's the lake!" cried Catherine, pointing ahead of them.

The girls trudged down the trail a little ways longer, the trees growing thinner and thinner until they found themselves standing on the bank of the small lake, the sun beaming down at them. The beautiful sight combined with the warmth of the sun did much to lighten their spirits, and the group of girls eagerly approached the sandy edge of the lake.

Hilde, Dorothy, and Catherine immediately jumped in the cool, clear water while Relena, Noin, and Sally decided to lay their towels on the sandy banks and bask in the sunlight. A few minutes of relaxed happiness passed as the six girls reveled in the fact that the guys were not in their general vicinity . . . until one of the objects of their loathing appeared.

"Hello, ladies," called Quatre, who was standing, seemingly alone, on the bank.

"Ugh," said Dorothy, peering at him in clear distaste. "Swine. Ignore him, girls."

"What do you want, Quatre?" Noin called coldly, scowling at him.

Quatre, with whom Noin usually got along very well, looked taken aback by her cold tone and nervously glanced away, saying something none of them could hear.

"What?" yelled Sally.

"Peace!" called Quatre, turning back to them. "I want to talk peace!"

He received flat looks from the six girls as Dorothy drawled sarcastically, "Oh, really?"

"Yes!" cried Quatre, looking anxious. "Look, the others don't know I'm here, so let's talk about ending this!"

"What about your participation in the little shindig earlier?" asked Catherine, one slim eyebrow raised. "You didn't seem to be in any hurry to discuss peace when you were hurling chunks of dead animals at us, did you?"

Quatre flushed. "Can I just talk to you all?" he asked, somewhat desperately. "I can't handle this animosity."

They stared at him as Quatre stepped toward them, shouting, "Please! We shouldn't be fighting at all!"

Something in Quatre's angelic face, huge turquoise eyes, and desperate plea for peace melted the resolve of the girls, and they looked around at each other for a silent moment before Hilde crossed her arms and cocked an eyebrow seriously.

"The other guys really don't know you're here?" she asked skeptically. "You came to talk peace of your own accord?"

"Yes!" cried Quatre, still looking nervous. "And I don't want them to know I'm here! Now please, please, can we talk?"

That seemed to convince the rest of them, and Noin smiled a little and patted the ground beside her.

"Sit," she said. "We'll talk."

Quatre rushed toward them anxiously and plopped gratefully down beside her. Relaxing, he smiled in a relieved sort of way as the other girls gathered around to listen to what their male guest had to say. After a few minutes of discussing strategy and a supposed plan for peace, the girls had been lulled into a sense of security, utterly convinced that Quatre genuinely wanted the madness to end. He was, after all, the saintliest and sweetest of the group; without a malicious bone in his body, what reason did he have to betray them?

"It basically comes down to this," he was saying, munching on a piece of chicken produced from Hilde's picnic basket. "You can either let me tell the other guys that you want peace, or you can surrender directly."

Relena sat up so fast her sunglasses slipped down the bridge of her nose. "Surrender?" she asked. "Why us? Why not you guys?"

Quatre blinked at her, chewed slowly, and swallowed. "Well," he said, trying to sound reasonable, "you know how we are."

The girls looked at him flatly. "Yes, we do," said Noin. "We know you boys quite well. And . . . ?"

He looked around at each of the girls. "We're not going to surrender," he said simply. "If there's going to be peace, you girls are the ones who will have to bring it."

"You mean to say," said Dorothy, flaring up, "that we should surrender because we're girls?"

"Not at all!" cried Quatre, looking faintly alarmed.

"Or maybe you're suggesting it because by surrendering, this crazy war will be over and YOU'LL be happy," accused Hilde.

"N-no!" stammered Quatre. "I only meant . . . well . . . we're more stubborn. And more adept at this type of battle."

Catherine snorted. "Seriously? Were you paying any attention _at all_ when we turned your cabin into a grocery aisle from hell?"

"Yes, and I was also paying attention when we used those groceries against you," said Quatre calmly.

"That's just it, Quatre," said Sally. "We're an even match for you boys, and we'll never be taken seriously as opponents if we back down every time you retaliate."

Quatre blinked around at their faces, looking thoroughly perplexed. "I just . . ." he started confusedly, ". . . I thought you wanted peace."

They only stared at him in silence, and Quatre turned his gaze to Relena. "Miss Relena, even you?"

Relena gazed levelly at him. "I have absolutely no intention of surrendering," she said. "This is a battle we're going to continue to fight until our enemy loses."

"It basically comes down to this," said Hilde, smirking as she leaned over to stare Quatre directly in the eye. "You're either with us or against us. As much as we like you, Quatre, well . . . you happen to possess the Y chromosome."

He blinked. "Which makes me . . . ?"

"By definition, our enemy," sighed Noin. "But it's your choice."

His gaze grew unreadable as he looked around at the six girls, all of whom liked him and had no desire to be his enemy. There was a long moment of silence as Quatre's gaze looked beyond the group of girls to something they couldn't see, and, as if he hadn't just been asked to choose sides at all, he stood briskly to his feet and dusted off his trousers.

"Looks like rain, doesn't it?" he asked conversationally, looking up to the sky.

The girls looked perplexedly at him; the summer sun was beaming brightly down on them, and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Before they could ask what he meant, Quatre grinned at them, waved cheerily, and shoved his hands in his pockets as he walked back toward the cabins, whistling idly.

"Quatre!" yelled Relena. "What's the meaning of – eeek!"

A giant water balloon had come hurtling from out of nowhere. Big as a bowling ball, it landed directly on top of Relena's straw hat and burst, sending liquid spraying all over the girls.

"It's full of paint!" cried Catherine, staring in horror at Relena.

Relena shrieked as bright pink paint dripped down her new hat and down her face, streaking her body with the thick liquid and making her look as if she had had a serious Pepto-Bismol accident.

"Quatre!" yelled Sally. "What the hell?"

But he was dashing back toward the trees, where the other five guys stood in wait with what appeared to be baskets full of paint-filled balloons. The girls could only stare in horror as Duo stepped out from behind the trees, a plastic pirate cutlass clutched in his hand and a huge, mad grin on his face.

Before the girls could scream, he shouted, thrusting his cutlass forward, "FIRE!"

Like cannonballs the balloons sailed forward, pelting the girls and the area around them. They screamed in outrage as they were splattered with reds, yellows, greens, blues, every color they could think of.

"YOU BASTARDS!" screamed Hilde in outrage, wiping purple from her mouth and scowling

"I told you, you should have surrendered!" yelled Quatre.

Noin glowered at him. "QUATRE, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD . . ." But she was cut off as a well-aimed balloon thrown by Wufei made direct contact with her face, covering her pale skin with orange. As she wiped the paint from her eyes she caught a glimpse of Wufei and Zechs sharing a high-five, and she let out a snarl of rage.

Catherine, who as an acrobat was quite nimble, was leaping around and dodging almost every balloon that flew her way. She was doing quite well avoiding getting hit, when suddenly the rain of paint balloons halted.

Catherine stopped next to Dorothy and looked around confusedly, then twirled around to point a finger at the men, shouting jubilantly, "HA!"

Her victory was short lived when six different colored balloons soared suddenly through the air and pelted her and Dorothy with deadly accuracy. Anguished and covered in colors, Catherine spat out a mouthful of paint and was about to scream at them when a cry of despair diverted her attention.

Dorothy had fallen to her knees, multiple colors of paint coating her long hair so thickly that the pale blond no longer showed through. "My . . . hair . . ." she said weakly, running her paint-covered fingers over the multicolored strands.

They all stared at her as Hilde gasped, wide-eyed, "Her hair! The source of all her powers!"

Dorothy raised her head, and her pale blue eyes blazed red with fire. Even from the distance they were standing at, the men took a few steps back at the sight of the murderous glare she sent them. Slowly, like some freakish vision of the undead covered in paint rather than blood, Dorothy rose to her feet, her fists clenched and muscles taut as she forced her legs into a standing position.

"Dorothy, calm down," said Relena, hurrying forward. "You can't let your composure slip! Think of . . ." but Relena's voice trailed off as she stared from Dorothy to the frightened-looking men and back again.

"Actually," she said quietly, stepping back, "I want to see what happens."

Seething, every inch of her thin body quivering with unadulterated rage, Dorothy regarded the six men with a look that was scarier than every battle they had ever fought, combined.

"You . . . will . . . DIE!" she screamed, and like a bullet she took off.

The girls could only watched in horror and amazement as Dorothy sped toward the guys so quickly that all they could see of her was a blur of colors. Her paint-soaked hair flying wildly about like a psychedelic halo, she let out a scream of rage and head-butted Quatre, who let out a squeak and sailed into a nearby bush where he promptly became stuck. She then whirled around and somehow managed to simultaneously tie Duo's braid to an overhanging tree branch and pin Wufei to the ground by stabbing his own katana through his shirt. Trowa and Heero darted toward her at the same instant, but Dorothy nimbly leaped out of the way just in time so that the two soldiers collided with each other, knocking their heads together and collapsing onto the ground in pain. Finally, Dorothy seized a fleeing Zechs by the hair, tripped him, and somehow managed to shove his head into a soft mound of dirt so that he rather looked like an ostrich hiding its head in the sand.

Then, as suddenly as it had started, it was over. Dorothy snorted down at the fallen soldiers, flicked her paint-soaked hair out of her face, and flounced back over to where the rest of the girls were standing aghast, staring in amazement at the six casualties of Dorothy's rage.

"I am so scared of her right now," muttered Sally to Noin.

"No kidding," said Noin out of the side of her mouth.

But Relena and Hilde were running toward Dorothy, cheering, while Catherine broke into a rousing chorus of "Hail the Conquering Hero" as their heroine, now looking quite calm, approached them.

"I'm ready to go back to the cabin, I think," she said, as if nothing had happened. "Are you girls ready to go clean up?"

They agreed with her (because really, who wouldn't?), and as they turned to gather their belongings Quatre muttered a weak, "No . . ."

They ignored him as they grabbed their paint-soaked towels and began to trudge up the path to the cabins, walking right by the guys, who were still laying in shock where Dorothy had left them.

"Don't go to the cabin yet," said Quatre. "Wait."

Dorothy shot a cool glance over her shoulder at him. "Oh, and why?"

"We . . ." said Duo, swallowing hard as he dangled from the tree branch. "We have to . . . fix something."

Relena let out a snort as they flounced past them. "It's too late," she said disdainfully. "We won't accept your offer of peace this time."

"It's not that . . ." said Quatre weakly. "It's . . ."

But they stopped listening as they continued up the path and out of earshot.

"Dorothy, that was amazing," said Hilde. "You kick serious ass."

"I do, don't I?" said Dorothy pleasantly. "So long as my hair returns to its natural shade of perfect, I will continue to kick ass."

"So it _is_ the source of your powers," said Catherine in awe.

"Powers?" asked Dorothy with a laugh. "I have no idea what you mean."

"Dorothy, your abilities aren't natural for someone who wasn't trained in combat," said Relena, who was walking next to the blonde. "You just beat up six of the best-trained and most accomplished soldiers in the Earth Sphere."

"Seriously," agreed Hilde. "You went crazy on them! It was awesome."

Dorothy, however, had a slight frown on her face as she stared ahead of them at their cabin. "Am I crazy, then," she said, raising a hand to point ahead, "or do I see a note of some sort on our door?"

They all turned to look, and Sally and Noin dashed up to the door to remove the note.

"'Dear losers,'" read Noin after opening it up, "'Here's hoping the real thing scares you just as much.'"

"'The real thing?'" asked Catherine, looking perplexed. "What does that mean?"

But Sally was regarding the closed door in horror. "I think I know exactly what it means," she said, and she grabbed the knob, turned it, and pushed the door open.

The girls screamed.

The cabin was full of creatures. Snakes, spiders, worms, frogs, every type of creepy crawler the woods had to offer slithered, hopped, crawled, and squirmed over everything in the cabin. Their belongings were covered, their beds were covered, and the nasty collection of creatures began to crawl over the threshold of the door and out onto the dirt the girls were standing on.

At that immediate moment, there was only one thing the girls could think of to do: scream.

As the sound of their shrieks echoed through the woods, the six men, who were still in the same exact spots where Dorothy had left them, winced upon hearing it.

"Maybe that wasn't the best move, y'know, on our part," muttered Duo, who had begun to try to free himself and was failing miserably.

"You say that now that you know how dangerous Dorothy is," said Quatre, somewhat bitterly. He wriggled where he was trapped in the shrubbery, struggled a little, and sighed, still stuck. "A little help?"

Heero rose to his feet to help Quatre out and was throwing Duo an annoyed look. "Duo," he said bluntly, "as far as I can remember, everything so far has been your idea, and that makes this your fault."

Duo winced, but whether it was at Heero's words or the screams that continued to echo down from the girl's cabin, no one knew. At any rate, he decided to ignore the indisputable fact that Heero had pointed out and instead tried to reach the end of his braid, which was still tied very tightly around an overhanging branch. He couldn't seem to reach; his braid was longer than his arm span, and he was hanging from the branch so that his feet were dangling several inches above the ground.

"Damn that Dorothy," he muttered vehemently, swinging like a pendulum as he struggled. "Someone wanna help out here?"

Zechs, Trowa, Wufei, Heero, and Quatre said nothing; they were determinedly avoiding both the question and looking at Duo, instead focusing on getting back up on their feet.

Zechs, who still had copious amounts of dirt on his face and in his hair, was shaking his head as he looked toward the cabins. He had detected Noin's shouts among those they could hear; no doubt she and the others were fighting to rid their cabin of the beastly terrors at that very moment. He felt a twinge of guilt as he remembered suggesting to Duo to find snakes, knowing that they were one of the very few things Noin was afraid of.

"There'll be no living with her after this," he said.

Heero shook his head. "We'll be lucky if we make it through this alive."

"No," said Trowa flatly, rubbing the sore spot on his head, "DUO will be lucky to make it through alive."

Duo, still squirming to untie his braid, tried his hardest to spin around and send a glare in Trowa's direction, but somehow his braid ended up wrapped around his neck. He choked, sputtered, and began to feebly wave his arms in a desperate gesture for help, unable to speak due to his strangling braid. The others stared at him, trying to ignore the screams that continued to echo down from the cabins.

Looking somewhat guilty for letting Duo dangle there for that long, Quatre inched forward to help the choking American. He stopped, though, looking hesitantly back at Heero, Wufei, Zechs, and Trowa. "Can I help him?" he asked.

"If you must," muttered Wufei.

Duo was beginning to turn blue by the time Quatre managed to untie his braid, but as soon as he was freed and fell to the ground in a gasping heap, color began to return to his face. They stared at Duo for a couple of minutes, silent enough so that they could still hear the shrieks of the girls and the dull thuds as the creatures in the cabin were smashed, probably to death. Twice they heard the sound of glass breaking, and once they were pretty certain they heard Dorothy scream, "Don't hesitate, Relena! Kill! Kill!" followed by a very loud crash.

Surprisingly, Trowa was the first of the men to speak.

"What next?" he said, staring passively in the direction of the cabins.

Zechs sighed and shrugged. "We wait."

"Shouldn't we help?" asked Quatre quietly.

"That would only annoy them more," said Heero. "We've done enough for now. We should stay away."

Fully recovered from being choked, Duo sent a wide grin at them. "So you guys wanna start planning the next phase of attack, or what?"

The leftover balloons full of paint thrown directly at Duo's head from five different angles seemed to be a fair price to pay for the suggestion.

* * *

Some hours later, Sally flopped lifelessly onto her bunk, sighing in disgust. "I think we got most of them," she said. 

"Let's hope so," said Catherine depressedly, looking morosely around the room, which was littered with dead bugs and squashed spiders.

Noin was staring at Catherine's head. "Er, Catherine . . . you've got a . . ."

"What?" blinked Catherine, but then she stopped as she felt something crawling through her hair. Instead of screaming, she merely blanched and said flatly, "It's a spider, isn't it?"

"Huge one," said Hilde, staring at the huge arachnid nestled in Catherine's curls.

"I've got it," said Dorothy, suddenly stepping up behind Catherine. She swiftly shot her hand out, grabbed the spider, and crushed it in her hand. All eyes were on Dorothy as she opened her hand, let the spider carcass drop unceremoniously to the floor, and wiped her hand on her shorts.

"So what now?" asked Noin tiredly, as if nothing unusual had just happened.

Relena, who had been rather quiet for a few moments, raised her head from the pad of paper she had been scribbling on and said, "We plan the next phase of attack."

"How long is this going to go on?" asked Sally. "Don't get me wrong, I'm all in favor of kicking their asses but . . . well, what if this turns into an endless cycle of pranks and sabotage?"

"It won't," said Relena confidently.

They all turned to stare at her, eyebrows raised. Hilde cleared her throat.

"I like the positive attitude, Relena, but how can you be so sure?"

Relena didn't respond immediately, but Dorothy had edged over to the chair Relena was sitting in and was trying to peer over her shoulder at what Relena was writing. A moment later her face split into a delighted grin.

"I see," she said devilishly.

"What?" asked Catherine in interest as all the girls craned their necks to see what Relena had been writing.

Relena stopped what she was doing, smiled saintly, and put down her pen. "This," she said, taking the pad of paper and handing it over to Hilde, "will be our final phase of attack. After this, they'll surrender."

Everyone crowded around the paper, and a general outcry rose among them.

"Whoa!" cried Hilde, eyes wide.

Noin looked over her shoulder at the paper and grinned. "Nice."

"You thought of everything!" said Catherine in delight.

Dorothy was wiping tears of pride from her eyes. "I've never been prouder of you, Miss Relena."

Relena looked slightly bashful. "It's really nothing," she said. "I've just been planning and thinking, and I've basically pulled out all the stops and am no longer afraid of being . . . ah . . . manipulative. Building on what we know about each of the guys, I simply came up with a few ideas that are sure to make each one of them have an honest desire for peace and to surrender."

"Geez," said Sally in amazement, staring in amazement at the list. "Relena, I think Heero's rubbing off on you. Even HE'D be proud of this plan."

"The main point," said Relena, businesslike, "is to send them over the edge. After Dorothy's attack," and she nodded appreciatively, "I believe they were sincerely considering surrendering. However, after this . . ."

"They'll have no CHOICE but to surrender!" cried Hilde happily. "Relena, you're a genius!"

Relena laughed as Hilde flung her arms joyously around her and hugged the politician. "So I suppose you like this plan?"

"Like it?" said Hilde jubilantly, pulling away and beaming.

"It's perfect," said Dorothy.

"So when should we attack?" asked Catherine.

Hilde looked at Relena, who simply nodded serenely. "We should start preparing now," Hilde said. "Operation: Ball Buster will commence at 03:00 hours."

* * *

**  
The next chapter's already halfway written, so it'll be out soon, I swear! Hope you're all curious about it! Peace out!  
**


	11. Chapter 11 : Operation: Ball Buster

Battle of the Sexes

By Sillabub 429

Chapter Eleven – Operation: Ball Buster

_Bum-Bum-BUM! . . . Sorry. Just thought it needed to be said. Sorry for the delay! Read on!_

* * *

At 02:30 hours, the final preparations for Operation: Ball Buster were being made. A sense of elation and premature victory had settled upon the girls' cabin, for Relena's battle strategy was so perfect, so foolproof, that NOTHING could go wrong. 

But there was one problem.

Hilde looked around at her assembled troops, pride swelling within her as she took note of their resilience and confidence and intense desire to win their upcoming battle. Her pride deflated, however, when the problem occurred to her.

"Everything's ready," she said, sounding doubtful. "But I think there's something that we must have overlooked."

The girls immediately turned to her in concern. They only had one hour left, and any problem this close to the commencement of their plan was definitely a bad thing.

"What is it?" asked Sally concernedly.

Hilde crossed her arms and frowned. "How exactly are we going to accomplish this without getting caught?" she asked. "They're going to be expecting another attack, and we can't exactly lure them out again, especially now that they're taking turns keeping watch outside the cabin."

That much was true; out the window they could make out the dark form of Trowa standing guard outside the boys' cabin.

The happy mood in the cabin dissipated, and dark frowns creased the face of each girl . . . except, for some reason, Relena. The Vice Foreign Minister looked thoroughly unalarmed by this information and merely smiled pleasantly, an expression that did not go unnoticed by the rest of them.

"Do you have an idea, Relena?" asked Noin, looking puzzled.

"Oh, I don't know," said Relena, who looked down at her hand and began to casually examine her fingernails. "I think we should ask Dorothy."

All eyes turned to the long-haired blonde, who looked around at them and appeared to be just as startled as they were. "Me?" Dorothy asked, widening her eyes and blinking a little too rapidly. "Whatever do you mean, Miss Relena?"

Relena glanced up from her nails, looking the other girl straight in the eye. "I think you have a few items that will help us," she said matter-of-factly.

Dorothy's expression didn't change, but her cheeks looked a little pinker as she replied, somewhat vaguely, "Oh, really?"

"Mm-hmm," said Relena, who had gone back to her nails and was now buffing them on her shirt. "Do you know what I'm referring to?"

The other girls were watching the scene in fascination, hardly daring to breathe. It was almost like watching the forces of Good and Evil trying to have a pleasant conversation.

"Why, Miss Relena, I have no idea," said Dorothy, a little more forcefully. While she looked unconcerned at Relena's accusations, it seemed clear to the others that Dorothy was, in fact, hiding something.

"If that's so," said Relena, "I would like you to show us the contents of your suitcase."

Dorothy stopped, eyes wide. The other girls had wide eyes too, and the silence in the room stretched on for a few moments as they looked from Relena to Dorothy and back again, not daring to speak.

"But that . . ." said Dorothy, recovering from the surprise, "that's an invasion of privacy, and as a high-ranking politician, I don't think you should suggest such things."

She was looking at Relena in a smug way that suggested Dorothy was quite certain she had won. However, Relena merely stared sweetly at the other girl.

"I suppose I shouldn't," she admitted. "But then again, I don't think _you_ should be carrying enough sleeping gas and Rohypnol to sedate an entire colony."

The other girls gasped, and Relena's eyes widened dramatically. "Oh, dear," she said, covering her mouth with a hand. "I think I've said too much!"

For a moment Dorothy looked coolly back at Relena, her face stony and difficult to read. Then, calmly, she said, "Touché, Relena Darlian."

Relena smiled very sweetly. "If you let us use those tranquilizers of yours, we won't ask why you had them in the first place," she said.

Dorothy raised an eyebrow, then sighed and smiled in resignation. "You do drive a hard bargain," she said, and she rose to get her suitcase.

The girls watched in anticipation as the blonde grabbed her large, padlocked, leather suitcase, dragged it out from under her bunk, and began to undo the multiple combination locks. The first, second, and third locks were unlocked, and looking slightly resigned to the fact that she was giving away her hiding place, Dorothy reached into her own blouse and pulled out a key from her bra. The girls stared as Dorothy finished unlocking her suitcase.

Without speaking, the girls gathered around Dorothy, staring over her shoulder as she slowly opened up the suitcase.

Gasps sounded all around, and Hilde let out a low whistle.

"Wow," she said, peering with wide eyes into the suitcase.

"You've been holding out on us!" cried Catherine.

Dorothy looked grudgingly over at Relena. "You win," she said, but her eyes were sparkling. "Out of curiosity, how did you know I had tranquilizers?"

Relena smiled. "Lucky guess."

A blinking Sally reached into the suitcase and removed a large, antique-looking weapon. "Is this . . . is this a Panzerfaust?"

Dorothy glanced at it. "Why, yes."

"How on earth . . . ?" murmured Sally, examining it for a long moment.

Dorothy tilted her head to the side. "It's a family heirloom," she replied, casually watching Sally handle the weapon. "Apparently I am distantly related to a German chancellor from the 1900's."

The other girls blinked at her, and Sally, looking mildly intimidated, cautiously replaced the antique weapon. Dorothy merely smiled.

"So that's it," said Catherine, changing the subject abruptly. "We've got everything we need to do this."

"Precisely," smiled Relena, and she turned her angelic expression toward Dorothy. "I do appreciate your being so cooperative and donating your acquisitions to this cause."

Instead of appearing agitated in the slightest at her words, Dorothy looked extremely pleased.

"If I may say, Miss Relena," she said nonchalantly, "with this new attitude of yours and the right campaign, you could be Queen of the World again."

Relena smiled. "I have no desire to be Queen," she said pleasantly. "I only want to see those prissy little men bow before me and . . ." She stopped, looking thoughtful. "I _could_ be Queen again . . . No!" Interrupting herself, Relena shook her head abruptly. "No, I only want to see them surrender and admit they were wrong."

"Sure," said Noin with a suggestive smirk. "I bet you wouldn't mind if Heero were bowing before you."

"Nonsense," interrupted Relena, although she was a little flushed. "I simply want justice to be served."

"Served with a great big side-dish of Heero," grinned Hilde.

"Stop!" squeaked Relena, red-faced. The other girls looked knowingly at her as she cleared her throat, straightened, and tried to look as casual as possible. "Now is not the time to speak of such things."

"Okay, okay," said Noin, smirking. "So what next? It's almost time."

Relena looked at Hilde and nodded, giving the other girl control of the troops once more. Taking over, Hilde strode forward and surveyed the girls like a drill sergeant. Finding everything to her liking, Hilde glanced at her watch, observing the time.

"Now we wait," she replied. "Fifteen minutes until Operation: Ball Buster commences."

* * *

Duo sighed heavily, rolled over in his bunk, and with a loud squeaking of mattress springs settled into a position that he hoped would be more comfortable and would allow his mind to rest at ease.

He found moments later that he was both mistaken and highly uncomfortable.

Yawning noisily, the braided boy turned over on his side, making the bedsprings squeak in protest again, and he grumbled as he got more comfortable.

A few seconds later he found himself uneasy and itching to move again.

Duo rolled onto his back, almost slipping off the twin size mattress in the process, but he managed to steady himself. As he settled into the mattress again, bedsprings sounding off like gunshots in the silence, Duo found that he was not the only one still awake.

"Are you done yet?" asked Wufei flatly from the bunk beneath Duo's.

Duo's eyes popped open. "Death?" he asked, looking around for the source of the voice.

Wufei threw a swift kick at the bottom of Duo's mattress. "No, you idiot."

In the dim moonlight streaming from an open window, Wufei could see the shape of a long braid dangling off the bed as Duo leaned over to stare at the Chinese boy.

His face split into a grin. "Hey, you're still awake!" he cried.

"We all are," grumbled Heero from his cot.

Duo blinked. "Well, what for?" he asked, perplexed. "Aren't you sleepy?"

"We're exhausted," said Quatre, sounding quite grumpy. "But you're being too loud for us to sleep."

"Really?" asked Duo. "Whoops. Sorry."

"Well, try to be quiet, will you?" muttered Zechs.

Duo sighed, dangling his arm over the edge of his bed. "I can't help it," he said. "I feel uneasy."

"I bet you won't if you go to sleep," grumbled Wufei.

"I've been trying," said Duo. "I can't."

"Maybe if we hit him in the head hard enough . . ." said Heero.

"Allow me," said Wufei. He grabbed the end of Duo's braid, gave it a sharp pull, and Duo tumbled off the top bunk, hitting the floor with a loud thud.

As Duo yelped in pain and Wufei snorted in amusement, the door opened.

"What's going on?" asked Trowa, looking mildly curious as he walked into the cabin and peered at Duo, who was sprawled on the ground in a very painful position.

Duo leaped to his feet, pointing an accusatory finger at Wufei. "He made me fall!" he said indignantly.

The corner of Trowa's mouth twitched, but no other sign of his amusement at the situation showed. "Well," he said impassively. "That's a shame."

Duo scowled. "I agree," he said. "It was totally unnecessary."

"So was keeping us awake," said Heero bluntly.

"It's not my fault I can't sleep," grumbled Duo.

"Since you can't sleep, here's an idea," said Zechs. "Why don't YOU keep watch for a while?"

Duo stopped. "Huh?"

"I like that idea," said Heero immediately.

"That's perfect!" said Quatre with enthusiasm. "Go on, Duo."

Duo let out a small whiny noise as Trowa considered this. "It's almost 3:00 AM," he said. "I suppose Duo can keep watch for a few hours."

"But-but . . ." sputtered Duo.

A pillow thrown by Heero made direct contact with his face. "Make yourself useful," he grumbled. "Maybe the fresh air will clear your head."

"Fine," said Duo childishly, and he frowned as he held up Heero's pillow. "But I'm not giving this back. You'll have to suffer without it."

As the braided pilot stuck his tongue out at the occupants of the room, scowled, and walked out the door and into the cool night, Wufei sighed and slumped back onto his pillow.

"Finally," he said, sounding quite cheerful. "Now I can sleep."

As the rest of the pilots settled into their beds and began to drift off, it never occurred to them that they were about to get a lot more sleep than they bargained for.

* * *

"What's happening?" asked Relena softly. 

The girls were waiting quietly in their cabin for the moment to commence their attack, and Sally and Noin were sitting at the window, keeping a close eye out for any unusual activity at the boys' cabin.

"Trowa just went inside," reported Sally. "I think someone else is going to take over for him."

"Thank God," said Hilde in relief. "Trowa would have been almost impossible to crack."

"So who now shall fall prey to our feminine wiles?" asked Dorothy, craning her neck to get a better view out the window.

Noin shook her head. "It's tough to say," she said. "We'll have to wait and see."

She and Sally went back to watching, and few moments of silence passed before Noin suddenly exclaimed, "Oh!"

"Who is it?" asked Catherine, clamoring to see. "Who is it?"

She stopped when she saw who it was, exchanging glances with Noin and Sally, then she looked over at Hilde. "I think you should be the one to do the honors, Hilde," she said.

Hilde's eyes widened. "You mean . . ."

"It's Duo," said Sally.

Hilde's look of surprise faded into one of pure glee, and she rubbed her hands together with a devilish grin. "Excellent," she said wickedly. "It's payback time."

As the other girls began to smile with the realization that this arrangement could not have turned out more perfect (for who better to attack than Duo, the cause of all their problems?), Hilde turned to them, looking serious.

"It's nearly time," she said. "All of our preparations, plotting, and planning have led to this moment. What we're about to do will make or break everything we're striving toward, the equality we're trying to achieve."

The girls stood before her, staring somberly back at Hilde as she began to pace, surveying them once again like a drill sergeant.

"There's nothing more we can do to plan or prepare for the upcoming battle," she said. "We're ready."

"What if we fail?" asked Catherine.

"Then we go down with a fight and with the knowledge that this experience has been worth everything," replied Hilde.

They stared at her in confusion. "What do you mean?" said Dorothy.

"Just think, even if the worst happens," said Hilde, looking around at each of them, "think of how much we've learned from this!"

"Like how to get paint out of your hair?" asked Catherine flatly.

"No," said Hilde, rallying. "Relena, for example," (and she turned to Relena, who was looking puzzled) "none of us knew how downright evil and conniving you can be when someone's crossed you the wrong way. Now that we know that, none of us will ever make you upset, and the guys sure won't either!"

Relena looked slightly pleased and blushed. "Thank you, Hilde," she said bashfully.

"And Dorothy . . ." started Hilde, looking towards Dorothy, who looked eagerly back at her. Hilde paused for a moment, staring at the blonde

"Well, you're crazier than a shit house rat," Hilde said simply. "But we know that if we ever need someone to kick the living crap out of somebody else, you're the girl to call."

"And also never to touch your hair," added Noin.

They laughed, and Dorothy, looking very flattered, smiled at them in a way that was almost . . . normal.

"The point is no matter what happens out there, we've learned things from this experience, and it's brought us all closer together," said Hilde. "We started this war to earn respect from the guys, but we never expected to earn respect from one another."

Her words made the other girls smile, and Hilde continued, "No matter what happens, we're not going down without a fight. Those boys will never forget this day, and they'll always remember that while we may be girls, we're made of much tougher stuff than sugar, spice, and everything nice."

"That's right!" cheered Catherine. "We have sedatives!"

"So are we ready?" asked Hilde, looking round at them.

"Yes" was the unanimous response from the girls, and with that Hilde grinned.

"Dorothy, prepare the wine," she said. "Catherine, I want you to get the tranquilizers ready. Relena, make sure we have everything we need to set your brilliant plan into motion."

"What about us?" asked Noin.

Hilde smiled. "I want you and Sally to keep an eye on Duo."

"What will you do?" asked Dorothy.

"Me?" said Hilde mischievously. "I'm going to change into something more comfortable." With that, she ran to her bunk, grabbed her own suitcase, and scampered off to the bathroom.

"Duo's never gonna know what hit him," commented Noin as she and Sally kept watch at the window.

A few moments later Hilde emerged from the bathroom, wearing a short, silky nightdress and dark red lipstick.

Sally raised her eyebrows at the girl's risqué ensemble. "Came prepared, did we?" she asked wryly.

Hilde struck a pose. "A good leader always is."

"Everything's ready," reported Relena.

The excitement in the room was growing by the second, and as Hilde surveyed the group of girls she felt prouder than she had ever felt.

"This is it," she said. "Operation: Ball Buster is about to begin." Hilde's eyes traveled over the face of each girl, taking in their readiness, their determination, and she turned to Dorothy.

"I need the wine."

Dorothy handed her a bottle and two goblets. "Remember not to drink any yourself."

Hilde nodded and glanced at her watch. "It's time."

There was nothing else to do, nothing else to say. The girls looked around at each other. It was time.

Hilde, holding the wine bottle and goblets, checked her reflection briefly in the window and then looked beyond her reflection to the boy's cabin. She could barely make out the shape of Duo sitting on the porch, but he was there.

"I'm going in," said Hilde, turning back to them.

"Good luck," said Relena.

"And to you too," said Hilde. With a smile and a salute, she was out the door, leaving behind her a faint waft of delicate perfume.

The girls clustered around the window, peering out as Hilde sauntered over to the boys' cabin.

* * *

It was the light sound of footfalls that made Duo look up from his spot on the porch, and when he did he had to stop and wonder if he was dreaming. 

Hilde was walking toward him, wearing a short, silvery nightgown that seemed to float around her. Her bare skin seemed to glow in the moonlight, and as she drew closer and closer to him Duo swallowed hard, suddenly nervous. He didn't quite know what was going on or what to expect from Hilde; last time he checked Hilde was treating him in a way that made Duo suspect she very much wanted him dead . . . or else in an incredible amount of pain.

"Mind if I sit down?" Hilde asked softly, hiding the wine bottle behind her back.

Duo didn't respond for a moment; he could only stare at her and wonder what was going on. Then he shook his head abruptly, as if shaking water from his ears. At least she was being nice to him. "Sure," he said.

Hilde sat down beside him. Duo could feel the familiar warmth of her skin emanating through the thin fabric of her nightdress and tried hard to ignore it.

"Why are you out here?" he asked, still staring at her.

"I couldn't sleep," Hilde said, shrugging, and the simple movement caused Duo's gaze to roam across her face and travel down her neck, across her shoulders. She looked beautiful, and it was all he could do not to grab her and kiss her.

Duo looked away; it occurred to him suddenly that as long as he was staring at her and she looked like that, he would never be able to form a coherent sentence. "Why not?"

"I've just . . . I've been lonely without you," said Hilde softly, leaning her head on Duo's shoulder. He could catch a faint scent of perfume, and he swallowed heavily.

"Really?" he asked, trying not to be look at her.

He felt her nod. "Spending so much time with other girls really makes me miss having a man around," she said, trailing her hand down the back of his shirt. Duo felt goose bumps erupt down his back as her fingers traced his spine. "You know what I mean?"

Duo swallowed again. "Um . . . yeah," he said, looking determinedly away. "I mean, no. I mean . . ."

"Wine?" said Hilde.

He turned to look at her and blinked. "Huh?"

She was holding out a goblet to him, but Duo had failed in forcing himself not to look at her. Her beauty threw him off once again, and without thinking, Duo took the goblet from her and stared.

Hilde took a sip from her own goblet, or pretended to, and she sighed, smiling sweetly at her boyfriend. "Aren't you going to have any?" she asked gently.

He was staring at her lips as they formed the words, as if fascinated by them. "Oh," he said vaguely. "Yeah."

He took a sip of wine, and Hilde beamed at him. "I can't wait until we go back home," she said, leaning forward and drawing her shoulders together. "Then I can have you all to myself."

The effect she had been going for worked; her nightdress was very low-cut, and Duo's eyes were now focused about six inches below her mouth. "Uh-huh," he said, taking another sip of wine. He inexplicably found himself growing drowsy.

Hilde leaned forward even more, her face growing dangerously close to his. "Wouldn't you like to be alone with me, Duo?" she asked softly. "Think of how much fun we would have."

"Fun . . ." said Duo, still staring at her cleavage. He felt his eyelids drooping. Maybe that wine was stronger than he thought.

"Oh, yes," whispered Hilde, her lips mere inches from his own. "All kinds of _fun_."

Duo had a very dazed, dreamy look on his face, and his eyes were beginning to glaze over. Hilde smirked, leaned in closer, and kissed him.

A second later Duo was slumped over, unconscious.

Hilde stared down at her boyfriend for a long moment, something akin to fondness shining in her eyes, then she smirked and stood to her feet, prodding him with her foot. "Sucker."

She turned back to the girls' cabin and waved at them. Obeying the signal, Relena, Sally, Noin, Catherine, and Dorothy stole quietly across the path to her side.

"Check the windows," whispered Hilde. "They'll probably have one open so they can hear what's going on outside."

They walked around for a moment and found that the window at the back of the cabin was, indeed, open. "Over here," mouthed Sally, waving them over.

As they approached her side, Catherine was the one who stepped forward, clutching five small tranquilizer darts. She looked grimly at the open window.

"You have one shot, Catherine," whispered Hilde. "You're a professional, you can do this."

Catherine nodded and, brought her arm back, poised to throw. The fingers clutching the five darts twitched slightly as she took very careful aim, took a deep breath, and threw.

The darts found their targets, embedding themselves in the flesh of the sleeping men inside the cabin, but in their sleep none of them seemed to notice.

"Great job, Catherine," murmured Relena appreciatively, giving the other girl a gentle nudge. Catherine grinned.

"We need to wait about thirty seconds for the tranquilizers to take affect," whispered Dorothy quietly.

"Right," said Hilde quietly, crossing her arms over her scantily-clad chest but still managing to look like a military general.

They waited in eager silence for nearly a minute, several seconds longer than they needed to but no one minded; the extra time made them feel a little more assured in the fact that the boys in the room were unconscious.

"Okay," said Hilde, peering in the window, "let's move. We need to make certain they're unconscious before we commence the next phase of attack."

The six women darted around the cabin to the door and, quietly, they slipped inside.

Zechs's bed was closest to the door, and Noin went to his side, looking down at her fiancé for a long moment before cautiously reaching out to touch him. She placed her hand gently against his cheek, but Zechs did not stir.

"That's no way to check," said a voice next to her, and Noin's eyes widened as Dorothy leaned over and swatted Zechs sharply on the nose.

"H-hey!" said Noin, but Zechs again remained motionless. Dorothy grinned and shrugged.

"Now you know he's unconscious," she said, sauntering away to where the girls were checking the status of the other occupants of the cabin.

While she couldn't deny that Dorothy was growing on her, Noin couldn't help scowling at the girl's retreating figure, even as Dorothy darted up to Relena, who was gently stroking Heero's forehead.

"Let me show you how it's done," Dorothy said cheerfully. Relena let out a startled sound as Dorothy slapped the side of Heero's face.

"See?" she said brightly, when he didn't move. "He's definitely unconscious."

Relena scowled.

"Okay, okay," said Hilde, after ensuring each man was thoroughly unconscious. "They're out, but we've got to work quickly before the drugs wear off."

She grabbed the bag that Relena had been carrying and pulled out a large handful of items from inside. The grin on her face was malicious as she said, "Choose your victim."

They worked quickly yet skillfully; in less than thirty minutes they were done, had taken photographs, and were slinking back to their cabin, suppressing gleeful giggles.

All they had to do was wait, and wait they did, trying their hardest to go to sleep, but each girl was filled with excitement and victory unlike anything they had ever felt. This was different from the Eve Wars or fighting OZ; this was personal.

Sleep finally came to them after a few hours of quiet, sleepless excitement, but the girls didn't have very much time to rest. At approximately 08:00 hours, several male voices screamed, shattering the silence that had settled between the two cabins.

Hilde shot up out of bed, eyes wide. "This is it!" She scrambled out of bed as the others looked around in confusion, rubbing sleep from their eyes. The moment they realized what was happening, however, the girls leaped from their beds and eagerly ran out of the cabin and onto the porch.

"WHAT THE HELL?" shouted Zechs.

"HOLY SHIT!" came Duo's outraged voice.

"NO!" screamed Wufei.

"This is horrible . . . HORRIBLE!" sobbed Quatre.

"This is _perfect_," whispered Relena.

At that moment Hilde stepped forward and walked into the clearing between the two cabins, a megaphone inexplicably clutched in one hand.

"Where'd the megaphone come from?" asked Noin, blinking.

They all looked at Dorothy, who smiled saintly.

"We know you're awake, and we know what you look like right now!" shouted Hilde, and her normally-sweet voice was a bit scary when it was magnified through the megaphone. "Do not try to clean yourselves up. Do not try to hide. We have photographs of each of you, and if you try to run or reverse what we have done, we will not hesitate to show the photographs to your superiors, colleagues, or any person with eyes."

There was an audible sound of protests coming from the men while the women, watching Hilde in obvious admiration, moved to her side. With their arms crossed, gazes harsh, and bodies rigid, no one would have guessed that each girl was fighting back laughter.

"Hilde, may I?" said Relena. Hilde nodded and handed over the megaphone.

"We are willing to bargain," said Relena through the megaphone. "If you surrender once and for all, putting an end to this war between us, we shall have peace. There is no other way."

There were more protests, and Hilde elbowed Relena gently.

"I forgot to mention one thing," added Relena. "If you surrender, we will also destroy any photographic evidence of your current appearances."

The sounds of protests stopped, and there was silence from the boys' cabin. The silence stretched for what seemed like an eternity but was only about a minute, and it was clear to the girls that the men within the cabin were deliberating their course of action. The choice seemed obvious to the women, however; as Preventers and as war heroes, none of the pilots would sacrifice their reputations for the sake of a prank battle. How would the world react if the heroes of the Earth Sphere were involved in a photo scandal?

"Ah, the male ego," said Hilde with a smirk.

"Something's happening!" said Catherine, pointing at the door.

Relena grinned widely and held the megaphone up. "Come on out, ladies!"

As the door opened the girls had to fight back their laughter.

The first one out was Duo. His braid had been undone and his hair was cascading down his back in a mass of glittering brown waves. The American's lithe body was clothed in a white tank top, pink miniskirt, and pink platforms, and he was wearing bright pink lipstick. Glaring at Hilde, he teetered precariously on the heels as he walked out of the cabin and up to the line of girls.

Right behind him was Zechs, his platinum blond hair now a pale lavender and his face covered in make up. As he trudged after Duo his dark blue gown sparkled in the same way that Noin's eyes did at that moment. He walked surprisingly well in the high-heeled sandals; only once did he teeter.

Heero followed, his dark blue eyes accentuated by the dark eyeliner and mascara that Relena had applied. He was wearing a short beige skirt with a matching blazer, a light pink blouse underneath, and simple cream pumps. Relena smiled sweetly at him as he glowered back.

Trowa was next, walking very slowly and carefully in the short red dress and matching heels that Catherine had dressed him in. He carried himself with a surprising amount of dignity for someone whose hair had been turned into a mass of curls and who was wearing more makeup than a hooker.

Slowly and very clumsily, Quatre followed. His blond hair was streaked with black, he was wearing heavy black eyeliner and black lipstick, and he was dressed in a tight leather skirt and bustier. He nearly tripped in his black, thigh-high dominatrix boots, but he managed to steady himself, even as Dorothy let out an evil cackle.

Wufei was the last one out, and he looked angrier than all of the men put together. His black hair had been sleeked back into an elegant chignon, he was wearing a deep red kimono, and his face was painted up like a geisha's, complete with white face, pink cheeks, and ruby lips. He ignored Sally as the woman fluttered her eyelashes at him.

The men stood before the women, remaining silent but managing to maintain eye contact as they glared angrily at their offenders. The girls merely grinned back, savoring their victory.

"Then I take it you surrender?" asked Hilde, eyebrows raised innocently.

Duo glared at her for a moment through his mascara-covered eyes, sighed heavily, and nodded.

"Uphold your end of the bargain," said Wufei, pursing his bright red lips.

From behind her back Catherine produced an envelope full of photographs (Dorothy's arm jerked as if she was trying very hard not to grab them), which she handed over.

Heero took it and glanced inside the envelope. "They're all here?" he asked, shifting his weight from one high-heeled foot to the other.

"Every one," said Relena, staring at him with a smirk. Their eyes met, and Relena noticed a look of slight betrayal lingering in Heero's. A twinge of guilt hit her, but she shook it off. She would give him a thorough apology later.

"So we're done with this battle?" asked Quatre anxiously, holding onto Trowa for support as he teetered in his boots once again.

"Why, yes," replied Dorothy readily, her eyes sparkling dangerously. "Unless you would like to keep that outfit on? Black leather does suit you."

Quatre's face reddened as he glared at her and shook his head.

"The battle of the sexes is over," said Hilde, drawing herself up to stare at each of the men. "You have been beaten, and the battle is done. You may now go change your clothes, but you must return them to their rightful owners and you must remember this day for as long as you live."

The men glared at her. Finally, after a moment of strained silence, Duo nodded.

"You have our word."

"Good," said Hilde brightly. She grinned around at them. "You all look beautiful, by the way."

She couldn't really blame them for the glares and obscene gestures they sent her as they teetered back into their cabin.

There was a long moment of silence as the girls stood in the clearing, reveling in their victory as the sun beat down upon them and the sounds of the forest echoed all around. Then, wordlessly, the six women turned and walked back to their cabin, putting their arms around each other as they once and for all became united in friendship and in victory.

Operation: Ball Buster was a success. The girls had won the battle of the sexes.

* * *

**Tee-hee. I've ALWAYS wanted to do that.  
**

**Oh, and in case anyone was wondering, a Panzerfaust was one of the main German weapons during WWII. Based on that, I'll let you draw your own conclusions about my take on Dorothy. By the way, is it obvious that I find Dorothy the most fun to write?**

**My apologies for the length of this chapter. But only one chapter left! Huzzah! Stay tuned!**


	12. Chapter 12 : All's Fair in Love and War

Battle of the Sexes

By Sillabub 429

Chapter Twelve – All's Fair In Love And War

* * *

In aftermath of the battle, the thrill of victory seemed to have an intoxicating effect on the girls. Positively giddy, they lounged about in their cabin telling jokes and recapping their favorite moments of victory, and although they had barely gotten any sleep the night before, the women were surprisingly full of energy, even to the extent of being hyper at times.

After several hours of their dizzyingly happy chatter and laughter, there was a knock at the door and Catherine, who was closest to it, got up to answer. As she opened the door, she peered curiously at Wufei and Trowa, who were both holding the clothes the girls had put on them and the others. Both men looked thoroughly disgruntled.

"Oh, our clothes!" said Catherine brightly, taking the bundles from them. "I hope you enjoyed wearing them!"

Wufei sent her a withering look as Trowa lowered his head and let out a long-suffering sigh. "They've been hand-washed and steamed, as requested," he muttered miserably.

"Thanks, guys!" said Catherine cheerily, waving at them as they turned and stalked back to their cabin, not saying a word in response. "They were rude," she commented as she walked back to the group of girls and distributed the clothing back to their rightful owners.

"Who cares?" asked Hilde happily. "We won! They're just sore losers, especially Wufei."

"I'm just sad that they have the only copies of the pictures we took," sighed Sally as she folded her kimono. "What perfect blackmail that would be!"

Dorothy, who had been huddled in the corner busying herself with something the others couldn't see, laughed maliciously.

Hilde raised an eyebrow. "What are you doing over there, Dorothy?"

Dorothy froze, looking like a deer caught in headlights. "Nothing," she said.

"Are you sure?" said Relena, rising to look over the blonde's shoulder. Dorothy let out a squeal of protest as Relena snatched up the object Dorothy had been holding. "No way . . ." Relena breathed, staring at it, wide-eyed.

"Miss Relena, give it back!" said Dorothy, reaching for the object.

Sally grabbed it from Relena, eyes wide as she stared. "Dorothy, you didn't!"

Dorothy sulked as the girls looked around at the object in Sally's possession.

"Dorothy, you still have the negatives!" said Noin in shock.

Dorothy held her arms out in a motion to convey the obviousness of that statement. "What did you expect?" she asked bluntly. "It's me."

"We can't go back on our word," said Hilde, putting her hands on her hips. "Why would you keep the negatives?"

"Souvenirs?" offered Dorothy.

"You were going to sell them to a tabloid, weren't you?" said Catherine.

Dorothy glared at her for a moment but did not contradict the other girl.

"Absolutely not," said Relena. "We're done, the battle's over. If you did that we would never have peace."

Dorothy raised an eyebrow. "And . . . ?"

"_No_, Dorothy," said Relena sternly.

A mysterious smile flitted over Dorothy's lips as she took the negatives back from Sally. "Very well," she said, and she grabbed a lighter from her bag, lit it and held the flame beneath the negatives. "I suppose I should destroy them."

"No!" cried Sally, Noin, Catherine, Hilde, and Relena, leaping toward her as the plastic negatives began to curl from the heat of the flame.

Dorothy stopped, an expression of mock-surprise on her face. "Wait . . ." she said slowly, taking the lighter away from the negatives and extinguishing the flame. "You don't _want_ me to destroy them?"

The other girls looked away, not meeting her eyes, which were glinting in mischief. "You want to _keep_ them?" she asked in delight.

"Well . . . we _could_ keep them," said Noin thoughtfully.

"Just so long as they're not discovered by anyone else," said Hilde.

"Right," said Relena. "We can keep them, they'll just be . . ."

" . . . Souvenirs?" finished Dorothy mischievously.

They stared at her, and she grinned. Dorothy then grabbed a pair of scissors from her bag and began to cut apart each negative image, carefully trimming each one until she had a tiny stack of six negatives sitting before her.

"How shall we divide them?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at the other girls. "Or should that be obvious?"

As Noin, Hilde, and Relena each grabbed the negatives of Zechs, Duo, and Heero, Dorothy found her answer.

Dorothy grinned wickedly as the other three pictures went to she, Sally, and Catherine. "I wonder what the boys did with _their_ pictures?" she said thoughtfully.

* * *

The smoke from the tiny bonfire in the middle of the cabin billowed around the six men as they sat in a circle around it. For a long moment they didn't speak; they only watched the photographs in the fire blacken and deteriorate, the flames reflecting in their eyes as slowly, each man began to relax with the knowledge that those pictures were being destroyed.

"I think . . ." whispered Quatre, finally breaking the silence, "I think we're safe."

Wufei's black eyes stared unblinkingly into the flickering flames. "You really trust that they'll keep their word?"

"You don't?" asked Zechs. "They gave us the only pictures they had, after all."

"So they say," said Wufei, turning toward him. "Who's to say they didn't lie? Or what if they still have negatives?"

Duo let out a skeptical laugh, but it sounded a bit nervous. "They wouldn't do that. They gave us their word."

Heero frowned into the fire. "How good is their word?" he asked. "You can't deny that those women have proven to be more conniving and manipulative than we ever imagined."

"Sounds like _someone's _grumpy about his girlfriend deceiving him," said Duo with a smirk.

Zechs sputtered as Heero scowled at Duo and didn't reply.

"Heero has a point, but I think we need to trust the girls," said Quatre. "The battle's over, and they have no reason to deceive us. They did win."

"They didn't win," scoffed Wufei. "We simply forfeited."

No one decided to point out that that was basically the same thing, but Zechs raised an eyebrow at Wufei. "You really don't trust women, do you?"

"I do when they give me reason to," said Wufei. "So no, not really."

Duo stared at Wufei. "How were you ever married?"

"Shut up, Maxwell."

Trowa was looking out the window, his green eyes narrow as he stared for several long moments before speaking. "The girls are coming over," he observed quietly.

"What?"

The other five men grouped around the window to see that, indeed, their six female counterparts were walking toward their cabin, with Hilde toting a huge basket and Relena carrying a bag full of something the guys couldn't see.

"Oh, God," muttered Duo. "They've come to kill us all."

They heard a knocking at the door, and Quatre rose to answer it with a grin, saying, "Duo, don't be so dramatic. We're at peace now."

Sure enough, when Quatre opened the door it was not to death and destruction but to six smiling faces.

"Hello, ladies," he greeted cheerfully. "What brings you here?"

"Well," said Hilde briskly, shoving the large basket she had been carrying into Quatre's hands, "seeing as how this is such a _peaceful_ day and how there's a wonderful cookout area just _waiting_to be used, we thought we should have a barbecue!"

As Quatre stared dazedly down at the basket of food in his hands, Duo blinked around at the girls. "You're not planning on barbecuing_us_, are you?" he asked.

"Of course not!" said Catherine brightly. "We brought hamburger patties to grill!"

"Hamburgers that are made from cows, not people," added Dorothy quickly.

"Cows and arsenic?" asked Wufei skeptically.

"No, plain beef patties," said Hilde, rolling her eyes. "Plus potato salad, macaroni and cheese, casserole, and some hotdogs."

"So, what do you say?" asked Relena sweetly, holding out her bag, which they could now see was full of paper plates and cups. "Shall we barbecue?"

The men could only stare at them for a long, skeptical moment before Heero asked flatly, "Why are you doing this?"

"Because we want to," said Relena, her smile faltering under his glare.

"Or maybe because you feel guilty," said Heero, and the way he said it was so accusatory that the others stared at him in surprise while Relena lowered her head and turned away.

"No," said Noin, stepping toward him. "We're doing this because we came on this trip to have fun with the people we love, and it's time to start doing that."

"We're going home tomorrow," said Sally, "and there's a grill beside our cabin that we haven't even touched yet. Now that we have peace, we should take advantage of it."

"Please?" said Hilde, looking around at them. Her gaze settled on Duo, who was staring at her. "Let's just enjoy ourselves and forget about everything that happened."

There was a long moment of silence as the men thought about this proposition, then, to his surprise (and everyone else's) Duo was the first one to grin and say, "I'm game."

"Sounds like a good idea to me," said Quatre enthusiastically.

"Sure," said Zechs.

Trowa nodded

The girls looked expectantly at Wufei and Heero, who after several seconds were still making no move or sound to indicate their willingness to be involved with this plan.

"Guys?" said Hilde hesitantly. "Wanna barbecue?"

"I'm not sure if I do," said Wufei coldly.

Sally folded her arms, looking very determined. "Well, you're gonna."

He snorted derisively. "I'd like to see you make me."

Sally's eyes sparked, and she marched up to him. "With pleasure," she said, and to everyone's amusement but Wufei's, she grabbed him by the pigtail and proceeded to drag him to the door.

"Ouch!" cried Wufei, swatting at her and dragging his heels against the ground to stop their progression. "Woman, let go!"

Sally smiled sweetly at the others as she continued to drag Wufei away. "We'll just go start up the grill," she said brightly. "Come on, Wufei."

And with a strangled "WOMAN!" from Wufei, Sally had dragged him out the door by his pigtail.

Dorothy and Duo sniggered at Wufei's predicament, and Hilde looked around at them. Her eyes rested briefly on Heero and Relena, who were silently watching one another, then she abruptly looked away and ginned at the others. "Well," she said cheerfully, "let's go make sure Sally and Wufei don't kill each other."

"Let's go!" cheered Catherine, grabbing the bag from Relena and prancing to the door. The others made their way toward the door as well, until only Heero was left standing in the room, arms folded and eyes hard as he stared at Relena, who was still at the door watching him. Zechs paused in the doorway as he walked out, glancing suspiciously back at Relena, but Noin merely grabbed his arm and tugged him out of the cabin.

After the door closed there was a long moment of strained silence before Relena stepped toward Heero, her gentle eyes apologetic.

"Heero," she said, "please."

His eyes were narrow as he watched her and didn't respond.

Relena shook her head, her soft hair moving about her face as she did so. "I never should have behaved as I did."

Heero stared at her as she reached his side, stopping to stand quietly before him.

After a moment, he broke the silence. "You . . . surprised me," he said quietly.

"I know, Heero," she said weakly, lowering her head. "I know, and I'm sorry for deceiving you."

Heero stared at Relena for a long moment, and the hardness in his eyes softened slightly. "I know you are," he said. "At any rate, I'm glad you've learned to protect yourself. It means I've not been a complete waste as your bodyguard." And he reached up to gingerly touch the still-bruised area around his eye.

"You've never been a waste, Heero," Relena said earnestly, pulling his hand away from his eye. "You've been so wonderful that I never want you to leave my side."

He raised his eyebrows as she flushed and brought a hand to her mouth, apparently having said too much. Heero stared at her for a long, tense moment, his face expressionless but his eyes very warm, even amused.

"I-I only meant that you've been so efficient in your constant efforts to protect me," Relena said quickly, her cheeks flushed. "You've always been supportive of my politics, even when you don't agree, so why wouldn't I want you to be near me? I only meant that . . . I wasn't trying to suggest . . ."

That was when, gently and without warning, Heero took her chin in his hand and kissed her.

Outside, oblivious to what was going on in the other cabin, the rest of the group were getting the grill started up. With the intention of letting Heero and Relena have some time alone, uninterrupted, Noin had sweetly asked Zechs to find an axe she was _sure_ she had seen somewhere so they could chop up wood for a fire.

Zechs was heading down to the lake, the last place Noin could remember seeing it, when Quatre came up beside Noin and smiled gently at her.

"Hi, Quatre," Noin said pleasantly.

He nodded in greeting, then sighed. "I'm sorry I betrayed you girls," he said softly.

Noin waved it off. "Please. I would have done the same thing. Besides, you weren't nearly as bad as Zechs. All you did was . . ."

". . . Help cause something that made Dorothy go crazy?" he finished quietly.

Noin laughed. "Yeah," she chuckled, shaking her head. "Not that she needed the help, huh?"

But Quatre didn't reply; he was staring with huge eyes at something behind Noin, who froze, expecting the worst.

"She . . . she's not right behind me, is she?" she asked worriedly.

Dazed-looking, Quatre shook his head, and Noin turned around to look at what he had been staring at.

"Whoa!" she cried, and Quatre shushed her.

"Miss Noin, please, what if Zechs . . . ?"

"Right," said Noin, and, grabbing Quatre by the shirt, she dragged him behind the girls' cabin. No one seemed to notice this, and the pair crouched down behind a bush so that they could still see what was going on in the other cabin while avoiding being seen by anyone else.

Quatre looked slightly nervous. "Miss Noin, we shouldn't be spying . . ." he said, but his voice trailed off as he looked toward the other cabin and flushed, letting out a startled sound. "Oh, my."

"This certainly clears up any doubts I had over the nature of relationship," said Noin with a quiet snigger.

"This is wrong," said Quatre, shaking his head. "Miss Relena would be mortified if she knew we could see what they're . . . oh, dear . . . he's got her right up against that window, hasn't he?"

They both froze as they heard footsteps approaching, and Zechs walked by at that moment. Noin and Quatre hurriedly stood up and turned to him innocently.

"I still can't find that axe," he said, regarding Noin suspiciously. "Are you sure you saw it by the lake?"

"Erm, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I saw it by the bus somewhere," Noin answered cautiously.

"Thanks, I'll check," said Zechs, turning to walk away. He paused, turning back to them with an eyebrow raised. "What are you two doing?"

"Nothing!" insisted Quatre, looking around and noticing how suspicious their setting was. He glanced at the ground, then grinned that sweet, innocent Quatre grin that no one could suspect. "We were burying something here!" Noin scowled at him.

Zechs frowned. "Burying something?" he repeated slowly, looking from Quatre to Noin.

Quatre elbowed Noin, who said loudly, "Yeah! Um . . . yeah . . ." She then grew much more serious and answered somberly, "We found a dead bird and decided to give it a proper burial."

"Yes," said Quatre in an equally somber voice. "Would you like to say a few words, Zechs?"

Blue eyes peered skeptically at them for a moment before Zechs sighed and shook his head. "No, thanks," he said, turning and walking away. "I'm gonna go try and find that axe."

They could hear his footsteps become faint as he walked away, and Quatre and Noin immediately relaxed.

"A dead bird?" asked Quatre, raising an eyebrow.

"Look who's talking, Mister 'We-Were-Burying-Something-Here,'" replied Noin.

Quatre frowned. "Don't judge me," he said. "You killed a bird."

Noin sighed. "Well, it worked, didn't it?"

Quatre rolled his eyes. "Sure . . . whatever helps you sleep at night."

She swatted at him; he was grinning. "Hush," she said, crouching back down. Quatre followed suit, and they both resumed peeking at the two occupants of the other cabin.

"Wow," Noin murmured after a minute. "They're really . . . wow."

Quatre had turned faintly pink. "I think they've made up," he commented quietly.

Noin let out a squeak and covered her eyes. "I think I've seen too much," she said.

"And with the curtains open, no less," said Quatre, now bright red. "Have they no shame?"

Just then Zechs walked by, brandishing a rusted old axe. "Found it," he said cheerily, holding it up.

Wide-eyed and horrified, Quatre immediately snatched the axe from the tall man's outstretched hand. "I'll take that, Zechs," he said hurriedly, scurrying away with axe in hand.

"Why?" asked Zechs, blinking widely as he watched Quatre run like hell from the cabin. He looked back at Noin, perplexed, but his gaze suddenly traveled past his fiancée and through the bushes to where the other cabin was very visible, as well as the two occupants making out inside.

Zechs froze, going pale, and Noin quickly edged away as he stuttered, "Is-is that . . ." His voice faded, and for a moment he looked as though he was on the verge of passing out or exploding. A moment later, he chose the latter.

"GET THE HELL OFF MY SISTER!"

The scream carried into the other cabin, and Heero leaped off of Relena, who was lying on the bed with her blouse half-unbuttoned. Both of their eyes were wide, and Heero looked as though his very life was on the line. And it may have been, for when they looked out the window they saw a red-faced, sputtering, screaming Zechs racing toward the cabin, arms flailing madly.

"Well, it's been fun," said Heero hurriedly, edging toward the window. Relena let out a muffled whimper as Zechs reached the door and began to bang on it furiously.

"I SAW WHAT YOU WERE DOING, HEERO!" bellowed Zechs. "YOU'RE DEAD!"

Heero glanced nervously at the door, then at Relena, and back again. Finally, he leaped toward Relena grabbed her, and kissed her. Then, as Relena stared on, wide eyed, he scurried to the window, opened it, and scrambled out.

After listening to Zechs pound on the door for a few more seconds, Relena decided that Heero had the right idea and decided to escape out the window as well.

The others, who had been grilling hamburgers and hotdogs, looked around at the sounds of Zechs' screams of horror. After witnessing Heero climb out of the window followed by a ruffled-looking Relena, the reason behind Zechs' screams became very clear.

Duo wolf-whistled as Heero ran toward them and tried his damnedest to blend in with the group. "So," he said, clapping Heero on the back. "I guess you two are on good terms again."

Heero scowled at him as Relena ran over, breathless, flushed, and fiddling with the buttons of her shirt. "That smells good, guys," she said, rearranging her hair and trying not to look conspicuous. The Cheshire Cat grins the others sent her told her she wasn't as inconspicuous as she had hoped.

Dorothy was smiling wickedly. "So . . ." she said conversationally, "it seems the Vice Foreign Minister and her bodyguard are involved in a scandalous relationship."

Relena flushed. "No! Not at all!" she cried. "We were only . . . we were just . . . it was . . . we weren't . . ."

But she didn't have to come up with an explanation because at that moment, Zechs was speeding toward them so fast that a cloud of dust was steadily following him. Heero had suddenly disappeared, hiding himself behind a nearby tree, while Relena was cowering behind Noin.

Zechs skidded to a halt in front of Noin, red-faced and out of breath. "Yuy . . ." he gasped. "Where is he . . . ?"

Sally was the one who blinked over at Zechs. "Why do you want to know?" she asked, trying to hide a knowing grin.

Zechs' red face grew so red he looked as if he would explode from anger. "He was molesting my SISTER!" he cried. "They were in there . . . kissing . . . and . . . canoodling . . . and . . ." Unable to finish, Zechs let out a strangled sound of rage and horror and buried his face into Noin's shoulder.

"'Canoodling?'" chortled Duo.

As Noin soothingly rubbed Zechs' back, Sally, smiling very widely for some reason, turned to Wufei. "Alright," she said, holding out a hand. "Pay up."

The Chinese boy folded his arms. "I don't think this situation meets the terms of the bet," he said stubbornly.

"Bull," said Sally with a grin. "They were kissing in there, so that definitely applies. Pay up."

Wufei scowled and reached into his pocket, withdrawing several bills which he shoved into Sally's hand. "Yuy, you weakling," he muttered.

Sally grinned and stuck the money in her pocket. "Thank you."

"Wait a second," said Catherine, blinking at Sally and Wufei. "Did you two actually bet on whether or not Heero and Relena would get together on this trip?"

"Well . . ." said Sally, "a little." Wufei nodded.

"Sally, how could you?" cried a voice from behind Noin.

Zechs looked up to see Relena peeking guiltily around Noin's back, and before Relena could hide behind anyone, a frightening look crossed her brother's face.

"Relena!" he roared, looking somewhat mad.

"Hello, brother," she said, looking very much like she wanted the ground beneath her to open up and swallow her whole.

Zechs stared at her for a long moment, his face still quite red and his eyes still quite insane. "Relena!" he said. "You . . . you . . ." He sputtered as if he didn't quite know a word harsh enough to describe her offense, and after a moment he bellowed, ". . . YOU!"

Relena blinked as innocently as she could at him, but still she recoiled at the anger in his voice. "B-brother, are you angry?" she asked sweetly.

"Angry?" said Zechs. "Angry? Relena, I am ASHAMED of you!"

"Ashamed of me?" said Relena. Her eyes were wide, but there was an odd flicker of anger in them.

"Yes!" shouted Zechs. "Alone in a cabin with a man is bad enough, but to be in there sucking face with YUY . . ."

That was when Relena Darlian snapped. Like a woman possessed, she marched up to her brother and glowered at him, the muscles in her small body so tense she was trembling in fury. "And why can't I?" she demanded, eyes burning and fiercely blue as she glared at Zechs, who was backing away slowly.

"R-Relena?" he stammered, taken aback (as was everyone else).

"Why can't I kiss whoever I want?" asked Relena, her eyes boring angrily into her brother. "I say if I want to kiss Heero, then I will, and by God, you cannot stop me!" Zechs looked horrified as Relena grabbed Heero from the tree he had been hiding behind, pulled him forward, and kissed him full on the mouth in front of everyone. Heero's eyes were wide as Relena kissed him, and he looked nervously at the others, who were either looking quite shocked or hiding grins behind their hands . . . except for Zechs, who looked as though a vein in his head was about to explode.

A second later, Relena pulled away from the kiss and glared at Zechs. "Are you still ashamed of me?" she asked hotly.

"Erm . . ." said Zechs, still looking horrified.

"Okay," said Relena, and she pulled Heero toward her and kissed him again, this time much more passionately. A few wolf-whistles erupted from the group of onlookers, as well as a disgusted, "Oh, dear God," from Wufei.

Zechs jumped in between them, pushing the kissing pair apart. "Alright, stop, STOP!" he shouted, his eyes wide and crazed-looking. He glared at Heero, who looked both frightened and slightly embarrassed, and then at Relena, who looked very smug for some reason.

"Are you still ashamed of me, brother?" she asked sweetly.

Zechs looked like he was struggling with what best to say, but in his hesitation, Relena inched a little bit closer to Heero and gave Zechs the answer. "No!" he blurted out. "No, Relena! I'm not ashamed of you! I'm proud of you!"

She looked up at him, eyes shining. "Really?" she asked jubilantly. "Then you must be happy about this!"

Zechs' face fell, and for a moment it looked as though he was close to crying in frustration. That moment passed, however, because Relena chose to squeal in happiness and tackle her brother in a huge hug.

"I had no IDEA you'd approve of this, Milliardo!" she cried happily, squeezing the miserable-looking Zechs. "How wonderful that you think so highly of Heero!"

As Zechs sent a withering glare in Heero's direction, Duo tapped the former pilot on the shoulder.

"Good luck," he muttered, smirking.

"What, with Zechs?" asked Heero skeptically. "He doesn't scare me."

Duo's smirk turned into an evil grin. "Nope. I mean Relena. She's ten times scarier and more manipulative than I even thought she could be"

Heero winced a little at his words but remained silent. Zechs was still glaring daggers at the smaller man, even as Relena released her brother, smiled widely, and clapped her hands together as she turned to look around at the others. She smiled pleasantly at them, looking as if nothing had happened, save for the slight pinkness in her cheeks.

"Shall we eat?" she asked sweetly.

After just witnessing how truly crazy an angry Relena could be, the others thought it best if they agree right away and hurried toward the grill. As they got their plates and began to load them up with food, Dorothy grinned over at Noin.

"I've never admired Miss Relena so much as now," she said quietly, spooning some casserole onto her plate.

Noin eyed Dorothy worriedly. "I actually thought she acted a bit like you," she commented as she sucked a bit of mayonnaise off her thumb.

Dorothy beamed at her. "Really, Miss Noin?" she asked happily. "Thank you!"

Noin watched as Dorothy flounced over to the table to sit beside Catherine, and she shook her head. "I should have known you'd take that as a compliment," she muttered, but she could not stop a hint of a smile from curving her lips.

After a few minutes, everyone had gotten their food and sat down to eat. No longer was the group divided by gender; the six men and six women ate together as a group of twelve. There was much joking and jovial chatting, and even Wufei seemed to be cheerful despite his recent emasculation by Sally.

"See?" Relena said quietly to Heero, who had just settled cautiously in the seat next to her. "Living peacefully is so much better than the alternative."

He smiled slightly at her, but the look disappeared as a voice from behind them said, "Excuse me," and a plate of food was shoved into the space between them on the table.

Relena and Heero looked up in surprise and raised their eyebrows as Zechs determinedly wedged himself into the tiny amount of space between them.

"Milliardo!" said Relena as she and Heero scooted apart to allow Zechs more room to sit, although they both looked bewildered.

Noin, who was sitting across from them, eyed her fiancé curiously. "What are you doing, Zechs?"

"I simply wanted to sit by my dear sister," said Zechs flatly.

"But Milliardo, there's plenty of room on my other side," pointed out Relena.

Zechs smiled in a very forced way. "I want to sit by Heero, too," he growled.

Noin snorted. "_Really_."

"Wow," commented Duo from the other side of Noin. "It's amazing how Zechs can make the words 'sit by' sound almost exactly like the word 'kill.'"

As Zechs scowled, Hilde raised a brow at Duo. "Behave, you," she said, jabbing her fork at him. "Keep in mind what happened last time you started trouble."

Duo laughed nervously. "Yeah, but this time I'm not making _you_mad."

Hilde looked dangerously at him. "_Yet_."

Trying to look as if he wasn't uncomfortable with the situation in the slightest, Heero cleared his throat. "Zechs," he said, very stiffly, "pass the salt, please."

"My pleasure," said Zechs through grit teeth, grabbing the salt shaker and throwing it quite forcefully at him.

The salt shaker was making a beeline toward Heero's head, but the former pilot caught in nimbly before it could connect. "Thank you," growled Heero, sounding every bit like he didn't mean it.

Relena beamed at them. "You two are getting along so well," she said happily.

Heero and Zechs glared at her.

"How sweet," cooed Noin, grinning widely and making Relena giggle.

"I hate you both," said Zechs and Heero simultaneously. They exchanged grudging glances, both surprised and irritated they had said the same thing, then they both turned away and folded their arms like sulking schoolboys.

As Relena and Noin suppressed grins, Duo laughed. "It's so nice to see you two have become such good friends," he said, grinning cheekily. "Soon you'll be finishing each other's sentences and having sleepovers . . ."

He was cut off as two plates of food were thrown simultaneously at his face, but no one could really blame Heero or Zechs for doing it.

The rest of the night passed without further incident, and the peace that had been established between the two groups continued to thrive. True, Heero and Relena were now being constantly chaperoned by Zechs, much to their annoyance, but Noin did her best to divert his attention by talking about their upcoming wedding. Only once, when they were all sitting around the campfire, toasting marshmallows and discussing the various strategies they had used in their battle (the boys were curious about how they had been dressed up without their knowledge . . . and how much of their modesty had been preserved), did a problem arise.

Relena, who had been glancing sidelong at Heero for the past few minutes, shyly slipped her hand into his; to her relief, Zechs didn't notice.

Heero looked at her out of the corner of his eye, seeming a bit amused. "Someone's getting bold," he commented.

She grinned at him, leaning over to kiss him on the cheek. Her lips were an inch from his cheek when a loud, high-pitched sound broke the silence and they turned to look at Zechs, who was holding a whistle in his mouth.

"I don't think so," he said with a glare..

"Milliardo, really!" said Relena, frowning at him. "You can't prevent me from expressing my affection for Heero."

Trying not to think about the implications of that statement, Zechs glared at her. "No, but I can prevent you from doing it in front of me."

Relena's eyebrows arched, and a spark entered her eye. "Oh?" she said coolly. "Very well." She then stood to her feet, pulling Heero to his feet as she did so.

"Come on, Heero," she said sweetly. "Let's go for a walk."

Heero, who wasn't one to argue with such a pleasant prospect, grunted in response and followed after Relena as she shot Zechs a smug look and began to walk away from the campfire.

"You're going to have to get used to this," commented Quatre as he removed the marshmallow he had been toasting from its stick. "You know how much they care for each other. It's obvious."

Zechs looked miserable. "I know," he said

Noin rested her head on his shoulder. "Don't fret so much about it," she said. "They're both smart and mature for their age."

"Besides, it took them three years to get together," said Duo, matter-of-factly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Zechs asked, suddenly uncomfortable with the whole group discussing the love life of his little sister.

"They won't go rushing into anything," suggested Sally.

"They're okay with their relationship being in the public eye," said Catherine.

"Yuy's brain cells are less than we thought," said Wufei.

Zechs snorted. "I can believe that one."

A rock suddenly sailed in from out of nowhere and nailed Zechs in the temple.

"We're not too far away to hear, you know," came Heero's voice from behind them.

Zechs let out a roar of rage and leaped from his place beside Noin, racing toward the sound of Heero's voice. Several crashing sounds ensued, and a second later Relena trudged back over to the campfire. The others watched her as the sounds of Zechs chasing Heero continued around them, but she seemed unaffected by the ruckus.

Plopping down beside Noin, Relena smiled pleasantly. "May I have a marshmallow?" she asked.

As several more crashes and sounds of fury came from the darkness around them, a marshmallow was handed to Relena. She stuck it on a stick and poked it into the fire, watching as it began to puff up from the heat.

"Lovely night," she said conversationally.

"Very," remarked Noin.

Dorothy was trying to peer into the darkness, hoping to see a glimpse of the scuffle between Zechs and Heero. "I wonder who'll win," she said eagerly.

"Zechs," said Wufei. "He's stronger and has one hell of a grudge against Yuy."

"I've got five bucks that says Heero wins," said Sally with a sidelong look at her partner.

Wufei raised an eyebrow at her. "I don't care what your crazy talking money says," he said flatly. "No betting for me."

"Ah, I see," Sally said with a smirk. "Scared of losing to a woman again?"

A spark entered Wufei's black eyes. "I'll take that bet."

Quatre shook his head. "Is this really the time to gamble?" he asked.

Trowa raised an eyebrow. "You wouldn't approve even if they were in a casino," he pointed out.

Quatre chuckled. "Yeah . . ."

"Oh, I see someone," said Catherine, pointing into the darkness.

They all squinted as the form of Heero appeared from the darkness, limping slightly and sporting a bloody nose.

"Heero!" cried Relena, running to his side. "Are you okay?"

He nodded, glancing at Noin. "Your fiancé will be here in a moment, just as soon as he removes his head from the vicinity of his ass."

Noin winced as the others chuckled, and Sally grinned at Wufei, holding her hand out.

"Pay up," she said cheerfully.

Wufei glared at her. "I hate you."

* * *

The next morning, both groups were in their cabins, packing their belongings. They had a flight to catch in four hours, and it took two to reach the airport, so it was with a very rushed air that the men and women packed their suitcases and cleaned the cabins up as best they could. Understandably, as they stereotypically had packed much more, the women were struggling to get everything together in time.

"I can't find my throwing knives," said Catherine, looking under her pillow. "Has anyone seen them?"

"I haven't," said Dorothy, going through her suitcase. "And I haven't a clue where my Pazerfaust went."

"Didn't you leave that by the door for protection?" asked Sally.

"Oh, that's right," said Dorothy, perking up.

There was a knock at the door, and Relena paused in her packing to stare apprehensively at it. "Oh, dear," she said. "Do you suppose Milliardo's come to kill me?"

"Nah," said Noin. "He'll probably just force you to join a nunnery."

Relena laughed, then stopped, eyes wide as she considered that. "Do you think he'd do that?" she asked softly.

Noin smirked and shook her head as whoever was on the other side of the door knocked again.

Hilde grinned at them. "I'll get it," she said, and she rose to answer it, bouncing happily on the balls of her feet as she approached the door and opened it.

She was surprised to see Duo standing before her, his expression faintly nervous. "Duo!" she said in surprise, blinking down at him. "Why aren't you packing?"

"I have to ask you something," he said quietly.

"Erm . . ." said Hilde, glancing back into the cabin. "Is this really the moment? We don't want to be late, and I can already tell you that no, I'll never dress you up in my clothes again."

"It's not that," said Duo. "Um . . . it's really to do with this whole week."

Hilde raised an eyebrow, intrigued despite herself. "Go on."

"Well . . ." continued Duo, fidgeting for some reason, "I've always seen you as a woman, Hilde, but this is the first time I've truly seen you as an equal. We've been dating for three years, but I've really underappreciated you. It took you turning against me for me to realize that, but I'm glad I did."

Hilde was starting to blush, increasingly aware of the presence of the other girls in the cabin and the fact that their silence meant they could hear every word Duo had said. "Thank you, Duo," she said. "You're acting strange, you don't need to say all this."

That was when Duo dropped down on one knee and pulled a small box from his pocket. Hilde froze.

"Bwah?" she squeaked.

"Bwah?" echoed the other five girls.

"Having you fighting against me was torture," said Duo, looking her in the eye. "You're such a formidable opponent and such an amazing woman at the same time . . . I'm lucky to have you, Hilde. I love you, and I always want to appreciate you for who you are. This experience taught me that. So it's time for me to ask my question."

The room was dead silent as Duo opened the box, revealing a small diamond ring. "Hilde Schbeiker, will you marry me?"

Hilde stared at him. Her eyes were huge, and her brain had stopped. "Does this mean I can dress you up in my clothes again?" she asked, blurting out the first thing she could think of.

Duo winced. "Um . . . not really the time, Hilde," he said. "I'm kinda waiting for an answer here."

Hilde's eyes were wide and glassy as she regarded her boyfriend. "You . . . you really want me?" she asked softly. "I mean . . . really?"

"More than anything," said Duo. He swallowed hard. "Please, Hilde," he said, and his voice was sincere and earnest as he stared at her. "I'll never ask for anything else as long as I live."

A faint smile was hovering over Hilde's lips. "You dummy," she said fondly, kneeling down to smile at him. "As if I'd say no."

He looked hopefully at her. "Is that a yes?"

Hilde nodded, her eyes tearing up. "That's a hell yes."

They embraced, laughing giddily, as the other five girls stood watching, both moved and a bit flabbergasted.

"How sweet . . ." said a sniffling Relena, almost enviously. "God, I need a tissue."

Catherine handed her one. "Hilde's getting married!" she cheered.

As Hilde and Duo kissed, the petite ring already glittering on Hilde's finger, Dorothy stepped forward.

"Declare your bridesmaids, woman!" she cried.

Looking as though she had forgotten the others were even there, Duo and Hilde turned to look at them.

"Erm . . ." said Hilde, looking a bit stunned. "Bridesmaids? Wow, I have to . . . um . . . I'll get back to you."

Dorothy grinned, satisfied. "It'll be me," she said confidently.

"The only way I'd see that happening is if Hilde did it to keep you from going nuts," said Catherine with a sly grin.

The others chuckled, not noticing that Duo and Hilde, grinning at each other as they held hands, silently left the cabin.

Noticing their absence, Noin raised an eyebrow. "Oh, now we're REALLY going to be late," she said.

Sally snapped her fingers. "That reminds me," she said, remembering something that made her grin widely. "I have to go collect more winnings."

As she moved to the door, the other girls looked incredulously at her. "Wait . . . more winnings?" said Catherine, eyes wide. "What do you mean?"

"Please tell me you didn't bet on Duo and Hilde getting engaged," said Relena.

Sally looked insulted. "No," she said. "Of course not."

"Then what did you bet on?" asked Dorothy.

Idly fingering one of her braids and looking nonchalant, Sally shrugged. "Oh . . . I just bet Wufei that SOMEONE would wind up engaged on this trip."

"And seeing as how Duo and Hilde are the only ones officially a couple other than Zechs and I, who are already engaged . . ." said Noin suspiciously.

". . . You obviously must have meant Duo and Hilde," finished Catherine flatly.

Sally looked innocently at them. "I'm just lucky," she said sweetly, then she turned and went to the door.

"How do you do it?" asked Dorothy, admiringly.

Sally grinned back at them and winked. "Call it a woman's intuition," she said.

The other women stared at her as she went out the door. Relena shook her head.

"Wufei will not be pleased," she commented.

"Is he ever?" asked Noin wryly.

Relena grinned. "I guess not."

The hours passed, and soon the group was loaded onto the bus and heading down the highway. It was a relatively peaceful journey; Zechs had grudgingly left Heero and Relena alone and let them sit together (they suspected Noin had something to do with this), and even Wufei had stopped glaring at Sally for rendering him broke over the past two days and was chatting almost amiably with Dorothy about ancient Chinese weaponry. Hilde was showing her ring off to everyone, even though the occupants of the bus had already seen it, and Quatre, Trowa, and Catherine were playing a game of Old Maid. The atmosphere was so peaceful and so calm that it seemed as if the events of the past week had never happened.

"Ninety-nine bottle of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beeer . . ."

"DUO!!!"

Well, almost.

Even as they looked back on the vacation and what became commonly referred to as the "Battle of the Sexes," the outcome itself no longer became a subject of importance, nor the events that lead towards that victory. What was remembered most was the sense of equality that was established on that vacation and the relationships that were strengthened as a result of it. Regardless of background, gender, or personal beliefs, each person involved gained new respect for the others, even if it was an unspoken respect or even a grudging one.

And the boys never found out about the negatives.

-fin-

* * *

**Well, it's finally done! Huzzah! I hope you guys liked it! I'm sorry this last chapter took so long to get out, but I swear, it's because I had no idea how to properly wrap this story up. I'm pretty satisfied with this one; I think it wraps up everything nicely and was hopefully a satisfying ending. I want to thank every person who read this story and reviewed it! It really was a pleasure to write and, 100 pages later, it confirmed to me that comedy is definitely my favorite genre to write!**

**Please let me know what you guys think! Maybe one day there'll be a sequel or something. There are a few weddings coming up, after all. **

**Peace,**

**Sillabub**

**11/03/07**


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